Momma's Boy

I'm gonna make this boy the biggest Momma's boy in the whole world! I can't wait til he tells some wife, "That's not the way my Momma does it.". I can't wait to make some DIL miserable *fill in evil laughter here*.

HEY, at least he's peeing AND inappropriate laughter

I am working on my birth story but it's gonna take awhile and take some revisions. It's also super long so I was gonna trim it some.

Ezra has peed on me twice just today, haha. And even when I wanna get aggravated with it I just find myself being thankful that at least he's peeing and it's not dark or smelly like it was there for a few days before he was jaundice. That's me in a nut shell. When I should be bitching I can't help but feel lucky and grateful. I almost always can find something positive.

Also another thought I had today..

I was remembering when I was in labor and I was talking about how my water had stopped leaking and it probably meant that his head had dropped down and blocked the opening. I asked if there was probably more fluid in there and the nurse said yes, that even then (in labor) he was constantly making it by peeing. She said the only way that you wouldn't have more amniotic is if it was something crazy like the baby didn't have kidneys AND I LAUGHED. I'm not kidding. I nervously giggled like she made a joke and then I said, "I don't know why I'm laughing. That's not funny." and my mw in a very pissy way said, "No, it's not funny.". I really didn't think it was funny. I mean that's awful. It was just a nervous reaction. I had a lot going on!

I was just beginning to get comfortable. After unexpectedly going to the hospital things were kinda going my way. They were agreeing to the saline lock so I could be off the IV most of the time. I had got Starla even though she wasn't on call. She had agreed to deliver my baby. I was petrified I would get one of those other doctors and I did NOT want an OB. And Starla was down with intermittent monitoring so it was all going my way...well, as much as it could be when it wasn't. I knew there would be things I could change that they would work with me on and there were things they were gonna be inflexible about. I also got a WHOLE day of skin to skin. No one ever took my baby from me and when they finally did at like midnight that night I followed them into the nursery with him and stayed til he was done with his hearing test and bath. He didn't put on clothes til we headed home  the next day and that was a little bit of heaven. We stayed close. I feel very close to him and it's definitely benefited our breast feeding relationship.

Even with the jaundice hiccup we are doing great with breast feeding. Probably mostly because I insisted on the SNS device. I am proud of myself for standing on that issue. I was very fragile then and I could have given in easily. They thought I was a bit of a bitch. I could see it in their eyes...well, some of their eyes. Thank God for good nurses. Ezra's night nurse was a God send. If we'd had that morning bitch as a nurse for more than a couple of hours we were gonna have a problem. She wanted me to use the SNS to feed him with MY finger. I tried latching him with it to my boob and it was just too uncomfortable. With the latching issues we already have (him being tongue tied and all), it wasn't working and honestly...I was upset he had to have formula. I just couldn't wrap my mind around ME feeding it to him. I feed him breast milk. I don't WANT to feed him formula. It goes against everything I've set my mind on. Anyways, the nurse was feeding him with her finger while he was in my lap (the formula) but the morning nurse came in telling me I was gonna have to do it and OH btw, your probably gonna be here til tonight while the night nurse had been so positive and said she didn't see why we wouldn't be going home that morning. We did go home that morning despite what that bitch said. I had made up my mind that if she left me in our room feeding him formula with the SNS that as soon as she turned her back it was going down the sink. :p I was happy they were letting me breast feed him regularly too. The night nurse even let us skip some of the formula on the DL because he was nursing so good. He ended up only getting about 2-3 oz total of formula. He was in my room the whole time when we were there for jaundice as well. The nurses were pretty understanding that I had wanted a home birth experience and I wanted my baby with me ALL THE TIME. His little lighted bed stayed in the room and they checked his bili and his temp in the room. He was such a trooper. He LOVED the lights. It would have broke my heart if he had hated it. It would have been so hard.

I am definitely gonna work on my birth story some more..while the memory is fresh but not too fresh, haha. Too fresh = I was like FUCK THAT NO PAIN MEDS SHIT but now in retrospect, (so much rosier) I'm glad I went with out it. Just another aspect of my birth story that I could control even when I felt out of control.

You lack in a sufficient way

"You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." Knight's Tale

This phrase popped in my head this morning.

