Conversation with my daughter over lunch

Me: What did you talk about in your Unitarian Universalist Middle School Club today?
Her *animated*: We talked about gendering toys and colors and how other things are gendered. Some of my friends told stories about how they were discouraged about buying certain toys because of their gender or about how they weren't allowed to wear a suit because girls had to wear dresses in their school choir.
Me: That's a really good topic. It reminds me of our trip to the agriculture museum yesterday. An older man caught me on the porch while you guys and Dad were playing. He said I had 4 girls and I told him Ezra was a boy. I said maybe the long hair or his nail polish was why he though Ezra was a girl. He said oh, get him around some boys and they will start teasing him and he'll learn to stop doing that. I just walked off but the truth is that Ezra or anyone can wear nail polish or have any length hair they want. Those things don't define your gender. Only you can define your gender. This man lived in an age and time when people's worst fear was their kids would 'catch the gay' . They thought you could catch it from nail polish apparently. I don't care if you kids are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, queer, etc I only want one things for your future and that's your happiness.
Kylie: It's almost like he WANTED Ezra to be bullied for his nail polish.
Me: That's a good way to put it. I agree. That's not kind. No one should ever be bullied, ever. Not for their hair, or nail polish, or clothes or anything.

Me: So today in my Social Justice meeting at church we discussed a few things. One thing was Planned Parenthood. Some of the members got to tour the facility and they said it was very nice.
Her: What is Planned Parenthood?
Me: Oh it's a great place. I went there for STD testing, treatment, pap smears, breast exams, and contraception. If I had needed to they also do abortions. You know I was diagnosed with an STD right after your Dad and I started dating and having sex. We don't know who had it first but we both got treatment from them. They gave me antibiotics for treatment and another bottle to give to my partner to treat his STD. It was a very embarrassing time and I almost just dumped your Dad because telling him we had an STD was not what I wanted to do but that wouldn't have been fair to him. I got tested regularly and he didn't. It's a good thing it got caught. If I had gotten pregnant at that time in my life despite my efforts at birth control I probably would have had an abortion. Honestly, at the stage your Dad and I are right now and because we don't want more kids if I were to get pregnant now I would probably have an abortion.

On the way home in the car.

Her: You know Mama, you have tried to tell me that I'm being stereotypical when I like blond hair or when I don't like country music. You accused me of only wanting those things because of a cultural or society's message and that's not fair. I can like or not like those things because that's how *I* feel.
Me: You are absolutely correct. I apologize. I just know we can internalize messages about blond hair being the best or most beautiful because of our society of systematic racism and I know when I was your age kids that did like country would say they didn't because it was cool to say you didn't at the time. I just want you to be authentic and not feel pressured. I felt pressured about shaving and makeup and it took some self reflection to decide what was not an internalized message of society and what *I* really want.
Her: I get what you are saying about internalized messages. Truthfully I like country music more than I say. I mean I don't like it but it's not super awful.

More Organic Living, SLC, Squishy Fluff Baby

I'm also recently obsessed with essential oils, natural cleaners and making my own detergents. I made some cloth diaper detergent but I'm not sold on it. Time will tell. I want to start using it on all our clothes as well.

I think my hair has detoxed almost a week and I'm dyyyyying. It's so oily. I have 'washed' it with water and combed it but it's a real drag to say the least. I'm gonna keep on keeping on though. I'm gonna treat it like breastfeeding. At first it's gonna suck but then it's gonna be so much better and easier. Hopefully it will start to even out soon OR I'm not gonna be able to handle it anymore and the baking soda/apple cider vinegar is going on it. Once I get my hair figured out then the kids are gonna start it. I don't wash their hair much anyways but no more shampoo/conditioner for them.

I'm excited for Salt Lake next week. We have so much stuff planned. It's keeping my mind off Ezra's appt. I'm actually anxious for that as well because this waiting is the worst part. I need to 'work' to feel like I'm doing something to help or else move past it.

