You are not ALONE!

So I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago entitled "So I had a bad day..." and I've been surprised at the responses I've received. First I'm flattered that ANYONE even reads my blog...after all, I kinda write under the impression that NO ONE is reading it because if I wrote it under the assumption that people were going to read it then I'd have to be very careful what I wrote and I don't like to write that way. I can't tell you WHY I write the way I do...but part of it MUST be that when I write what I'm feeling then I always get affirmation from those that read it. We don't have to feel alone as we think we are. To put this into prospective, I went to a "Passion Party" the other night at a friends house and at one point we played a 'game' where when the representative asked a question we rotated one seat clockwise if the answer was 'yes' until we arrived back in our ORIGINAL seat for the SECOND time. Well the first questions were mundane enough...are you wearing a watch, do you have pictures of your kids in your wallet...and then come the racy ones. Have you ever role played, gave a BJ, have you swallowed, had a threesome, kissed a person of the same sex...And I was SURPRISED at the amount of people who answered 'yes' and of course I was so busy with my own moves (I shall never tell...unless you ask of course ;) that I didn't really notice EXACTLY who moved but was surprised at the amount of movement on the questions that I had felt very ALONE in. I suppose that was ONE of the points of the game was to open the course of conversation and help us to all be comfortable with ourselves and our surroundings..I don't know if the point was 'to feel a little less alone' but I definitely felt that. I felt as I have often lately...surrounded by friends and non-judgmental ppl who are the same life boat and life situations as me.
Back to my original point (I so often get 'lost' in my blogs and completely forget where I was headed), YOU are not ALONE. We all want friends. Someone (she knows who she is :0) reminded me of that saying about having friends for different seasons and when you need them ..or something along those lines..I'm not sure I've always had what I thought I 'needed' but I got here so I guess it's worked for me. I did go through a bout of what I think was depression at one point in my life and there were a couple of 'best' friends that pulled me out of it when it could have turned really bad so I guess I got what I needed. I'm not on my soapbox today and I'm not having a pity party so here is good, like I always say. She also mentioned mourning friendships lost and I feel that sometimes too..that friendship that ended for whatever reason.

So I wanted to say READER, that you are not alone. There's a whole world of women out there with similar feelings and in similar life boats.

I think (I wasn't trying to make it sound that way.) that I made some of my friends feel alienated by my post too and feel unappreciated. I would like to say that I LOVE and appreciate all the friends that put up with me. Today I asked the hubby how he lives with me. lol. I said I'm bossy and a know-it-all..I couldn't live with me soooo A SHOUTOUT to my friends who 'put up' with me. BTW, he kept his trap shut. Good move Foy, good move.. :D

Unhappy

Why are we so unhappy sometimes with other people's happiness? What makes us that way? I'm as guilty as the next person but it's just that usually I get to be the happy person and when I'm not--it sucks. Of course, it's not always that way...just moments. My friend had a baby today AND I am very happy for her ...because I don't wish it was me and some friends went to SLC for a visit and even though I kinda wish it was me I'm glad SOMEONE got out of town but someone else I know is taking charge of her body, losing weight and coming up with a plan to make it happen and that makes me unhappy. General weight loss, plan of weight loss by other ppl make me unhappy, why is that? Well, I have a feeling it touches back on that 'if it really bothers you then it's because it's touched a nerve' thing because I think I'd really like to lose weight and feel good about my body again....or feel better about it.

It's hard to feel too bad about my body when I'm having some of the best sex of my marriage though...why that is I couldn't exactly tell you..or you just don't me to probably..but I am. BEST SEX EVER...<--sounds like the name of a porn video..> lol.

On that upnote, I'm putting the computer down and going to play with my new handbag (I mean this literally, not figuratively) and read some of the new novel I've started..that'll cheer me right up!

We work BECAUSE of our differences!

