The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

So I'm reading a new book. I would like to make some comments about it while they are fresh on my mind. I just discovered one of the most disturbing lines from the book....

"When push comes to shove, a mother takes care of her children from the bottom up."
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver


(Sidebar, I love that last name, don't you?)

I guess I find it disturbing because I wonder is it true. The woman was faced with a swarm of red ants in Africa. I'm assuming even though this book is fiction some things are based in fact and these ants actually do swarm through villages in Africa consuming everything in sight. The village fled to the river. She had to chose between her youngest daughter who was 5 or her middle child who was 16 but lame. Her older daughter asked her why and this was her response. Obviously you see, her oldest did survive with help from strangers. My point is......
would I do the same thing? Can I answer this honestly never having been put in this situation? I think I would choose my youngest also. Not because I love her more or anything like that but because she is the most helpless and needs more of my care.

But on re-reading what I wrote, I don't think so. I can't see myself doing that. The age my children are now....4 and 2. I would die trying to save both of them. I would find a way. If willpower or heroics or pure love could save my children I would fight tooth and nail to make that happen. I would kill, fight,gnash my teeth, murder, cajole, bribe, borrow, steal, kill...whatever it took to save BOTH my girls.

So I leave you with the question. What would you do?

Emily Dickinson

I have recently rediscovered Emily Dickinson. I would like to make you a gift of that...


"Because I could not stop for Death-
He kindly stopped for me-
The Carriage held but just Ourselves-
And Immorality.

We slowly drove-He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For his Civility-

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess-in the Ring-
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain-
We passed the Setting Sun-

Or rather-He passed us-
The Dews drew quivering and chill-
For only Gossamer, my Gown-
My Tippet-only Tuille-

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground-
The Roof was scarcely visible-
The Cornice-in the Ground-

Since then-'tis Centuries-and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity-"

Emily Dickinson

I once knew that the places she capitalized were important. Some ppl leave the capitalization out...I think that's wrong. It says alot about what she was trying to say. I'll leave you to your own interpretation if you leave me to mine. That's the great thing about poetry. It can mean whatever you interpret it to mean. You can own it in your very own way...this is one of my favorites also by Emily Dickinson.

"This is my letter to the World
That never wrote to Me-
The simple news that Nature told-
With tender Majesty.

Her message is committed
to hands I cannot see;
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
judge tenderly of Me!"

Emily Dickinson

And last but certainly not least.....

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you-Nobody-too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary-to be- Somebody!
How public-like a Frog-
To tell one's name- the livelong June-
To an admiring Bog!"

Emily Dickinson

So to all you nobodies out there, let's raise a glass and toast the wonderful Emily Dickinson!

Laughter IS the BEST medicine, Woosy Librarian and Porn

Isn't it neat how you think you know someone and then they go and do something completely unexpected and you have to re-evaluate all you knew about them and come up with new parameters? Isn't it even neater when it's someone you 've known for a LONG time? ....like your husband... lol. So that's what I'm getting to...Foy did something completely and utterly unexpected...in the bedroom...in the bed...to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. We've had a ...wide variety by most standards in the bedroom throughout our married life but then in one night...he just blows my mind. I mean, I'm still reeling and it's noon the next day. He completely rocked my world. I think it all started when I laughed at him. I know, I know..I can be a cruel bitch...but it was funny. He was having problems finding "the hole". I know that sounds crude but really how else can you put it and really that's no dis on him because lots of men have trouble finding it..almost all of them really. I mean it's not blatantly obviously there like they are anatomically THERE. It kinda has to be yours to get right to the spot and right to the point. Anyways, I laughed and things got wild. I think he was just trying to show me who was the boss. No f-ing laughing at him in the bedroom. He'd show me. Well, he showed me. I plan to laugh more often.... :0).

I've tried to decide who I am in the bedroom. Sometimes I think I like to be IN CONTROL and other times I think I like a man who knows what's his, what he wants and TAKES it. I don't necessarily think that who you are in life makes what you are in bed. Sometimes it's opposite. I've seen that happen. It's always the kick ass powerhouse business woman who wants to be spanked like a bad girl when she gets in bed and the whoosy librarian who likes to tie you up and make you her bitch. Maybe this isn't so...come to think of it...maybe I've just watched too much porn. Great.
I think mostly I like a man who knows what he wants and takes it. But if I have to dominate then so be it. I can do that too. Well, enough for one day.

