In response to Kim...

In response to my friends blog.

I think we're all guilty of over-worrying or over-thinking. I mean I know I 'replay' the day in my head and see what I said that I shouldn't have or what I said that could have been different or wondered if someone saw me in a way that I wasn't..like maybe I portrayed the wrong message about myself. The key FOR ME is to stay busy. If I sit and I think and I think and I sit then it (the thing I'm thinking about) seems to get bigger and bigger until it becomes bigger than me and then there's crying and general negative thinking. I'm sure they were talking about me or it was an under-handed jab at me in some way or they really make fun of me when I'm not looking or I'm such a horrible person, blah blah blah. I hate myself. I'm useless, why would anyone like me..I think we all have these moments BUT like I said the key for me is to stay busy because if I'm doing something else then I have less time to worry about me. I use my kids especially. Sometimes I may not can/want to do something FOR ME but I can for my kids. I'll convince myself to get off my ass and be a better Mom even if I can't be a better person right then. And it's about breaking the pattern for me, the think and sit pattern. It's like a hole that after awhile it would be easier to sit in the hole than find a way out of it and the bigger the hole gets then the easier it gets to sit. I have to break pattern. I have to LITERALLY drag my ass up and make something different...take a trip, visit a friend (someone who likes me when I don't even like me), visit family (I mean they HAVE to love you. ;). It may take a simple pattern break like a shopping trip or weekend away or a playgroup date. I have noticed that when I feel shitty the first thing I do is get online (that part doesn't always help but then I get with my friends and I plan a date for a movie or a shopping trip). If I can get something to look forward to then it helps. This hole is not an unfamiliar place for any of us.

Doing anything new is hard for me as well. I haven't started working out at Zumba or the rec center or Cocoon because I'm socially awkward in unfamiliar situations. I'm afraid people are laughing at my fat ass or talking about me behind my back. I'm worried I'm gonna show up at the wrong class or say the wrong thing or do something stupid like trip and fall on my fat ass. :) Sometimes I don't think I translate well to a stranger for the first time since I usually just say what pops in my head which is usually the wrong thing (funny sometimes but often hurtful or just WRONG; I've seen people look at me before like 'weirdo')I do not call in my pizza; I usually use the internet to order so I don't have to talk to people. I make hotel reservations, plane reservations and almost anything else I can do without using a person then I do it. At the airport I use the kiosk check-in so I can spend as little time interacting as possible. For example, when I wanted to re-do the flower beds Foy suggested I talked to the neighbor about it and I was like NO. I already have to go to Home Depot and get the stuff and talk to a sales person there then I can just ask my questions there rather than having to talk to someone else ALSO. I absolutely refuse to ask for help from anyone most of the time actually because I'm afraid of appearing weak or needy. I see needing help of any kind as a weakness. I judge others harshly but it's because I judge myself by those same criteria which can get exhausting, let me tell ya. I judge myself harshly in comparison to others. I compare their clothes, car, behavior of their children, home, home decor, hair style, hair color, makeup application, weight, teeth...you name it. If I've seen you then I've compared yours to mine. In this aspect though I have found comfort because I realize that sometimes the things I hate the most about myself others may be jealous of. This is the one part that (even though I still do it) I can usually shrug off because I may be jealous of one or two things about them but there are at least one or two things that I figure I've got going for me. Nobody is perfect. I mean they may have perfect hair or perfect teeth but I bet they hate their weight or the car they drive and then when it comes to kids I figure it all balances out. Their kids will be perfect in some way but deficient in others as are mine so I figure there is balance there. That's mostly how I think of my life in comparison. No one has it all. Not even movie stars..

So MY NAME IS GINGER, AND IF KIM IS A SERIOUS MENTAL CASE THEN SO AM I! ;)

I don't have perfect self-esteem and I don't know anyone that does. I know I don't and I still love myself and I stay busy.