I really like my new friend a lot. She posted a pic of her son holding Sophie (the giraffe) and I said I wanted to get one soon for Ezra. It had been on my list of things I wanted but kept getting pushed back as not a NECESSITY. She said no, no, no that Anderson had 3 of them and I should just take one of his. SINCE (as well all know) I have issues accepting things from people I am going to accept it graciously (she will have no idea how hard that is for me, haha) BUT I have already found a way to 'pay' her back. I knew she wanted to get him an amber necklace so I've picked out one that one of my WAHM online friends is making and I'll give her that. I hope she likes it.

I like to buy things for people and have a hard time accepting things. I won't apologize or feel bad...that's just me. I especially like children and love to buy for them. I love how honest they are.

I am going to sprinkle this post with babies and fluff and fluffy babies, well baby.

Ninja Vanish (3 lil Birds in the City cover, he has a prefold trifolded inside)

 Kawaii Baby

 ANIMAL (he has socks to match this that don't fit him yet)

 Biohazad alert!

front of animal

This last pic was just yesterday. I do love my sugar man baby. 

You've just been eye balling his head, right? I know. It doesn't look too off or at least I don't think so and at least not yet. Try not to stare too much at his head and just notice the all over cuteness. He's fluffy and sweet. <3

Craniosynostosis

I should have took off for the East coast this summer. No, I shouldn't have because then when I noticed Ezra's head ridge I wouldn't have been close to his doc.

I guess I should just acknowledge that all my angst lately, my obsessive eating, my lack of energy...are all related to his appt with the neurosurgeon. The fact that your kid has a "mild head deformity" that could become worse and lead to neurological problems can be a bit of a bummer. The fact that he may have to have cranial vault reconstruction which is a confusing way of putting skull surgery that has to have a neurosurgeon and craniofacial surgeon in attendance.....well, that's just....depressing. Worrisome. Gut wrenching. Mind blowing. Unfathomable. Nightmarish. We have the appt with the neurosurgeon on the 26th. He will order a Cat Scan to confirm the diagnosis. I hope..I pray..I plead...I beg...that it shows something not so severe or better, nothing at all (though with his head ridge I don't know how it could be nothing). I can't allow myself to hang out in the place where the diagnosis is confirmed and we move on to serious head surgery on MY BABY. Despite not wanting to be there, I had to for his sake..I had to research it. I have to know. So I did. BTW, what he has is called Scaphocephaly. It is a form of craniosynostosis. I don't have the energy to explain this to you or even give you links. I don't even have the energy to explain how we arrived at the fact that we want to see a neurosurgeon about it. I CAN tell you that I spend too much time looking at other baby's heads trying to figure out how 'off' my baby's head is. I can tell you that there isn't an hour that goes by since we decided we needed to pursue this that my mind doesn't arrive back at this or linger on it somehow. I can tell you I haven't cried. What I have done is spend too much time with these knots inside of me..with this pent up anxiety that is making me lash out at my husband and children unfairly. I can tell you I feel like a combustable bomb right now...that could blow at any time.

I was obsessively researching for a LONG time and now I feel like I've reached some...point of calm. I feel like I know enough that should that diagnosis be confirmed I will have a grasp on what is coming next and what we do next. We find a neurosurgeon to operate. I want the BEST. I am debating a guy in San Antonio that pioneered doing this surgery lapriscopically ..if that's an option still. Ezra might be too old. I'm also debating Dr. Fearon at Texas Children's Hospital. He is touted as the best. I know that I still don't have to vax him and I know that I have to make sure they don't retract his foreskin when they put a catheter in him...you can get one in without retraction. I know that I can't take my cloth diapers because they will use disposables so they can weigh them after the catheter comes out. I know that his face will swell and so will his head and brain. I know he will have tubes coming out of everywhere and taped to him. I know he won't be able to open his eyes for approximately four days...even though he'll be awake some because of the severe swelling. I know there is a high likelihood that he will have to have repeated surgeries. I know what adults living without surgery look like and feel like. I know what the likely consequences are should we choose to not do the surgery.

