To Everything There Is A Season and What's Mine Is Yours

Life has seasons. I try to accept these seasons as they come and not wish time faster or slower or for it to stand still. Every rough patch, every moment I couldn't wait to end did and led to something better. Though I treasure every day with my babies I don't wish time to slow or stop....the season they are in now will end when it's time and a new season shall begin. I just enjoy it...or try to. I try to live in the moment...not wishing for the future, not looking back on the past or dreading in the present. We have one life, one moment to make the most of it. I truly try to live each day as if it was my last. I think of what's fun, what will make a good memory, what do I WANT to do.

This is not to say I don't look forward to things or reflect on my past somewhat. A little of both are good things. I'm looking forward to my birthday....in a weird way. I guess that's a far cry from my last birthday. I'm looking forward to driving my car, perhaps going swimming...I'm looking forward to getting the 200$ I'm expecting in the mail from my Grandma so I can get me a new iPod. I'm looking forward to February when I get to throw my sis a shower and fly home by myself. I'm looking forward to her having her baby. And as far as my past, there were so many lessons there. I'm a lot wiser and better person that I could have been. I'm enjoying the present too. I've been knitting. I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep in a few minutes. My hubby is home and watching football which I find to be a pleasant back drop to my knitting....and blogging it seems.

I just see so many people dreading things or talking about time flying with their children and for it to slow. I take life at the pace it offers me. I wouldn't change a thing at the moment. I enjoy every day with my girls. They are....well, they are the bestest. If I don't wanna clean....I usually don't. I try to avoid things I don't like doing. Of course, those kinds of things become necessary at a point but then it's just to do it. You can find joy in your journey. I find joy in my day to day life and so should you. I find joy in my children. What makes them happy usually makes me happy too.

Then again I do live the fairytale as Gingerella. My hubby is the bestest, my children are a blessing, my family is doing well, my friends are supportive and understanding. I am spoiled....I'm living on the sunny side, that's for sure. :) But though I think God is shining on me I believe he helps those who help themselves and my hubby works hard. I work hard at being the BEST mother I can possibly be and I don't always take the easy road but I try to take the right one. We worked hard for what we've done and for what we have. I won't feel guilty or bad because I have something you don't. I guess this occurred to me because of my new car. I know a few people on my friend list who have old cars and can't afford new ones and are always working to fix theirs and it's breaking down and they struggle and I feel bad for being so happy about my new car but then again....we work for this. One of them is a single pregnant woman who struggles to support herself but how are her bad choices my fault. Another friend has a hubby who works a dead end job and doesn't make much money and she tries to stay home when they can't afford it...why doesn't he look for a new job? Though I feel empathy and yes, I can't help it a little bit guilty for all the wonderful things we have....for our lack of money issues...but then again, we aren't here by accident or because we waited to hit a million dollar jackpot or because my hubby doesn't work at maintaining a positive work record or keeping his credit score spotless. We planned, worked and MADE these things happen...and so could other people. Life is what you make it. It's something you should make happen...not something that should happen to you. And I realize in saying this that tomorrow the hubs could be out of a job and we could be struggling....but whatever life hands me that I CAN'T control...I feel secure knowing that we will and are making the best choices and will continue and strive to make more what ever may come.

I hope that most people know my joy about the things I own or have is not coming from a mean place. I am very good at sharing my "wealth". I will let you ride with me or borrow and play with my gadgets. There isn't a begrudging bone in my body. I'm not one to be overly anal about my things either. I have children and fully expect them to be children...as well as yours. I would never NOT be friends with someone because of something they had or didn't have...because of lack or boocoodles of money. I try not to see that. I try to judge people on their actions...on their honesty, on their parenting and how they treat the ones they love and the ones they don't...on how their loved ones treat them. Someone on FB today put some quote about the older I get I judge people more on what they do and not what they say. I agree. I can be guilty of snap judgments of people but I would never say I'm not one to change my mind....or admit if I'm wrong. I CAN be wrong.

I don't have time to proofread this tonight and I'm sure a lot of it doesn't make sense. I'm tired and my throat is getting that tightening sensation that usually means I'm getting sick....ugh. So I think I will take some meds and call it s night...I'll look over it tomorrow.

Walls Don't Make For Close Friends

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh." Tom Bodett

I found this quote when I was looking for one about the person in the room laughing the hardest is the one crying inside....I don't know it exactly...couldn't find it. But this one sorta gets my meaning across.

I'd like to mention my disclaimer before I start. The many faces of me and all that jazz...

People think cuz I storm through life trying to get laughs or being the loudest, dressing the loudest, looking like I'm having the most fun doesn't mean I don't deal like everyone else. I just camoflouge better than the next gal. I do lead a blessed life but I have my own burdens to bear...so just know when I make it look easy and I work harder to push you away might be when I need people the most. I'm self-destructive like that. :/

I really think that motivating myself has something to do with my life. I spend A LOT of time telling myself I'm Superwoman and I'm resilient and I don't need ANYONE and I'm gonna be ok NO MATTER what, that I move through life believing it and never letting my guard down to see otherwise. I'm SO independent that sometimes I push potential friends away without meaning too. I have to look like I don't need anybody so much that people start to believe me...

