Bad Day

Today is a bad day. I don't really like myself today. I feel fat and ugly and lazy. I feel like Sophie and I have been staying home too much and it's becoming a serious 'I'm a slob' issue. The house is a wreck and I give myself excuses like 'your pregnant' and 'Foy doesn't care' and 'your gonna be cleaning next week because someone is coming over so take the time off' but seriously I just suck lately. This hasn't even just happened lately. I was happening before Christmas and then I gave myself different excuses but today I'm just ready to say it's a fucking excuse and I hate myself. I suck all around. I'm gaining needless weight and I'm a fucking slob and I'm not having sex with my husband and I'm stuck in this house all the day with Sophie and I know she's bored and I'm watching tv and playing on the computer and being a very crappy Mother. I could use a shower right now and I don't get dressed until time to get the kids up EVERY DAY. Like if this was once in awhile then I'd say ok..but it's not..it's every single day. The kids have started to comment on me staying in my jammies all day and the clothes not getting washed.

I'm not using my time wisely. I'm not using what I could to make things better. We're kinda broke...I'm not suppose to be using money right now unless it's groceries...period. Of course there are plenty of free things I could do but I'm not...I'm just pouting and letting it get the best of me. I'm wallowing in misery instead of picking myself up and brushing myself off. Something I preach about..brushing yourself off and getting the fuck up out of the cesspool. I just feel like if I could start doing something to the baby's room or buying him clothes that would help bring me outta the slump and I could get interested in something again. But I can't spend money! So I need to think of cheap projects or doing something positive maybe that still involves him that uses things I already have here...I just need to start being positive and making my way back outta here instead of going further down. Recognizing that I'm here and how to get out is the first step on the way out. The second step is just to take the second step and start moving. (I'm speaking figuratively here..in case that wasn't clear. I'm not actually 'down' anywhere or stuck or in a nasty pool of grossness, haha.)

I don't feel like I can really talk to Foy...he really needs positivity right now..not me dragging him down further. He's feeling the money crunch too...but I don't think he's feeling the time factor on this baby thing and I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding like 'I need to spend money!' because in fact, I do. We only have a bag of clothes that was given to us and 3-4 outfits that my Mom got. We REALLY need to get him some clothes. I don't know if he's just oblivious to this or what..or he has some plan he's not letting me in on..that maybe we're gonna have money for a shopping spree soon. And I'm bummed we may not decorate the room..and thinking I should make some of my own stuff..that it might be cheaper and fun and get me outta my funk...but....I just can't seem to get together for that either. I haven't informed him that I left the stroller in Texas accidentally either cuz I don't want to fight with him. At first I thought no problem I want a new one anyways but now where we are financially..I suspect I just need to get my Mom to ship it to me. Shouldn't cost THAT much. And we'd talked about a small bassinet for the room instead of using the girly pack n' play we have for our room at first but now maybe that's out too....I don't know. I can't talk to him because if I mention money he gets all sweaty and starts pacing around and all upset and I'd rather just smooth sail instead of freak him out.

If I was in the proper kind of mood then I'd spend time counting how lucky I am to have what I do than spend the time counting what I don't. I HAVE...a room for him with all the furniture and a Moby and an Ergo and a whole bag of clothes and a rocking chair and food in my breast and arms to hold him and sisters to love him and a family who can't wait to meet him. He has a home to come to and a family to love him. All he needs besides that is food, diapers and clothes right. I know this. I just.......you know.....I want other stuff but I get it. Even besides that if Sophie and I would just get out and do story time and the library and maybe go the Rec or just DO something I know my whole outlook would improve....it's just one of those days. :(

One of those days I can't decide if I'm sad or mad or disgusted or fed up or...all of the above. Foy does piss me off about the money because I looked at the account and it's 5-10$ a day on cigarettes or skoal. WTF? I could feed S and I out every day for that almost. And that's FOOD..what he's doing is killing himself! I want to fight about it...probably just because I feel like a fight. I feel like pinching myself to make sure I can feel.

AAAAAnd in the middle of this blog he calls to give me more good news. We're having scheduling issues with my 3 hour tolerance test for gestational diabetes. I changed it from the 7th to the 10th because work scheduled him for a class in Houston, Texas on his days off for the 7,8, and 9th and now the 10th won't work either because he doesn't fly back til that time. AAAaaahhh..so NOW the new plan is he's gonna ask his boss if someone can watch the phones for 3 hours one day next week so he can watch Sophie for this appt. I really don't want to have to take her there for 3 hours. I mean it's one thing for her to come to a regular appt and a whole other thing for her to sit in a waiting room for 3 hours with me. I don't think any toddler would be tolerable in a situation like that. Alright fine..I'm gonna say it..just this once...cuz it's how I feel..and can we acknowledge that it's rare..FML.