A Relationship with God

I'm in a bad mood to be bloggin'. I just had a fight with Foy. What's bad is that if you asked me I really couldn't tell you exactly what is was about. Not because I don't want you to know but because I just don't know myself. Sad.

Well, alot has happened since my last blog. I had a visit from my MIL and I visited Yellowstone. I booked a plane ticket for my brother who is flying solo at 11 to come and see me on July 15th for 3 weeks. I'm really excited about it. Just thinking about it puts me in a better mood. He's a good kid who my mom is probably messin' him all up but I guess I got out of there with my sanity and most of my morals intact so hopefully he'll managed to keep grounded in the tornado my mom calls life.

I know you wouldn't believe it to read it but I do have some religious ( I hate using that word because in some ways it has bad connotations) beliefs that I try to adhere to in my own little ways. I believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are all one. I believe in speaking in tongues. I believe that it can happen and does happen for real. I believe in studying the King James Version (KJV) of the bible. I don't need my bible dumbed down for me or interpreted for me. I think you can be religious and have a relationship with God without attending church. I do think church is good for your soul though. It's good to spend some time mediating and thinking on God and his gifts. You should find a day each week if you don't attend church on Sunday. I see alot of hypocrisy when I attend church so it's left a bad taste in mouth. Made me bitter I guess you could say. It's made it hard for me to find and attend a church. Another thing that makes it difficult is that I have the beliefs of a Pentecostal without the beliefs that I'm going to hell if I wear pants or put makeup on or cut my hair. I agree with most of what they say and preach other than that. I love their singing. It's so joyful and loud. Raise your voices to heaven and be heard. Rejoice. Worship him loudly with your music. Move. Feel the joy in your clapping and your body moving. Your relationship with God should be one of joy I believe. Be happy in your love and your worship. I don't mourn my religion as the Catholics are famous for. There is a time and a place for reverence and a time and a place for joy. I believe in doing all. I think you should pray to yourself. I hate when the minister at church prays into the microphone when it's time for prayer. Prayer is personal and private. It's a conversation with you and God. I don't need or want to hear it. I think you should talk to God like a friend or like a father. I mean after all isn't he your father? I hate when they moan and say oh, lord. Talk to him ..tell him all about..he will hear your faintest cry..he will answer by and by..keep a little prayer wheel turning...

Sorry the words to a song came back to me but it says perfectly what I was trying to say. There are two sermons that stick out to me. One was that God is the father of the fatherless. Now I am nor ever have been fatherless but that sermon spoke to me because it said just talk to God. You don't have use fancy words or moan or do it where everyone can hear. Just say a prayer. Talk to him like he was your best friend or your Dad. The second sermon that stuck with me was a taped sermon that my Grandma use to listen to and had for years. It's a woman preacher. She says much along the same lines as the first sermon. Something about the fruit of your lips. She says the words don't even have to come out just move your lips and say your prayer. God hears you. And he answers prayers.

Well, as always, this wasn't what I intended to write my blog about but it was on the top of my mind because I did attend church today. No, seriously, I did.

Dumb and Dumber Just Got Married!

So I just got back from a weekend in Texas for my sisters' wedding. She was beautiful and so was the wedding. As her MIL would say, dumb and dumber got married. She says she means it affectionately and we all know what she means. They are so dumb and dumber. I'm not sure who's dumb and who's dumber. It might depend on which side of the family line you are on. haha. Don't get me wrong. I love her. She's not the brightest crayon in the box but she's the sweetest. I love her for her. I love her because she's so sensitive that she cries at the drop of a hat. I love her because she's SO blonde. I once told her that our father was on a hung jury and she commented that must have been a long time ago because they didn't hang ppl anymore did they. haha. I love her because she's truthful with me. I love her because she knows how to push my buttons and when not to. I love her because she avoids confrontation and she can't make a decision to save her life. I love her because she lets ppl (mainly me) boss her around and just when I'm about to lose my respect for her because she's being a pushover she stands up and gives them what for. I love her because she has a limit that's a little farther away than most people. I love her because I know how to push her buttons. I love her because she holds a place deep inside herself for our family and what is important. I love her because she respects and loves our Grandmother as deeply as I do. She understands the fragility of life and embraces who she can while we are all still here. I love her because she's impossibly naive. I love her because she's my little sister and always will be.

