A journey, the Good, the Bad, and mostly just the Human

Sometimes I think I want to go back and read this blog but...it's like reliving some things I'd rather not so I think maybe I wouldn't. It has the power to hurt me. It's a chronicle of my sins, my angst, my troubles, my sorrows...

It is funny to go back and read a few posts though.

So much has happened since then. Seeing how crazy my Mom is and how much I just brushed under the rug. I have always used this blog as a diary of sorts and that has gotten me in all sorts of trouble and there have definitely been things I shouldn't have said, could have said, should have said maybe but it's frail and faulty and mine.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since...November of 2014. That is approximately 6 months. That's the longest we have went without speaking since I first moved out of the house and she disowned me for daring to wear pants, cut my hair, wear makeup, and live my life. This time we stopped speaking for several reasons.

1) She kicked my brother out of his house because she thought he was gay. She sent him to my Dad's where they abused him emotionally and finally physically when they kicked him out of their trailer and he slept in the back of a truck for 2 nights before my Dad finally dropped him off at my sister's trailer and I picked him up there. He's been living with us for 2 years this Fall. He will be 18 June 3rd.

2) She called CPS on my sister for nothing more than a vague suspicion (not of any wrongdoing on my sister but on her current baby daddy) and tried to get her ex to take her to court and take her kid(s) away. She already had this whole plan in her head about how she was going to raise my sisters son.

Let's let that sink in. Now shake it. I'm done with that crazy train. You don't fuck with anyones kid's and CPS unless you have a REAL, very real reason. The end.

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That was the bad news. That's why there is a break there because this is the good news.

Well, this is other news maybe because I'm not sure it's all good.

Almost two years ago I started a journey...a transition of sorts. It was gradual and when I thought I had arrived I hadn't really and it's still happening. I'm not sure anymore where it's going and in some things I feel like I've come full circle but not in all things. It's a journey of discovery, of renewal..a journey that should have happened long ago. Maybe I wasn't ready or I wasn't mature or whatever the reason may be. I have the feeling many people have made this journey before me and many will after me. It's been healing, sometimes hurtful but always informative, and most often about self-discovery.

I was looking into a counselor which I'm still pretty sure is on the books to help me deal with my parent issues, hopefully help me heal so I can be a better parent, and maybe to help with my marriage. You see, as I have made this journey, my husband has not. I feel very different from the person he married in 2002 and I don't know how to be happy with the person he is. I once read that we don't marry once but constantly change who we are as does our partner and have to re-marry and re-marry them over and over. I feel truth in that. This journey has been about truth mostly. My truth, and the truth of others.


I don't see how I can cover a whole journey of this magnitude in just a few blogs so this will be spotty and probably a bit ugly to read but it's really not for anyone but me. It's my journaling...my outlet as always.