Bitchin' and Moanin'--Waitin' on the PRIZE

So...as mentioned in a prior post, I'm pregnant. I'm a horrid pregnant person. I am depressed, have violent mood swings, am sick to my stomach most of the time and am not very sociable. I am not very good at keeping my REAL thoughts and feelings about people and their doings under raps when I'm not pregnant and any restraint I have pretty much completely slips when I'm pregnant. I'm opinionated, irritable and pretty much let you know how I feel. I hate maternity clothes and I hate getting FATTER than I already am...thanks I'm fat enough as it is. The only positive thing coming out of the whole thing is of course, the baby. When I am particularly moody I try to keep my eye on the prize which is that I will be have a beautiful new baby out of this experience. I like the movement of the baby too...well, at first. I'm not there yet of course. I'm only about 7.5 weeks right now. I have 32.5 weeks to go. Yippee for me. (sarcasm) I say I like the movement at first because after you get so big it kinda hurts and makes you very uncomfortable but by then your so close to the prize that that is kinda nice too.

Winter is approaching and if anything that puts me in a worse mood. Being stuck inside for months on in with nowhere to go is not my idea of a good time. I want to go home. I mean home, home. Where I grew up. I miss my Grandma and my Momma and my sister and I want home-cooked food and I want someone to give a damn that I don't feel well and baby me. My husband is gone for days on in and when he's home he's watching football or sleeping. Yippee. I want to go HOME!! Right now (cuz I know after about a two weeks in Texas that I would want to come back to my house) I think I could spend the whole winter there and just come back to Wyoming to deliver the baby. I mean, it's not like I ever see my husband anyways. We might as well be living 1500 miles apart.

I have a love/hate relationship with food right now. I crave something so bad that I have to get everyone in the car (because of course, it's never something I actually HAVE) and go get it and then I eat 2 bites of it and it's not as good as I thought it was and I feel nauseous all over again. I feel nauseous if I eat; I feel nauseous if I don't eat. I just FEEL NAUSEOUS! One minute I feel jittery and the next so tired I could be comatose. My mind races and then I can't complete a thought to save my life. The kids are on my last nerve and I need a break. Not a short break, an overnight break. I need someones shoulder to cry on or else I need someone to kick my ass and say get in gear. I don't know what I need.

Most of the time I want to kill the dog. I know it's my fault mostly but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. We are having no luck potty training which again I know is probably from my poor attitude and lack of caring about anything right now except when I have to clean piss and shit up from the laundry room floor and then I care.

Smells are especially disturbing right now. Everything smells strongly and mostly NOT good. Every smell bothers me, even good ones.

I can't stand to be touched. Certainly not by my husband but not by anybody really. My boobs hurt and my stomach aches sometimes.

All right, I'm miserable. Is it all spelled out for you?

I think I just need to see my family cuz they are the only people that could possibly love me in my condition and attitude. The kids are just confused and distressed by this woman that replaced their mother and my husband is at a loss for any good ideas about how to help me. Plus I won't let him help me. What does he understand of my condition?!? He just wants to touch me and as I said, I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED.

I want to cry. Maybe I'll just cry.....

Lexie--minutes after her birth. (I've decided to try and add at least one picture to every post.)

Saying Goodbye to Privacy Pt.4

So it's time to push..my epidural is working. Thank God! They ask my husband if he would like to hold my leg. He touches it as if he's afraid I'm going to bite him. I guess I can't blame him for that ..ya know, considering how cheery my disposition has NOT been I guess he had valid concerns --he might have been genuinely concerned that I was going to bite. ;-) I say "your not doing it right, just let me" and grab my leg and pull it as far towards me as possbile with my leg bent at the knee. They tell me when to push and I do. They say don't scream it takes away from your ability to push harder. I mean, who the hell are they telling a pregnant woman that screaming isn't good for her pushing! After a couple pushes he says that he needs to cut to allow more room for the baby and make a cut...he pretty much ask my consent and I give it. It went more like "anything, whatever, whatever helps this go faster"...something along those lines. At one point he says the head is out and would "they" like to see it. So my husband and my mom leave my head where they've been stationed and everyone goes to gawk at my vagina with the baby head sticking out of it! I mean, seriously! I want to yell! Me, this woman here with the baby head sticking out of her vagina would like some attention PLEASE! A couple more good pushes (with the help of a nurse pushing on my stomach--what's that about?!?) and she's out! I'm ashamed to say I could only hold her sec. I was flat on my back and very uncomfortable. I handed her off to her Dad after a minute or two. Then he handed her to my mom and then Dad gets her again. Meanwhile, the doc is sewing me up. Apparently I receive quite a few stitches and it's taking awhile. My legs are still in the air. He says "I'm almost done just want to make sure I got everything sewed up here" and I say "Just make sure you don't sew anything up that shouldn't be" They all laugh but I'm not laughing. I'm refering to the fact that I can fill his finger in my butt. I mean seriously in my butt. He was just making sure he wasn't sewing anything up that shouldn't be I guess. Glad that all turned out ok.....mm.. In the meantime my hubby gets impatient and wants to show the baby to his parents in the hall so he opens the door up and they try to stick their head in and I'm like NO NO don't come in. Thankfully the nurse enforced what I said and managed to keep everyone out for a few more minutes while I got cleaned up and then she let the flood in....

I'm a Mom.

I'm going to finish my story in one final blog because I have some overall thoughts about my pregnancy and labor that I would like to touch on so adeiu for now!

Preventative Measures NOT Taken...

Well, for the latest new...I'm prego. Not planned exactly but of course, not exactly prevented so here we are. We would like to have a boy but I'm trying to think of the baby as a girl so that I won't be disappointed when it is one. If I find out it's a boy then I will be pleasantly surprised. I was so sure Lexie was going to be a boy that when I found out she was a girl I had this kind of depressing disappointment settle in at first but it passed. Ultimately I love my baby girl. I see this new baby girl as having big fat cheeks and gorgeous dimples and winning smile just like my Lexie-poo. It's still sinking in and we have a lot of thinking to do about all the logistics...ex. getting Lexie a toddler bed so this baby can have Lexie's crib, will the extra bedroom remain blue, money of course...just stuff. I've even started a list of possible names for a girl. I'm really focusing on the girl names for two reasons. 1. I'm trying to come to terms that I will be Mommy to 3 gorgeous girls and Foy might not get his boy. 2. Naming this boy is really important to Foy so if it is a boy it will mainly be his decision.

Anyways, I'm sure you understand that I have a lot of racing thoughts and things I have to figure out so I will write more later but I just needed to share my big news. I took a home pregnancy test and of course, I missed my period but I have not been to the doc yet. I'll keep you posted....