A true soul mate is a mirror...

I googled him. Part of me wishes I hadn't. I refuse to message him today mostly based on the fear he doesn't feel the same.
Part of me thinks 'if you like him Ginger then don't be afraid to say so...don't be afraid to reach over' but another part of me says 'you fool, you will scare him away'. But then that other voice (don't try to keep count of them all) says if you scare him away then maybe he isn't for you.

Sometimes we want things for ourselves that aren't for us.

Like Lawrence, he isn't for me. It's been months since we saw each other in person. I can't remember much about him in that sense. He fades...the smell of him, the sight, the feelings maybe even.

I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" which is almost as bad as I thought it would be. But there were a few nuggets of knowledge I took away. Like this after she says David was her soulmate,"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank god for it."- Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert




emanuele saccarelli seems to be a very serious man. Don't get me wrong. He does have a sense of humor but overall he's very serious. I am not a very serious person. I'm afraid he will find me frivolous and light headed.

I know I should be myself but I find myself wondering if I should be more serious for him...which would be the worst idea. Maybe Emanuele need a little bit of me in his life and I need a little bit of him.
I want to hold him and our convos in a little safe space so I can still like him and unwrap him when I get to Rome in about 30 days.

Speaking of Rome, my hosts at my airbnb in Rome gave me some apps to download which I see will be very helpful. Roma Bus and Citymapper.

I find myself wondering where Emanuele and I will be in 30 days. Maybe no longer talking but if we are will he meet me at the airport or will he just come over later. I encourage myself not to rely on him so I plan and look and do like I won't know a soul there. That is best I think.