RANT

I had a bitch on my mind. I was gonna post in my due date group online...actually I was gonna comment, "That's stupid. Your body was made for your baby." and then decided that calling people stupid was probably just my hormones talking but SERIOUSLY! She was going to ask to be induced or have her membranes stripped because she was '37 weeks and can't take it anymore'. Fuck. Stupid bitch. She isn't ready, let alone is her baby ready cuz DUH if her baby was ready she'd be going into labor. And then says, "I hope it's not too big to come naturally.". Another dumbass thing to say. Your body was made for you baby. That is never a plausible excuse..ok, maybe NEVER but extremely rare. "I don't dilate" is another fucking excuse for a bogus c/s that if I have to hear it again I might blow my top. Or "I'm 36 weeks and 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced...could be any day now!". No you stupid bitch, you can be 6 cm dilated and 75% effaced and still be weeks from labor. That is no tell for when your going into labor. I swear I'm gonna have to stay off there before I go off. And these women who are 37 weeks and begging to be induced. Man up, bitches! Oh, and elective c/s bitch. Those two words don't belong together and your STUPID. Who elects for major surgery because they are scared of labor and think it's better for the baby? Dumbass bitch, that's who. SHIT, I'm sick of ignorance. I can't take anymore. EVERYONE says elective c/s is a bad idea and she's still insisting and acting like people are 'judging' her. Well, don't' ask peoples opinion unless you want it and when 99.9% of people say it's a bad idea...your fucking ass should shut the fuck up and listen. Ok, I'm done.

Birth IS natural. Just like breastfeeding.

So I went to a breastfeeding class last night which was so nice. It was really great and the lc spent a lot of time on breast crawling which I'm fascinated with and definitely plan on doing. She seems to really know her stuff ABOUT BREASTFEEDING. She's new to town and we only have ONE OB office here (with several OB's) and her office is there and she's currently trying to get privileges at the hospital. She had a checklist for breastfeeding that had things like: Don't give my baby a bottle/paci. I would like an immediate hour of skin-2-skin. I would like my baby to room in...etc. When asked by some of the ladies in the class if their wishes would be met when they gave the list to the nurse she could only keep repeating, "It depends on what nurse you get and all you can do is ask and they might say no.". Are you kidding me? I wanted to scream every time she gave those women that advice. This is your body and YOUR baby. Did they carry that baby nourishing it with their bodies for the last 10 months? Did they just push that baby out? Is that baby half their genetic code? Will they be taking that child home with them in a few hours? How can a nurse know what is better for my baby/my body than ME? Why should I have to ask some one's permission what to do with my baby and my body? That seems so backwards to me. Here she is preaching about how for years women birthed themselves, laid the babies on their chests and went to sleep and babies are NATURALLY made to root and find the breast on their own. Yet at the same time she's acting like birth ISN'T natural. When she was answering one of my questions and kept referring to the nurses I felt the need to explain I wouldn't be bothered with that because I was birthing at home and immediately she's like...I could never have done that. It would scare me. BIRTH SCARES YOU but breastfeeding is natural? Newsflash: Just like that baby knows how to root for a breast and find it. My body knows how to birth a baby. Boo-ya!

My DEAR husband.....(sarcasm)

Yesterday was not the best day. First we had plans to get the baby's room squared away and the hubs slept til 10 when I had to drag him outta bed because he had stayed up to an ungodly hour playing PS3. Ok, moving on. Then he was the snappiest, moodiest a-hole around the entire time. I'm the pregnant one. Isn't that suppose to be me? Finally I realized it might be a blood sugar problem cuz he missed breakfast and it was 1 pm and I went and got lunch. After lunch we were talking about our afternoon plans which I thought had been decided...but he sounds all bitchy cuz he has to take S to dance so I could cook dinner and eat before I have to leave at 515 for my breastfeeding class. So fine, I'll take S. But I say, "So your gonna cook dinner?" which he apparently didn't hear....deliberately. So I rush back from dance to find him playing PS3 again and I calmly rush to the kitchen without yelling at him and start trying to prepare them a meal (at this point realizing I won't be able to eat before my appt....or get myself decently ready...or stop by the store for a bottle of water like I had planned). I ran out of time and I asked him to come up and put all the ingredients that I had cooked and prepared into the casserole dish so I could go comb my hair and fix my makeup at least. He says..and I'm quoting here, "Look like you didn't think this through very well. Your not very organized." at which time I completely blow my fucking top. REALLY? THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING WITH THIS. Really? He was pissy he had like 10-15 mins of prep work to do so he could stick the casserole in the oven for 15 mins. I yelled and I cried and I was upset. Not how I had pictured the last few minutes before leaving for my class. Then he calls me (cuz he thinks I left already) and asks where the fucking cheese is. The cheese is in the goddamn ice box where we always put cheese you dumbass...that's pretty much what I said...no, I'm not kidding...that's pretty much verbatim. He's so fucking helpless sometimes.

THEN he has this nasty skin tag thing on his armpit and he was gonna cut it off with some sterilized nail clippers (which I had heavily advised against since there are so many more less invasive ways to deal with it) and he wanted me to hold it out so he could clip it which I flat out refused cuz it grossed me out. Sorry. That's nastiness and my stomach isn't the strongest these days. At which time he says he will ask Kylie when she gets home. At which time I tell him, HELL NO..do not traumatize our 8-year old like that. I mean I really left no room for doubt about how I felt about it and forbid him to do it.

