Future Thoughts.

I'm tired of being scared. I feel like I want to do something. I want to feel like I'm living and not just holding a space for when I'm ready to live.

My problem is I don't really know what I want to do. I thought about taking a college course or trying to get a job on a blog ...even a non-paying one. I thought about starting one.

I'm flaky. I have a million ideas and too little follow through.

I want to do Yoga.

I feel like all the things I want to do will take too much from my children. I feel like I owe them my time and resources especially because we unschool. Guilt. It's guilt.

I didn't go today. Maybe I will go again.

I didn't go to UU today and it wasn't because I was busy it was because I decided not to go. Here are the reasons.

1) I attended a talk maybe a month ago where they played a film of a psychologist talking about anger and I mostly agreed but he referenced putting toddlers having a 'tantrum' in their beds because toddlers are trying to manipulate them. I disagreed. When I brought up this disagreement in the talk another woman pointedly said how she finds children obnoxious in public places.

In a place that is suppose to be about social justice, is suppose to be about non-violence, and acceptance there are an alarming number of old folks (I realize this is ageist...) that are fine with hitting children. It's like the one category that seems to universally be accepted. It's illegal to hit your animal or your spouse but everyone is a-ok if you hit your child....your small, defenseless, still maturing child.

2) In a talk last week (no film, just a roundtable discussion) one man referenced the video of the Black woman hitting her Black son because he was 'rioting'. My favorite response to this has been that I'd like to think if I were in this woman's shoes and my child was endangering his life what I would do is says 'Son, I love you so much and I wish you would choose to not do this because I fear for you life. If you will not leave though I feel as your Mother and someone who cares for you deeply that I must stand here between you and the danger because that is my job...to protect my heart.' If this helped my son to walk away or if it didn't, this is the line of non-violence I would like to follow.

Anyways, this was referenced and he was commending her. I'm not sure if he was racist because I often find white people commending violence more often when it involved people of color because they like to think of them as animals or somehow less than. I can't say he was but I can say that he referenced his own childhood and compared his Mother favorably to this woman and I couldn't help but think 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I can't believe how many times I defended what my Mother did to me. I mean I am ultimately 'ok', right? It took me accepting that non-violence was the path I wanted for my own children, to love myself, and to learn boundaries...to accept that I was ok IN SPITE of what she did and not because of it. This man, this man who has attended a UU church for years and accepted that lifestyle STILL thinks it's ok to hit children. It's so...disheartening.

Another man talked about his daughter gaining weight and how he could fix her. What? She lost her Mother six months ago to cancer. Accept her, love her, buy her some fucking ice cream, and stop being her judge. Our kids don't need anymore fucking judges.

Another man said his niece had cut off her entire family (you could tell this greatly displeased him) and he was the only one she would speak with but she had called him recently and said she needed his support because her husband was diagnosed with very bad colon cancer. Now he feels like he must tell the family even though she doesn't want him to. When we delved a bit deeper he says (his words) 'She CLAIMS to have been sexually abused as a child and that's why she won't talk to any of them'. WHAT> THE>FUCK.

No one cuts off their Mother and their entire family for fun. I should know. I cut off my Mother and it's fucking hard and even after what she did it motherfucking hurts. I'm not having a good time. Why is it so hard for him to accept his niece's truth as THE truth? Whether it is the truth or it isn't, she asked him not to share and now he should respect that.

Needless to say I had many very ...strong opinions in this roundtable discussion that many may not agree with.

To sum it up I am finding at UU that there is very little kindness toward children despite their empty words. I cannot abide those who hit children or those who excuse hitting children. I find it detestable.

I have noticed the church has some problems. They are mostly white and mostly old yet they preach inclusivity. It's a problem. They are so tightly bound to each other and their outdated ideas that any 'outsiders' find it difficult to get in.

Anyways, I didn't go today. Maybe because I'd hear some more abuse being justified or maybe because I don't think they can handle my truth. So is my personal struggles shading my perceptions of what is happening? Yes, and that's why I keep giving it a chance.

Remember when you never made mistakes? ...No one else does either.

Is love really the answer?

Simply, yes.

I mean it's the easy answer when the are lovable or when it's the people in our lives we care about but what if it's the people who are making us angry. How do we show love then? For example, what if it is a transphobic person speaking negatively about Caitlyn Jenner?

Love is still the answer. Love of Caitlyn and love of that person. What is your ultimate goal or wish? That the person you are speaking with would understand and accept transgender people I hope is the answer. What will help them do this the most? Seeing transgender people reflected in a positive light and not the privilege few upper class transgenders like Caitlyn but the ones who are hurting still, who needs homes and hope, and acceptance. They need to see transgender people in their news feed. They need to see positive stories about the achievements of transgender people. They need to see the people they revere having something positive to say about transgender people.