Now don't you think I could have made a beautiful toast?!? Why didn't I?!? Ah well, it's enough that I hope she knows these things and how I feel.

Disclaimer :Claiming Mental Incompetence

So once again, it's been a few days since I made a post so I feel this innate need to blog. It's after midnight. Somehow I am sure this is not the time I SHOULD be bloggin'. I'm sure to say something I'll regret but then again, thanks to technology and all that jazz there is that handy edit button. :0).

Sometimes I'm sure that I should have been a writer and then sometimes I'm sure I should have been a dance coordinator. And then sometimes I'm certain that I should have been an accountant or an actress or a designer (pick a field, any field) or a poet.

Sometimes I'm certain my life ended when I had children, sometimes I'm certain it began when I had children and sometimes I'm certain that the best things in life are ahead of me.

Sometimes I think I'm past re-inventing myself and sometimes I have hope that ANYTHING can happen. People re-invent themselves everyday. Sometimes I'm sure that I don't need re-inventing. I like myself the way I am.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say other than everyday my feelings, thoughts, opinions and moods change. I guess you could call this a disclaimer for my blog. I may say things that at the time are true and true to who I am and how I feel at that moment but they may not hold true to who I am the next moment or the moment after that.

I'm beginning to sound like one of those people with personality disorders but here's to hopin' I'm not the only one on this crazy merry-go-round of emotion and life.

Remember I told you that I see things in headlines. Well, sometimes I see them in scenes. Like from a movie. I just had a flash-forward (we'll call it that) where they are reading my blog at a commitment trial (as in sanitarium, mental ward, Rusk, the funny farm, you get the idea). "As you can see your honor, this woman is obviously not mentally competent and can't be held responsible for her actions." I'm not sure what I've done but you can bet I'm probably not mentally competent and haven't been for awhile (take it from me, judge:0))

Ok, like I said, it's after midnight and now I'm just getting stupid. I think it's the pressure from trying to pick out paint for my house. Every room is somehow coming out blue/blue grey. I'm hoping this has the opposite effect of making me feel "blue". I'm hoping it makes me feel serene and calm. I need serenity in life....if only to accept the things that I cannot change.

Goodnight.

My Menstural Cycle and Newspaper Headline Thoughts

So I had my IUD taken out. No, I'm not planning another child right now. I'll tell you why I had it taken out but you can't laugh...I missed not having my period. How weird is that? But apparently it's a common phenomenon. Ok, not that I missed having it exactly (I mean who would miss cramps, bloating, fatigue, tampons and ...well you get the idea) but I felt like skipping it was throwing my whole cycle off..throwing me off...throwing what nature intended off...it felt like tempting the Gods, ya know. I don't know if you know. It's hard to explain. It's like....I think our bodies were made to work in a special way on purpose and deviating from that could spell disaster. They are always finding out horrible things about medicines and procedures years after they started them. Soon they'll say "New medical discovery. New Study's say IUD's reduce life expectancy by at least two years." You know something else that's weird about me (besides 'missing' my period)? I see things happening by way of headlines allot. You know, like when I'm having thoughts (usually sarcastically doomed ones). For example, I don't wear my seat belt to the store that's .2 miles up the road. In my head I'm thinking "Woman Dies in Tragic Accident in Rock Springs; Two Toddlers Sustain Injury". The article reads something like "Ginger Wallace, 28 of Rock Springs, thought that going to the store without her seat belt was relatively safe. Little did she know that statistically most accidents happen within one mile of the home ." Most of the time, this little inner headline voice makes me do things that are safe. It's like my conscience. It helps me make the right decisions ...by being sarcastically dooming. lol. Better safe than sorry I say.

So if you didn't think I was certifiable prior to this post, I'm sure you do now. Let's recap. I must have my period or I don't feel 'normal' and my thoughts often form themselves into headlines. Let's just sign the commitment papers now......