Javier --I'm sorry I'm stupid. I'm sorry I couldn't say how I felt. I'm sorry I broke up with you when I think I might love you. Just know I will suffer too.

Living with mental illness is not easy. 

Living with the effects of childhood abuse and trauma makes living as an adult hard.

BPD is hard.

Rollercoasters are hard.

Protecting people from my rollercoaster is hard.

Feeling so deeply is hard. And sometimes so easy. I love deeply and I hate deeply. I fear deeply. 

He's really nice and kind and perfect and he's done nothing wrong but every fiber told me to send him that text telling him I can't see him because unbeknownst to him I've been on the roller coaster for two days AND IT ISN'T EVEN HIS FAULT.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to handle someone being kind or good to me. It's not his fault he's kind and good so my body freaks out like wtf, this isn't right...this isn't suppose to happen..I don't understand ...abort abort abort my body says

So I do.

I sent him a text after 3 weeks telling him I won't see him again and then cried because I'm an idiot, because I'm a little in love with him and I think I could be more ...

Why did I do it on text? I'm a shit person for that. 

Part of me fantasizes that he won't let me do it. That he asks for one more dinner and a decent explanation and then when he sees me cry he will know I don't mean it and that really it was because I was hurt.

Why was I hurt?

Because I'm starting birth control and he still wants to use protection. 

What a stupid reason to be hurt. He has every right and he should do what feels comfortable to him. But I was so shocked when he said it. 

I have loved men less and felt them inside me with no barriers and here...I have been looking forward to this and he just shocked me.

So I reacted when I got home and sent a break up text. 

But it's more than that. He deserves better than a woman who rides an emotional roller coaster and has to resist the urge to break up with him every other day over some stupid shit. 

Why couldn't I just tell him how I felt?

In a weird fucked up way I rationalize not telling him with protecting him. I am minimizing my own feelings about it and saying I have no right to feel that way so I just won't tell him how I feel and I'll just break up with him...problem solved.

It's ok. Tell me it's stupid. I know...it's stupid. 

He hasn't responded and the anxiety of what he will say and the pain of having hurt him and hurt myself is choking me. I'm an idiot.

He was kind and sweet and sexy and handsome and he was so good to me. Too good. 

I'm so stupid.