I'M HUMAN

My mom likes to tell this story about when I was younger..maybe 3 or 4. There was this little boy who would come visit with his mom and he would tease me. Mom says he would pull my pigtails and block the tv, among other things. She said she finally told me one time before they visited that if I didn't stand up for myself and retaliate I was going to be in trouble with her. She said sure enough the boy came over and he pulled my pigtail first thing and so she said unlike any child she knew instead of retaliating in a childish way I turned and spatted him on the leg as if I was his mother and I was punishing him for bad behavior. The boys mother started to say something to me and my mother intervened and said she told me to do it and that from now on I was going to retaliate when he teased me and she said I went to my room and cried. I don't think I remember this incident. Sometimes I think I do but then I think I'm probably just remembering the story because she's told it to me before. But I do know why I cried. It's my personality. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate to hurt people. I've always been that way and I may always be that way. Now, when ppl come into my life that cause drama or conflict I resolve it this way--I cut them out of my life. I have more tolerance for those I love. I will endure a fight with them or drama because they are my family but if it's a friend--especially a new friend--then I have only one remedy that always works--I IGNORE. Until you've been ignored by me, you haven't known the true feeling of being ignored. I simply cut you out of my life. No more calls, text, meetings, playdates or contact of any kind. I would never be rude directly to your face or even to other ppl about you but I never will contact you or directly engage you in anyway. I have no patience for explanations or feelings on your part. I'm done. I may never even tell you why. I know this can be heartless of me and maybe even cowardly but it's the way I do things and I've found it works best but having said this, I don't have alot of friends and especially any close ones so maybe this approach isn't working but I'm not changing it anytime soon. It might even be unhealthy. I might be supressing anger or hurt. Maybe I think by denying it--that it isn't there. I'm not sure. I'll save the psycho-analysis for the experts and just stick with the facts. This is how I handle conflict or unpleasant situations and I will continue to do it this way...

Having said this, I do not like to tease or hurt ppl. I've endured too much of both so I know what it feels like and I would never intentionally hurt someone unless I was defending myself. I use to almost physically be incapable of hurting someone either emotionally or physically but in my old age, I developed a hard skin and for ppl who want to impose theirselves on me and mine or make my life difficult if the only way to get rid of ppl like that is to be plain and hurt them then I will. I have a soft heart and because of that I've learned to protect it with a steel plate.

I have many faults. I think maybe I'm too self-absorbed. I'm brutal when it comes to making sure me and my family get what we need. I'm probably too image-oriented. I worry about "keeping up with the Jones'" like the song says. I can be snobby but that's mostly just to hide my insecurities. People think I'm being standoffish but I'm just really protecting my soft heart.

There are lots of good things about me as well. I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and I'll help you out in a heartbeat. I love kids of all ages. I give good sound advice and I won't judge you on your past mistakes. Luckily, I've made so many mistakes that it makes me capable of forgiving anyone their past. I'm honest to a T. I don't lie even to make you feel better, so some ppl like this about me and some don't. Most ppl don't want brutal honesty even if they say they do. I'm a safe haven in a storm when your ready for good, sound advice. I have a level head and hardly make a move without thinking it through before-hand. I have a spontaneous side. I love to have fun, dance and sing. I'm not too harsh with my children cuz childhoods were made for laughter and good clean fun. I'm slow to anger. I don't share my drama, which can be seen as good or bad. It's part of the part where ppl think I'm standoffish but it's because I guess you'd rather not see me air my dirty laundry but if you asked me a direct question, I would air what I thought was relevant. I have done things in my past that I am ashamed of but I am not ashamed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is : I'M HUMAN.