I know all this stuff...but ask me if it feels real. It feels fake. I feel fake. I feel like someone else. This is happening to someone else. I feel cold and hot and empty and full. I feel scared. I'm so scared I can't even say it. I'm so scared I can't even think it. I'm so scared I can't tell anyone. I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's real.

I have reached this place where I can't research anymore til we have a diagnosis. I want to hold my baby and love him. If love could cure him....if my kisses could make him better then he would be. I want to pretend this isn't happening and hang out with my kids and go on vacation and be the happy go lucky family that we won't' be should this diagnosis become a real thing. We need this. I need this. I need normal so if after the Cat Scan normal isn't there anymore then I know I made the best of 'normal' before my life, my husband life, my children's life, MY SON'S life was turned upside down.

I feel like....I feel minimal. I feel like I have no feelings or time to give to anyone or anything that doesn't matter. My family matters. The rest is useless fat. It's....distractions. I feel like nothing matters...other than the people I love. I feel basic and primal. I feel like I've been pushed down to what my core is.

I feel like nothing matters but happiness. The happiness of my children and myself and my husband. For now.

Biohazard Alert!

Our other new diaper...they both (see two posts ago) came yesterday and I got them prepped. BIOHAZARD alert. And this is so fitting as soon as  I got it on him he pooped within like 20 mins. That's my boy! :)

This is a Kim's Cloth diaper. She makes the nicest. They have adjustable leg elastic and are minky inside and out with a hidden layer of PUL. Niiiiiiice. I so want this wrapped about my butt. It's like giving your butt a hug. <--I would make that my slogan....seriously. 

The Fluff Wagon (I'm on it!)

This is one of our new diapers. It's sized. I hardly ever buy sized diapers. This is a medium. I am loving how very trim it is on him though! And he's so stinkin' cute! I love these Baby Legs too that I bought from a FSOT. It's one of a few pairs that we have. This diaper is courtesy of The Fluff Wagon on HC.

Home Birth

I will always insist on blogging at the worst possible moment, haha...right now I'm sick and foggy and something less than sharp as a tack but what am I going to do...why blog of course.

I do have a lot on my mind. I'm back to the birthing at home idea. Well, I originally revisited it because Foy and I have discussed a bit of a belt tightening financially that needs to happen. I was thinking how I could do my part and eating at home more, not buying unnecessary items (for example we might not order nursery bedding. :-O I know I'm as shocked as you. I've done that with all my children but what must be done must be done.), and we discussed the cost of having and supporting another child...that's how I arrived back at the home birthing option because it IS cheaper and it was an idea I had from the beginning and gave up. Sooo I bit the bullet and emailed the lady. She replied and we've exchanged several emails. I knew her concerns would be my weight (making me less than ideal even though I'm healthy) and my fear is failing my gestational diabetes (which I have a test for on Feb. 7th and will still keep that appt with Starla). She has been very receptive and we're suppose to meet on Feb. 1st. I am going to get a copy of my records from Starla and we're gonna precede from there. Though she agrees with me keeping my gestational diabetes appt that I already have. I'm still pretty daunted by the financial aspects. I have to stop my payments to College Hill and HOPEFULLY get some money back. Confirm that my insurance is on board (which the midwife says they will be). AND the midwife requires full payment of 3000 dollars by my 36th week and she will reimburse me as the insurance pays her. This was a hard pill for Foy and I both to swallow and required some thinking on our parts. Also speaking of Foy, he was resistant to the idea. He mentioned safety and MONEY and was very unsupportive. He kinda shut down about it and said some not nice thing followed by me saying not nice things. We had a huge fight. We kinda regrouped later in the day and the next day and then today I asked him to sit down and watch "The Business of Being Born" with me and he did and at first he didn't say much and I thought he wasn't going to but several minutes afterwards he said...' "Even if we don't get any of our 3000 back it's still cheaper than a hospital birth so I guess we need to make this happen and start working on it.". It took me a second to get on board with what he was talking about because I didn't realize he was thinking about it. I felt so relieved. I can't tell you the weight that lifted off me. I haven't been sleeping well and last night was especially bad. I'm sick. I felt anxious and I thought it was anxiety about my decision but when he said that I realized my anxiety hadn't been about my decision but about his thoughts on it. I went to bed for a nap and slept like a baby for the first time in several nights.

