Selfless Motherhood Doesn't Exist

When you become a Mother, no light shines down and makes you instantaneously selfless. It doesn't happen that way. It would be nice if it did. Motherhood like anything is a great balancing act between trying to meet your needs and theirs.

I'm going to shock you. Maybe.

I once planned to leave my kids with their Dad for a year. I was going to visit every 3 months for at least a week, probably two. I was planning a year. A year to get over my divorce, to figure out my life direction, to get myself together. I had a plan, a place, a person. I discussed it with my ex. We were thinking of some details, working it out. He sure had a lot of shame to throw at me. 

I was dealing with overwhelming guilt. BUT THE THING IS we had discussed this very option if my ex went to work overseas or out of town as a viable option. Not to mention for years he had worked a 25/5 schedule where he worked 25 straight days before he got 5 off. WHY as a society do we think it's so much easier or better for men to leave their children than women? I mean I wasn't abandoning them. I was just leaving the with their OTHER parent. A responsible adult. Why the guilt then? It's inherently sexist if you think it's ok for a man to do this but not a woman. 

What stopped me? My kids. I mentioned it to them like I was thinking about it and they fell apart. See...the reason why it's different in my case is for exactly the reason I just illustrated. I had been the kids "psychological parent" for years. To suddenly leave them would be abandoning them. The divorce was already leaving them fragile and they needed me. 

So those plans went by the wayside but in trying to keep the balance I did leave them with my sister for a week and go to Belgium. And I will be going to Italy for two weeks while they are with their 

Dad in July. 

Balance. I can't have a year. 

It's been a year now anyways. 

A hard year but also a year that built me.

In closing what I am trying to say is....my life belongs to me.