I told one of my friends recently that she seemed "approachable yet untouchable" and maybe I was talking about myself a little. I'm so friendly but so many times when it comes to real intimacy I shy away, push away. But I guess that's cuz I've spent so much of my life taking care of myself and those around me...I've had to trim the fat, lose those people that I couldn't carry cuz I can only carry so much. I had to worry about what I could change and forget about what I couldn't . Life has hardened me. I had to build a wall to protect myself and unfortunately it usual succeeds in alienating me from people more than I intend.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. *chanting my mantra* I'm just trying to delve into my own psyche. Explain something to you and work it out for myself I guess. I AM happy...I just regret that lack of intimate friends sometimes. Though I will say that the playgroup I belong to has a great group of women that I love getting to know more and more. :)

Take the Blame and CHANGE.

facets:1. aspect of something: a part or possible aspect of something; 2.face of gemstone: any surface of a cut gemstone; 3. part of insect eye: a lens segment in the compound eye of an insect or other arthropod.

Facets have been on my mind lately as in the many facets of woman. We are so much more than we appear or at least speaking for myself, I am. People are always trying to fit you in a box. They try to label you so you make sense, right. Well, like most women I don't fit under one label or you might have mis-labeled me. I guess I find this to be true because I mis-label ppl often. The more I get to know someone then I have to change my labels or adapt them. I have to adapt my first impression of this person. Sometimes the adaptions to the label lead in a positive direction and sometimes they lead in the direction of me seperating myself from a friendship. Ppl end different types of friendships for different reasons. My reasons are never selfish. I try to never judge ppl based on their past to start with. Lord knows I have made mistakes and there are things I would take back but if our past is part of what shaped who we are then ..I can't take that away. And I don't judge ppl on their past because as long as your different, you've changed, your behaviors have changed then your making progress ..your letting your past shape your future but not letting it dictate you or ...as long as your willing to change, trying to change then that's admirable. I don't judge them on their past as long as they are showing signs that they are improving and they admit the mistakes and their part in them and admit they are working to fix that because ...well, I know ppl who blame their past mistakes on circumstances they claim they can't control or behaviors they can't change or ppl they hung around with. I just want ppl to take the blame when it's theirs to carry. There are times when I could have let someone else take the blame for what I did, say they were sorry and I could have let it go at that but TRUE change, TRUE repentence dictates that you must admit your blame and I guarantee you that NO ONE is blameless..wether your to blame for instigating the behavior, enabling the person or carrying your part of the argument then there is blame for you to bear somewhere.

As corny as it may sound when I think of those rehab meeting where you stand up and say "My name is ______ and I am an alcohlic." then that is what it's like. At first you have to own the behavior, admit it, put it on the table and face it head on ..YOU not anyone else before it's going to change. You have to admit your part and change for the better.

As I was writing my post (with two windows open) someone commented on my Facebook post today which said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein. Let's change our behaviors if we're looking for different results ppl. ;)". And she brought me to mind (with her comment) about my own life changing moment of acceptance and behavior changes. Well, there have been at least two that REALLY changed the course of my life but I try to remind myself of this quote often usually in the spirit of "If you act like your mother then expect to get the same results as her.".

The first life changing moment that comes to mind is of a boy. His name was Mario Garcia. We worked together and had...relations. Not a relationship mind you but relations of the dirtiest sort. ;) One night before or after (that detail eludes me) the relations..I guess I was going on about how there were no good guys out there, no boyfriend material, no husband material, just boys that wanted one thing and he said to me (making me very angry in the process)that when I went around acting like I did then what did I expect. This boy who had just (or was about to) take advantage of me in this way told ME that I should re-evaluate the way I acted if I wanted to get the right kind of guy because the way I was acting was only leading to ONE type of guy. I think I was angrier because he was right. When someone says something to you that strikes a nerve (for future reference) you should evaluate wether there is any truth in it because if it hurts then there is probably truth there. Well, if he was about to get 'relations' then he didn't and if he had then he never did again because he was right and I was done. At first I was just mad at him but the longer I thought about it and let it soak in then I realized that he was right and I CHANGED my behavior. Change is hard but it can be done. It takes a moment. It takes saying to yourself and being honest (in my case) "Your acting like a whore and you can pretend all you want that you sleep with WHO you want and that you are in control of the situation but in truth you are letting these boys use you and losing respect for yourself in the process and if you can't respect yourself then HOW can you expect anyone else to respect you." I said this to myself and I said it til it hurt and change was still hard but I did. I took a different path and it lead me to my husband. It lead me here. And HERE is GOOD. :D

Some other day I'll tell you about my other LIFE CHANGING moment but that will lead to telling you about my mother and that's a whole 'nother can of worms that ain't ready to be opened yet. So adieu 'til next time. :D