I also think it helped that I've started reading a book my midwife recommended. It's called "Spiritual Midwifery". If you can get past the hippy bullshit it has some useful info ('far out' and 'holy' suddenly becomes an adjective? Plus their worship of this Stephen fellow on The Farm is creepy). I guess mostly what I've gathered so far is the idea of going with your pain instead of fighting it..of riding it instead of resisting which I had heard before but the book keeps making the point and it becomes more...real to me with each birth story. Also, the idea of having my husband partake in a more real sense..that talking, touching and kissing during labor can speed it up and help me to stay 'open' so I go with it instead of against it. I can't speak for Foy. I can't say that he'll be receptive but just like getting him to watch that movie with me...I'm gonna work on him. He'll be 'hippying' it out with me soon, haha. He won't even know it. ;) I'll molest him during labor and he won't be able to resist his wife.

I told my Mother my idea. She's gonna be here. Something I really didn't want but she talked to me about it and I was surprised how important it was for her to be here for her grandchild's birth. I can't ignore her wishes. I was also REALLY surprised at how open to the idea of a home birth that she was! She is possibly more excited than me. I told her I'd have to buy a pool and she called me the next day because she'd been googling water birth on youtube and saw pics and videos and found the water birth international website and pool recommendations and she wanted to make sure I got one that was eco friendly and didn't have phthalates, lead or cadmium in it. She is even more onboard than Foy and very supportive. We've spent some time talking about it. She agrees that I'm a good candidate and is reassured that my midwife is certified and that the hospital is close in case of emergencies. She gets that I trust my body and am making the best decision for myself.

Anyways, like I said...a lot on my mind. I have a ton of questions..like what constitutes an emergency? Would she attempt to deliver him breach? Will she deliver the placenta in the pool or out? What are her thoughts on Vit K and the antibiotic eye ointment? I saw a herbal Vit K that can be taken by me and passes through my breast milk and would like her thoughts on this as an alternative to the shot or giving the baby Vit K. Where would be a good place for the pool? Can my upstairs withstand 170 gallons of water, my weight, her weight and the husband? (I do not relish falling through the floor!) It is ok if my children are here? (though they will not be in attendance at the actual birth..I wouldn't mind if they were running around until I needed to start vocalizing and then they could play in their room while I delivered..is that a realistic scenario in her opinion?) When should I call her since she's 2 hours away? What if she is attending another birth? Does she have another client with a similar due date? Will going to the hospital, if I have complications or if she can't be here, be a problem? I was thinking of buying a 'drinking hose' with a filter to fill the pool up. Will we use a hose to fill it up...I'm assuming that's the only way? When can I get into the pool? What if we need to empty some out and refill it to warm it, how do we do that? Should I blow the pool up and fill it prior to labor to make sure there are no leaks or problems? These might seem stupid but then...I've never done this and part of the whole point is that I feel in control and calm and to do that, I need to KNOW STUFF. lol. I've always needed to know stuff.

Despite all these questions, I feel so...empowered by my decision and by the thought of doing it this way. Despite this book being hippish ;) I went to my nap today thinking positive thoughts because of it..thinking about keeping myself open, visualizing and slept better than I ever have so maybe that hippy bullshit isn't so bad after all . ;) I think the most moving message Foy got from the film was how important this was for a woman..to feel in control and how much a hospital was not needed without complications and how it was better for the baby. Now if I can just get him to read the book that the midwife recommends for him..."The Birth Partner". I mentioned it earlier and I think if I buy it then maybe he would listen to a chapter in bed every night if I read it aloud to him. Hey, I'm desperate. I'll do anything. I just want him to supportive and feel as informed as I do at birth.