Highlight what  you love. Take care of what you love and ignore what you hate. Think of it as a plant. If you love a plant you will nurture and care for it with love and kindness (work with me here, you really love this plant. And if you hate a plant (who could?! but work with me here) you ignore it and it will wither and die. Choose to spend time on acts of love.

I think my job as an ally is to amplify transgender (and ALL LGBTQ+) voices and to do that I need to focus more on speaking positively about them and leave the naysayers and the haters to...wither and die (I mean, I don't want them to die ...but their hate can.).

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Boundaries are healthy. You get to say who is welcome in your private spaces and how they are welcome there. They can choose to comply or they can choose to leave. If having them in your life is more important than this choice you will choose to make allowances for them.

Ultimately we can't change others. We can only change ourselves or change how we do it or change how we think about it.

What do we do when someone we love is struggling? Say, with depression. We get them a therapist but we notice they are eating more, gaining weight, sleeping more, and picking up bad habits in general. What do we do? What do we do if it's our child?

We leave them alone. We be there for them. We DO NOT judge them or attempt to fix them or for gods sake talk to our daughters about their weight. What children need the most from their parents is overwhelming and undying love and acceptance for who they are. That's all. They just want to be loved for who they are NOW, in this moment. Not to be seen a project worthy of love or acceptance when they meet that behavior expectation or when they are an adult or when they never make a mistake (remember those days? Yeah, no one else does either.). Love and accept them now. Less judgements and more acceptance. Do it for them and treat yourself the same way.

Triggers, abuse, and what is my role

I just read this article and it hurt me. It hurt me with it's truth. The idea that maybe I'm brain damaged from the abuse I encountered makes me feel like a victim all over again. I am a victim. I've never stopped being a victim. I have healed some but that doesn't mean I won't always have been a victim. I think in that respect it's like alcoholism. I will always carry this...this violence of what happened to me with me. Will I always be recovering?

I was hugely triggered the other night. I have issues with the word triggered. I haven't decided if I like it or not. I do realize that I can be triggered but are my triggers other people's responsibilities..not really. I can choose to read or see or participate and I know how to walk away and not be a victim again by something that triggers me. Ok, back to my story.

I was at the neighbors that I like house. They aren't perfect...I mean we don't parent the same way but I generally like them and their kids.

This new couple moved in with their kids next door. I met them and didn't particularly care for them. Sometimes was definitely telling me to stay away. When you talk to her, she's a 'one upper'. The neighbors were admiring another neighbors sound system so she said hers was better, she just didn't have it turned up all the way. If you said someone had a nice bike, she would tell you how much hers cost and how nice it was. It's very irritating. Irritating but I could stand it. I've met other people like that.

Anyways, they came to the neighbors house I like house while I was there.  It was fine at first but the more they drank, the worst they got. They told HORRIBLE stories of how they hit their animals and hit their children. Basically bragged about how much they controlled their kids, where their kids weren't allowed in their house, how they punished them...I mean twice she told this story about how her oldest (15) splattered water on her and she punched her and how she only respected her when she hit her. The neighbors I like were giggling saying their parents did that to them so the neighbors I don't like agreed, yes their parents did the same thing. I said I was abused also (I said ABUSED because that is what it fucking is when your parents hit you, tackle you to the ground, pull your hair, slap you....). They couldn't see what happened to them as abuse. What happened to them was ok and it was ok to do that to their children. NOOOOOOOO. Fuck no. Hell no. No. Justifying that behavior is wrong. You were abused. There is power in saying that. There is healing. I am still healing but that simply acknowledgement is healing.

Not only stories about hitting their kids (and I mean repeated stories sometimes telling the same ones over and over) but stories about beating their dogs. Then she started talking about how she got into fights when she was pregnant. This woman...reminded me so much of my Mother. People who are truly badass don't get into fights, they walk away. People who are truly badass don't brag about how badass they are. She was just sad. She talked about her family get togethers and it was my entire childhood brought to light. The violence, the alcohol, the behavior, ....all of it. I swore when I lived through that I would never subject myself or my kids to that again. I walked away while she talked and I came home. I couldn't sit and listen anymore. Later I went back over because I thought maybe the subject had changed...no. They were still going on. Sometimes telling the same stories. Oh, and they were religious. Go to church every Sunday like clockwork. *snort of disgust* I left their house for good and decided I am so done with them.

Foy came home later and I was silent. He said, 'Well, um, that was, um, interesting.' which started a tirade of obscenities from me about how what they are doing is NOT ok. My kids aren't subjected to that and our relationship is one of partnership and peace. My household is peaceful.