You know just like parenthood there are days where I feel that I have this whole marriage thing figured out and there are days where I'm totally at a lose but I have come to realize one thing that I said recently that makes a whole lotta sense the more I think about it. My hubby and I 'worked' at first because of our similarity's --the things we had in common, and we work now because of our differences. We have a similar vision, life plan..similar thoughts about raising our children (90% of the time)...we have fairly clear divisions in our marriage. I know what he WILL and WILL NOT do and vice versus. The jobs, the roles are fairly clear to us and compared to some ppl's marriages they are different. I've noticed that in my friends marriages, each has their own 'rule' division. Some wives pay the bills, some husbands and on and on and on..each is different but if it works for BOTH of you then that's good. It's just clearly drawing the lines for agreement of both parties. Foy takes out the trash, pays the bills and makes the money. He washes and purchases his own clothes and mows the lawn. I clean the house, cook and take care of the children 110%. He rarely cleans and never cooks and if you ask him when Kylie has a field trip, what her fav toy is or what her fav color is..he wouldn't have a clue. I worry this makes him sound like a bad father..he's an EXCELLENT father. He reads to the kids alot and he plays with them. He keeps the girls when he's home some while I go get groceries or go out with friends. BUT I ultimately bath them, dress them, buy their clothes, food, wash their clothes, change their diapers, plan their parties, purchase toys (including Christmas), cook for them ..I know their fav foods, fav colors, toys they are most interested in...I take them to soccer games, playdates, the library. I am pretty much SOLELY in charge of the children and that's the way I like it and he does too. We are happy in our roles and that's the way it should be. We have differences that go deeper though. He's a neat freak and I'm a bit messy..and this having two personalities helps us balance ourselves instead of drive ourselves crazy. He's anal with paying the bills and I'm happy-go-lucky Lucy--I'm relaxed about that as in everything usually. We genuinely LIKE one another and respect one another and I LOVE THAT MAN. Oh, he's not perfect (like I am) and he drives me nuts alot but I LOVE HIM.

Parenthood. Who? Me? You? Who knows?

I want to be a good parent. Hell, what am I saying, I want to be a GREAT parent. Some days I'm sure that I've got this thing called parenthood all figured out. I do something that leads to a 'good' behavior in my kids and I get to pat myself on the back and then some days I think I must have this all wrong. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have ANYTHING figured out. I try not to confuse myself with alot of info coming in from a book or a tv show because I figure if it was that easy then we'd all be 'perfect' material instead of the screw-ups we are (speaking of myself mostly of course), right? I try to go with my instincts..it's like a blind man feeling along in the dark..that's what parenthood is like. It doesn't feel like a billion, zillion ppl before you have done it...it feels like your climbing Mt.Everest for the VERY first time. I mean we get advice (more than we can handle sometimes) and some of it is usable and some of it we have to leave to the wayside and do what works for US and our kids.

The days (some days) when I think I have this figured out then I think HONESTY. Honesty is the key, right. Age appropriate information...consistency, saying NO (some ppl find this difficult?!), trust, open lines of communication...
But the days I feel like I'm a stumbling blind man I think..it's luck. Sheer dumb luck when our kids come out ok. God, maybe. Luck. DNA. Destiny. Fate. Whatever you wanna call it. Who knows? I know I don't have all the answers and I don't know anyone that does ...no matter if they CLAIM to or not.
Sometimes I think its a fleeting moment. You have a fleeting moment to make an impression, to do your job and if that moment passes...if you don't take the chance when it's there then you've lost. You may have lost in the most important moment of your life.

No pressure here, of course... ;)

Later (2 hours later) it occured to me that with your first child you think you have it figured out, right? You have your second and you think, I've totally got this and then you try something that you remember working with the first and your second throws it back in your face and your like WAIT. I know this is not a totally NEW person....with different thoughts, feelings, abilities...(and you start desperately searching for the manual that came with this ONE ..what did I do with that? Surely it was included in those papers I got at the hospital...). And it's like starting over again and again and again. And THEN you have to figure out how to be a fair parent (or appear fair) while parenting each child like THAT child needs it. That's why NO book in the world is gonna have all the answers because the answer is always different unless we want to start having cookie cutter kids which would be EASY to parent but definitely NO fun. ;)

Take the Blame and CHANGE.

facets:1. aspect of something: a part or possible aspect of something; 2.face of gemstone: any surface of a cut gemstone; 3. part of insect eye: a lens segment in the compound eye of an insect or other arthropod.

Facets have been on my mind lately as in the many facets of woman. We are so much more than we appear or at least speaking for myself, I am. People are always trying to fit you in a box. They try to label you so you make sense, right. Well, like most women I don't fit under one label or you might have mis-labeled me. I guess I find this to be true because I mis-label ppl often. The more I get to know someone then I have to change my labels or adapt them. I have to adapt my first impression of this person. Sometimes the adaptions to the label lead in a positive direction and sometimes they lead in the direction of me seperating myself from a friendship. Ppl end different types of friendships for different reasons. My reasons are never selfish. I try to never judge ppl based on their past to start with. Lord knows I have made mistakes and there are things I would take back but if our past is part of what shaped who we are then ..I can't take that away. And I don't judge ppl on their past because as long as your different, you've changed, your behaviors have changed then your making progress ..your letting your past shape your future but not letting it dictate you or ...as long as your willing to change, trying to change then that's admirable. I don't judge them on their past as long as they are showing signs that they are improving and they admit the mistakes and their part in them and admit they are working to fix that because ...well, I know ppl who blame their past mistakes on circumstances they claim they can't control or behaviors they can't change or ppl they hung around with. I just want ppl to take the blame when it's theirs to carry. There are times when I could have let someone else take the blame for what I did, say they were sorry and I could have let it go at that but TRUE change, TRUE repentence dictates that you must admit your blame and I guarantee you that NO ONE is blameless..wether your to blame for instigating the behavior, enabling the person or carrying your part of the argument then there is blame for you to bear somewhere.

