So I had a bad day...

So yesterday was a bad day. YES, I have bad days too. Not like a fight or upsetting day...just a bad one. A down in the dumps day. You know those where you feel low inside and maybe you can't even pin point WHAT exactly is making you feel that way. Well, it started out ok and then...I just started feeling bummed. BUT I'm one of those ppl that refuse to let things get me down. I feel myself headed down this path and I start scrambling to fight out of it. I decided to buy some new upbeat music (Music saves me so much!) and get a shower, put on some comfy clothes and do some UNNECESSARY shopping, the best kind. At first it seemed the day was just destined to SUCK. It seemed everything was going wrong. I couldn't get my ipod to download the music so I tried 'homesharing' (long story) on the other computer and had to re-load Itunes which takes forever and then I thought we didn't have any CD's (cuz I was just gonna burn a CD) BUT then I discovered some BUT they were the wrong kind. And this is just my MUSIC issues. Aaaaahhhh...The baby's diaper leaked pee. I was going to get the girls soccer uniforms and spent about 30-45 minutes looking for the damn address. Kylie and Lexie wanted to eat at McD because her school was doing a fundraiser there AND I was at Walmart and drove ALL the way across town to feel like a dumbass because of course, it was the McD with the playground. I really just wanted to go home but we needed to eat so I thought I'd get takeout from Chopstix (new restaurant in town) but the girls decided to eat there AND there my day finally went right. It was delicious and I THOUGHT fairly inexpensive. The rest of my night went fairly well. It was nice that for ONCE my day wasn't going bad or worse because of the kids acting up because the kids were being perfect. It was just ME. It did take longer to turn my day around than it normally does. I don't normally LET myself have a bad day...I start working to turn it around and it happens pretty fast but yesterday..well, it just wouldn't get better...

I was calling Foy to tell him about how I felt cuz I needed to tell someone. And I was trying to be completely honest with WHY I felt that way...I needed to know why I felt BAD. So I decided to pinpoint the exact moment I felt bad and I discovered that my problem WAS ...(drum roll please) that I have ALOT of friends but no BEST FRIEND. Most of the time I don't find this to bother me but some days...like yesterday...I start feeling like there's gotta be a reason, right. I mean I know I got faults like everyone else but I try. There have been moments in my life after all where I have had 'best' friends or really good ones at least but something always happens and maybe that's my fault. Maybe I have a problem with intimacy or letting ppl close to me or maybe I'm annoying or just one of those ppl that ppl want to be friends with BUT they can't handle too much of. IDK what it is and like I said, it mostly doesn't bother me but yesterday two of my mutual friends (who are best friends) were planning to do things together like always and I felt left out. I felt unloved. And I know that I'm not their best friend and I have no right pushing myself in where I'm not wanted...BECAUSE no matter WHAT I will not be that person.

I think that these feelings I have..I remember them and that's why I always work hard to include everyone (well, almost everyone) when I do something. I've pretty much felt this way my whole life and I never want other ppl to feel this way. I never want someone to feel left out or unwanted because I've been there and that's no way to feel. I've always been the odd one out and I've gotten use to doing things on my own and being ok with it. I've always read alot which is an activity that you do ALONE and I'm not sure if I picked the activity or it picked me because I've always been a loner. I've always been comfortable in my own head and skin. Even when I was in my teens I could go to a restaurant or a movie or a fair or the beach or anywhere else by myself and be perfectly fine. I thought that's why I didn't have a best friend because ultimately I don't NEED one. I can be with myself, by myself and still have a good time. Actually I NEED this sometimes. I actually need to go have coffee or go eat or go to a movie alone and some ppl never get that about me. I need the silence. I need the time inside my head when it's ok NOT to say anything. BUT just because I'm a loner at heart and I've got this upbeat tough outlook doesn't mean that I'm always ok with it or that I'm always ok alone. I mean anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm very social too. I love a big crowd with lots of ppl and tons of talk and I like to invite ppl to do things with me and attend functions or activities where there is socializing. I guess I'm both and most days 99% of them--I'm ok with that but just some days ..yesterday..was a hard day. I wanted a best friend to do things with ALL the time but TODAY I'm ok again. Just a bad day ..that to did pass.

I also want to point out that in a way I DO have a best friend. My husband. I share everything with him and when I was down--who did I call but him. He's there for me BUT he works so he can't always come when I need him or be here to do everything with me. BUT he is my best friend...just not a GIRL best friend so he gets things but not EVERYTHING about me. And that's ok too. ;)

P.S. This occured to me after I had already posted but maybe I don't have a best friend because in order to do that--one of you has to be the 'follower'. One of you has to give a little of yourself up to make it work. I'm never willing to give on ANY point. I'm willing to agree that we'll disagree but if your looking for me to agree with everything you say or like everything you like or be just like you in order for it to work then that's not me. I'm not that person. I was born with a brain, with a free will...I have a car, kids, home and the freedom to do what I want, when I want and THAT I will not give up for any friendship. Maybe I'm too much of a freethinker to have a best friend...or maybe no one likes that I'm so independent. My husband has always accepted that in me. He's accepted the fact that I'm with him because I WANT to be but not because I NEED to be. Anyways, just another thought on the subject...