Baby Names

We have been ...having lots of problems with this but we MAY be at problems end. I have told some family what we're thinking and the kids. I have posted on my Mom website. I'm not ready to FB it yet (that feels so final...so FB OFFICIAL) but I think I am ready to blog it.

Ezra Cooper


I know..weird for us, right? But we both really like it. It's old which I like and it's different which Foy likes...he also seems to favor short names so this appeals to him and I prefer at least two syllables so this fits me. We're pretty set on it...well, the first name. The middle name is the one we aren't that firm on for sure. We had some middle names we had liked: Benjamin, Foy, and Van were all contenders but none of those seem to suit. I like Ezra Van but Foy doesn't. I don't really like Ezra Foy but if Foy insisted then I could live with it but he doesn't seem to like it. And I just DON'T like Ezra Benjamin.

I also like the links Ezra has...so far I've found 3. It's a book in the Bible...which doesn't bother me at all. It is in the name of a band, Better than Ezra...which is fine. And it has links with Superman! The husband is a Superman fan and so this doesn't hurt at all. Ezra Smalls is the fictional character that founded the fictional town of Smallville. Well, maybe 4 links because where I actually got the name FROM was the last episode of Bones which the hubby and I both like so we're ok there too. I also tried it out in my Mom's group and got some stories about some pretty great Ezra's and most people were positive (or else they didn't post which is fine by me). My Mom didn't LOVE it at first...I mean she's not negative but I can tell she's not gung-ho but that won't stop me. My Grandmother loves it...which I knew with it's biblical ties that she would AND I told the hubs he could tell his Mom because I'm not dealing with her. My Mom can be very difficult but she has a lot of tact when it comes to decisions that she believes are mine and she has no place in but my MIL is the opposite. She'll spout out the first thing she thinks and I'll either be rude or cry....so Foy is dealing with that shit.

I've been trying the name out myself. :) I call my bump Ezra and refer to him as such...to get a feel for it more. So far, I like it. It's awkward at first but...I'm feeling it. I hear the kids say it and it's so cute. Sophie says it in the most adorable way. Anyways, I know this sounds like it's a sure thing but the hubs and I have thought we had sure-ish things before and it's ended up not being it but....I knew when I heard this...I'm pretty sure this is it.

I got serious baby brain lately. I guess with the holidays gone my mind is free to wander and it spends a lot of time on my baby bump. It also helps that we got the rooms fairly straightened out and his bed, changing table and rocking chair are moved into his room and...I find it so pleasant to walk by and see it. Sometimes (ssshhh, don't tell anybody) I go and sit in the rocking chair and dream of him ..when I have a quiet moment which is rare.

I really want to order the bedding I picked out but Foy is being a douche and won't let me. Money, money, money..blah blah blah. I mean I know we've been bleeding cash with vacation and Christmas but we're gonna buy it so I don't know why I can't go ahead. It feels like the next logical step.

I guess we're fixing to spend more cash too. We went to a birthday party for a boy in Lexie's class today and several kids showed up that didn't know the family and just came because of their school invite. 5 by my count so I'm thinking we MAY do a birthday party. I know even if just 1 or 2 showed up that Lexie would be THRILLED. Especially if they were her extra special friends. This is her 'golden birthday' and I'd like it to be extra special for her. Well, I would anyways. I do love my girl so. Then soon after will be Kylie's and then S's should be quite simple. Since she's so close to the boy's due date hers will be iffy. My Mom SHOULD be here. So it may be a small family thing but I'll still get cake and balloons and presents....

Ah man, I am so tired. I haven't went to bed before 11 for two nights in a row...for no good reason and now it's 830 and I feel comatose. I am SO outta here!