I can only help those who help themselves. Put in the work.

People are always asking me for help. I get multiple messages a week.

'Help me be a gentler parent"

"Help me learn to breastfeed"

That was just this week.

It's not that simple. First off, I'm one person. That's a lot of responsibility. When I was learning these things I went to large groups about them and I read EVERYTHING. I read all the stories and the arguments and why this wouldn't work or why it would work and then I joined more groups and read more stuff. I heard anecdotal stories, and watched videos, and read linked articles. I begin to recognize those parents whose relationships I wanted to emulate and I stalked their posts in these groups. I stalked their advice.

Moving away from the authoritarian parent I was and hitting my children wasn't a single step. It was a lot of steps and sometimes I took a step backwards and then I went forwards again.

I use to say that I started whole life or radical unschooling a couple years ago but in truth I don't know if I can point to an exact point when I got it. I think even now I'm going to make mistakes and I'm maybe not doing it 100%. I've said ok, no limits on screens and then a month later been like, never mind, I'm fucking this up so bad so now we have limits again or maybe we have less limits but still some limits like bedtime. It took me almost this full time to get to a REAL no limits situation.

So you see, when you ask me for help it almost seems like too big of a job. Like, it would require more steps than I can even remember I took. I am so far removed from where you are. It's like..


A circle and you need to talk to someone a degree  in the circle from where you are while I'm standing on the complete opposite side.

This is interesting because Dr. Peter Grey at the conference talked about the same phenomenon in how children learn. Children learn best from other children. Someone asked why they can't learn from parents the same way. Don't get me wrong they do learn from parents (mainly as a role model) but it's just not the same as from other children. He described it to say that we learn better from someone closer to where we are. Some people that ask for my help need someone closer to where they are, someone who can still relate to their position. I don't mean to sound bigger or better than those people. I WAS those people. I am growing, changing, evolving..constantly searching for something better or bigger.

I also have to forgive myself often for focusing on one thing more than another. Our diets around here are not the best. I see friends who are very diet focused in their parenting and in their lives and I think I should focus a little in those areas but those parents aren't as focused in areas that I am. We all choose to focus ourselves in different directions and it's good to align with those heading in the same direction..and it's also good to know those who aren't so you can see what may be worthy in their journey to relate to your journey.