So upon arriving home from my breastfeeding class (in a much better mood) I find the garage door open AND the door from the house to the garage open. I am a little p.oed cuz I start freaking out that S could be out running around and what if I had run over her and etc. I get out of the car to hear Sophie screaming in the house in a way that I know is serious business so I rush in to find that Foy hit her with the laundry room door in her foot and cut it open. I contemplate going to the emergency room but it's a clean slice that's not too deep and it's not bleeding much so I decide that I think we're fine with some antibiotic cream (that door was kinda nasty) and some band-aids but I can't get Sophie to calm down because before I got there Foy does what he does best and went ape shit in a high stress situation and yelled at the other girls and freaked everyone out. I've seen him do it too many times not to picture exactly how this went down. Kids take their cues from you. If you are calm then they will be too. You fake it if you have to. That's what protecting them is about. To me anyways. Oh yeah, Sophie would have still cried because it hurt but she would have stopped. He had whipped her into a real frenzy and she screamed SCREAMED for the next hour. I laid down with her and read her a book finally and she calmed down. It seemed nothing would work at first.

When things calmed down...MUCH LATER...I got to asking how it happened. He was going to get band-aids out of his truck and rushed back in the house and didn't know she was behind the door. Band-aids before she was hurt? Oh yeah, for him because he did exactly what I told him not to do and had Kylie hold his nasty skin tag while he clipped it and OH YEAH, it gushed blood and freaked him and the kids out so he was rushing through the door because he was worried about himself. This probably made me maddest of all. I mean he said some asshole things but he's a dude....sometimes they don't even know they are being an asshole. And he hit Sophie with the door which was an accident...even though **I** know not to come barging through that door because the kids often hide behind it when they hear someone in the garage to scare them. He came rushing through that door though because he had done something I told him NOT TO  do. Shit hit the fan again. I'm still pissed. It's the next day and I'm still pissed. YES, I am. How can I trust him when I tell him SPECIFIC things not to do and I have specific reasons and he just ignores what the fuck I say like...whatever.

He felt like shit about it all when I more in depth explained why I did not want Kylie doing it and how the kids had already told me about it because unlike what he thinks it did have an effect on them and it didn't matter if he asked Kylie and she said yes. He is the adult..not only that but her Father..of course she's gonna say yes. YOU as a parent have to make some decisions that are in her best interest when she can't accurately judge what she is being asked to do. She didn't know it was gonna gush blood. AS A FUCKING ADULT he should have guessed this and not asked her. Anyways, between being insensitive to me, asking Kylie to help with something he shouldn't have, hitting Sophie with the door and me rubbing it in by telling him he gets the shitty Father and the shitty Husband award for the day....well, he felt bad but honestly that didn't make me feel better.

To explain more about why I didn't want Kylie doing that...**I** was a sensitive child and something like that would have upset me..a lot. Kylie is a stronger kid than I was and she MIGHT be ok but do we wanna take the chance that we aren't making unpleasant memories for her. I have memories that stick out to me from when I was a kid for unpleasant reasons because of some accident or some adult not making a responsible decision. I don't want to pepper my kids childhood with that....not when it can be prevented. It's like driving up on the scene of an accident when your a kid and it sticks out to you forever. Well, your parents might not could have avoided driving up on that but we can avoid some things....like blood gushing out of your Father's disgusting skin tag. THAT we can avoid. Jesus. Plus what if the kids ever get a skin tag..fat chance that isn't gonna stick out to them when we go to get it removed.

Nobody gonna hold me down, no-o, I got to keep on moving...

I'm a stubborn ol' bitch and nobody could argue otherwise. I WILL breastfeed and unless there is some serious medical emergency that is out of my hands this baby WILL be born at home. End of story. 

Root for me to fail. That only fans my flame. I mention bfing and everyone wants to talk about how hard it is. Been there, done that....I know it's hard. That's not gonna discourage me. It's gonna take a whole helluva lot more than that to get me down. I flourish in adversity. Some times I like to make up my own adversity just so I can kick it's imaginary ass. Ok, that was me kinda making fun of myself but you get the jist. 

Oh, real news. Ezra is head down. Big and giant. I can tell cuz my belly is huge and his movements have went from sharp kicks and punches to alien-like wiggling, haha. And it's a weird sensation. The braxton hicks have increased as of late which makes me excited. My body is preparing. 35 weeks in 2 days. I'm beginning to panic for real. I've never been a procrastinator with my babies but that's kinda happening. Foy is off tomorrow and hopefully we get lots done. And the next day is 'make final purchases online' day and if I have time then to Walmart to buy the sheets and towels I need for these birthing bags that the midwife wants me to have ready. Also tomorrow is my breastfeeding class and the next day we will have a final 3D u/s. We have some ok pics but this time they are suppose to be the best. It's getting close. Would it be....flashy? of me to take a video and post it to announce when my labor starts? You know what else, I would LOVE to have someone photograph my labor/delivery (no bloody gore or v jay jay shots!) but I don't know anyone well enough and at the same time not well enough, you know...but how bad do I want this? Is it time to be squeamish?