As corny as it may sound when I think of those rehab meeting where you stand up and say "My name is ______ and I am an alcohlic." then that is what it's like. At first you have to own the behavior, admit it, put it on the table and face it head on ..YOU not anyone else before it's going to change. You have to admit your part and change for the better.

As I was writing my post (with two windows open) someone commented on my Facebook post today which said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein. Let's change our behaviors if we're looking for different results ppl. ;)". And she brought me to mind (with her comment) about my own life changing moment of acceptance and behavior changes. Well, there have been at least two that REALLY changed the course of my life but I try to remind myself of this quote often usually in the spirit of "If you act like your mother then expect to get the same results as her.".

The first life changing moment that comes to mind is of a boy. His name was Mario Garcia. We worked together and had...relations. Not a relationship mind you but relations of the dirtiest sort. ;) One night before or after (that detail eludes me) the relations..I guess I was going on about how there were no good guys out there, no boyfriend material, no husband material, just boys that wanted one thing and he said to me (making me very angry in the process)that when I went around acting like I did then what did I expect. This boy who had just (or was about to) take advantage of me in this way told ME that I should re-evaluate the way I acted if I wanted to get the right kind of guy because the way I was acting was only leading to ONE type of guy. I think I was angrier because he was right. When someone says something to you that strikes a nerve (for future reference) you should evaluate wether there is any truth in it because if it hurts then there is probably truth there. Well, if he was about to get 'relations' then he didn't and if he had then he never did again because he was right and I was done. At first I was just mad at him but the longer I thought about it and let it soak in then I realized that he was right and I CHANGED my behavior. Change is hard but it can be done. It takes a moment. It takes saying to yourself and being honest (in my case) "Your acting like a whore and you can pretend all you want that you sleep with WHO you want and that you are in control of the situation but in truth you are letting these boys use you and losing respect for yourself in the process and if you can't respect yourself then HOW can you expect anyone else to respect you." I said this to myself and I said it til it hurt and change was still hard but I did. I took a different path and it lead me to my husband. It lead me here. And HERE is GOOD. :D

Some other day I'll tell you about my other LIFE CHANGING moment but that will lead to telling you about my mother and that's a whole 'nother can of worms that ain't ready to be opened yet. So adieu 'til next time. :D

Aspirations of Being a One-Hit-Wonder

I have aspirations. I have aspirations of becoming a writer or well of becoming a published writer. Have you ever felt like some ppl only have that ONE thing in them? That one good thing that they are going to do? It's like the one-hit-wonder, the artist who only EVER has one hit song and then it's over BUT that one song..it's usually one of my favorites. They may have only had ONE thing in them to give but it was GOOD and it's better than some people who will give you a lifetime of crappy music OR never even have a one-hit-wonder. I think it works the same with acting and writing. Some people will only ever write that ONE GOOD book or star in that one GOOD movie but that's all they needed. That's all they have.

Well, I have one. I have at least one in me and I'm going to write it one day. I am. As my mom would say 'You can write that in your little black book and then stick it where the sun don't shine.' ;) I've always known that I have one...one day...one day...when the time is right..when the planets align. It's there. I feel it.

College or not, I'M SMART! ;)

Kylie asked me yesterday if I went to college and I had to tell her 'Yes, briefly, but I didn't do well. I was distracted and I quit.' I didn't want to have to say that but it's the truth and I will tell her the truth. I will hope and pray for her that she will do better. That she will learn from my mistakes and do things BETTER than me. That's my wish for her. She did make me feel better by saying 'Then how did you get so smart?' lol. Wonder how much longer she's gonna think I'm so smart? lol. And I got to tell her that going to college really had nothing to do with being smart. I AM smart and I didn't go to college but I'd be EVEN smarter or at least I'd have a degree to SAY that I was smart instead of just knowing it. ;)