These kids love my house. They spend quite a bit of time over here. I think it's because I like kids. I accept them as equals. I don't have a lot of rules or arbitrary guidelines. I'm calm.

The next morning at UU I battled with myself. I hate CPS. I use to say I would never call them, or I wouldn't without a really good cause. I use to say I would try to fix it myself or help the people. I can't. What can I do? If I stay silent, am I not as guilty as every person who stayed silent while I endured abuse? Those children are me. I am those children. It's still a battle, a weight I am carrying around, this knowledge.

I can only help those who help themselves. Put in the work.

People are always asking me for help. I get multiple messages a week.

'Help me be a gentler parent"

"Help me learn to breastfeed"

That was just this week.

It's not that simple. First off, I'm one person. That's a lot of responsibility. When I was learning these things I went to large groups about them and I read EVERYTHING. I read all the stories and the arguments and why this wouldn't work or why it would work and then I joined more groups and read more stuff. I heard anecdotal stories, and watched videos, and read linked articles. I begin to recognize those parents whose relationships I wanted to emulate and I stalked their posts in these groups. I stalked their advice.

Moving away from the authoritarian parent I was and hitting my children wasn't a single step. It was a lot of steps and sometimes I took a step backwards and then I went forwards again.

I use to say that I started whole life or radical unschooling a couple years ago but in truth I don't know if I can point to an exact point when I got it. I think even now I'm going to make mistakes and I'm maybe not doing it 100%. I've said ok, no limits on screens and then a month later been like, never mind, I'm fucking this up so bad so now we have limits again or maybe we have less limits but still some limits like bedtime. It took me almost this full time to get to a REAL no limits situation.

So you see, when you ask me for help it almost seems like too big of a job. Like, it would require more steps than I can even remember I took. I am so far removed from where you are. It's like..


A circle and you need to talk to someone a degree  in the circle from where you are while I'm standing on the complete opposite side.

This is interesting because Dr. Peter Grey at the conference talked about the same phenomenon in how children learn. Children learn best from other children. Someone asked why they can't learn from parents the same way. Don't get me wrong they do learn from parents (mainly as a role model) but it's just not the same as from other children. He described it to say that we learn better from someone closer to where we are. Some people that ask for my help need someone closer to where they are, someone who can still relate to their position. I don't mean to sound bigger or better than those people. I WAS those people. I am growing, changing, evolving..constantly searching for something better or bigger.

I also have to forgive myself often for focusing on one thing more than another. Our diets around here are not the best. I see friends who are very diet focused in their parenting and in their lives and I think I should focus a little in those areas but those parents aren't as focused in areas that I am. We all choose to focus ourselves in different directions and it's good to align with those heading in the same direction..and it's also good to know those who aren't so you can see what may be worthy in their journey to relate to your journey.

Unschooling Conference and Gender Pronouns

A lot of things happened at the Unschooling Conference I just attended and I may speak about them here at some point but something weighing on my mind at the moment is this:

I was speaking with another Mother in attendance and I used female pronouns to describe her daughter and the friend she brought with her. The Mother told me that their guest actually preferred male pronouns. I was a bit embarrassed and very happy I had been told. I would prefer to have been told by the Mother than by him. I know I can be hard on myself about pronouns but I so much want to be inclusive and accepting of all transgender or gender queer individuals in whatever part of their journey they are on.

I felt this was a defining moment for me that I've been working up to for awhile.

Another story. I was recently visiting a friend. She rarely posts pics of her children so I wasn't entirely sure of their gender or even how many. When we showed up there were two children, one dressed in pink pants and a brown shirt and the other in a MLP dress. The one in pink pants had shorter hair (mostly because they were younger) and the older in the MLP dress had long hair about to their waist. I referred to them both as 'she' to my children and was corrected by the Mother. The older child was a 'he'. I felt so embarrassed because I of all people support boys having any length hair they would like (as well as girls of course) and not having to wear what our society has deemed suitable for their gender. People who identify as boys should be able to wear a dress when and if they want and still be referred to as 'he' if they wish.

So between these two incidents I spent the rest of the conference working very hard to refer to any children whom I did not hear others refer to with the gender pronouns she and he, as 'they' or 'them' or 'their' or 'the child' or 'the person'.

It really is hard to change your wiring. It's finding a new place in my head not to assume someone is a certain gender because they look to me like a certain gender.

An unschooling conference is the best place to work on this since you are more likely to see non-normative dress and hair styles. Many gender neutral things. Lots of colors being worn by all genders. People who are all accepting of their child and have no subscribed limitations on them.

I think this is very healthy for me to question these things and to learn to speak a new way. To learn to think a new way about gender and how fluid it can be is definitely a change I want to make and I hope to forgive myself (and have others forgive me) for any missteps in my own journey.

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.