Lifestyles of the Not-So-Rich and Definitely Not Famous (but determined)

It's a 1000 bucks for a roundtrip ticket to London, England for a week. I'm so going. I just gotta get this baby birthed and grown up a little and I'm leaving the whole passel of youngins with their grandparents and takin' me an In-ter-national Vaca. Oh yeah, it's happening. Don't doubt me. I like to dream...but not in the way that you dream of things that aren't possible...this is totally possible. I spent more than 2000 bucks (of course my honey is going with me) on school clothes shopping in one weekend. It might not happen for a year or two but then it's happening. Or maybe Milan, Italy...that's 1300 bucks roundtrip. Who knows where I might go? The world is my playground.

A Day of Death, A Day of Life

I spent the first part of today watching the 9/11 Memorial shows. 10 years today and like everyone else I remember where I was. I think the most telling thing is how I felt...vulnerable. I had the vulnerability of youth. Terrorism? That couldn't touch me. Not in this promise land. That was something that happened to OTHER people. Not the good ol' U.S. of A. Vulnerability. I also felt scared. Where next? Where would they strike? Would it be even closer to 'home'? Closer to my person and those I love? I was shocked. I felt like what happens to something people experience during a tragedy. Like surreal. Like it was happening to someone else. I went through the motions of my day with my mind busy. My thoughts on what was going on, what changes were coming....what would happen now?

I like to cushion myself. I like happy things. I like to surround myself with happiness, good food, good things...I shy away from things that make me feel sadness. I mean chances are there are moments when I won't be able to avoid sadness...when my loved ones die or when things are in my face but until that time I'd rather surround myself with as little as possible. So I've always avoided the documentaries and shows associated with this day but today I immersed myself in them. I cried. I remembered. I found out some things I didn't know. It brought back those feelings of vulnerability, of being shocked and scared. I grieved with those who lost. I rejoiced with those that survived. I guess I don't like to watch those things or immerse myself in them because I don't want to become calloused. I don't want to NOT feel or to get so beige about it that it doesn't make an impact. It didn't make me feel as bad as I thought it would. I felt like a survivor. I felt like looking back with wisdom...a little more savvy, a little older, a little more experienced was a good thing.

I HATE those people (there are several on my page..I'm saddened to say that a lot of them are my family) who turn this into a hatred of a race or religion. And what's worse is they camouflage it with religion...their hatred. God is love. If your truly religious...if you truly believe in God then you should read about forgiveness and love. People shouldn't be lumped together. They should be judged individually...when your judging for yourself. God will do his judging and you have no say-so in that.

I don't know why I thought today was good but I decided to watch "The Business of Being Born". I guess I haven't announced on my blog yet but I'm pregnant with my 4th child and am seriously considering a home birth. I interviewed a midwife over the phone who I'm considering and she suggested this movie. A friend of mine had already suggested it (she had 2 midwife births, one in a birthing center and one at home) but I guess I thought it was gonna be some "doctors are demons...hippy thing", lol. Ok, so that was a little judgmental but I was wary. I guess I'm always wary of a group of people that believe there is only one way to skin a rabbit. I don't bow to any one's idea other than my own. BUT since this home birth thing was MY idea and something I feel pretty strongly about but I seem to be running into obstacles to it here and there...and I was thinking of just giving in and doing this thing like the other 3 births...I decided the time was ripe to watch it. I'm glad I did. It wasn't quite what I expected. There was one idea I DEFINITELY disagreed with and that was this 'love cocktail of hormones' notion. I agree that women should be in charge, be more informed, allowed more say-so, birth at home...I agreed with it almost 100 percent. There was one quote that I can't quote exactly but went something like, "If you believe in this woman and in her ability and in her bodies ability then you are doing her a disservice by taking this from her.". I love woman empowerment. With three girls I strive to feel empowered and to empower them with EVERY decision I make. Anyways, back to the love cocktail. They implied (or pretty much said) that if you have an epidural, c-section, pitocin drip...then you've interfered with this mix of hormones between baby and mother and your bonding will not be the same. That you won't care for your baby, feel that bond like a woman who goes through natural labor. Well, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit. I am enraged that someone would even imply I loved or bonded with my baby any less than any other woman. How dare they! But I also embrace the idea that I've never had a home/natural birth (I've had partial ones..where I didn't have pitocin or where the epidural didnt' work) and I will make a better judgment after though I'm sure I will still insistently call bullshit on that point. The film was informative and mind opening otherwise and renewed my determination in making this home birth happen for me.

I guess 'fearmongering' has become an echo in my head. If you can fear monger people into making one decision or another then you've made it for the wrong reason. I don't want to be fearmongered into birthing in a hospital but on the opposite hand I don't want to be fearmongered into having a home birth. I want to do it for MY reasons. I want to be informed....not fearmongered.

When my Grandmother was told about my pregnancy she asked my Mother, "What does she want all these kids for?". It's been echoing in my head since my Mom told me. For? Should I be using them FOR something? I can't tell you why I wanted another exactly but I CAN tell you that I'm not having them FOR something. I'm trying to raise them to be productive, intelligent, independent, loving, rewarding adults. Maybe having children is your way of trying to achieve immortality or make sure you live on in the ideals of someone else or maybe it's so you have someone to care for you in your old age...maybe it's egotistical or self-love or your way of making sense of a senseless world...who knows why? I can't answer these large questions but what I can say is I take damn good care of the children I have. They are loved and they are loving. They make me happy and I love spending time with them. I have the way and means to care for them and a home full of love to bring them to so what I guess I'm saying is "Why wouldn't I want more kids?".

Happy 4th of July!!

So once again I'm having people over for the 4th. I don't know how this always happens. I truly never plan it. Someone will just ask me about doing something and suddenly I have people over. THIS year it's playgroup peeps. Well, even though I invited several people only 3 Moms have RSVP'd so it won't be that large of a group and I will confess that I'm not too sad about that. I was planning a small family celebration cuz I always figure at the point I actually start planning that most people already have plans but Nicole asked if I wanted to get together and it turned into a whole day thing. I was just thinkin it was weird that of all holidays the 4th is the one where I always seem to have company. We are planning the Gorge for the first half of the day and then roasted weiners, s'mores, watermelon, salads and 4th of July desserts at my house. I'm sure we'll be staying up for fireworks here also though I don't know if my company will.

I decided the Gorge was a good idea after going yesterday with Amanda and her family and Lacy and her boyfriend. We had never been swimming out there and it was fun. :) I really liked the floats they had. I'm going to get some before tomorrow....I hope, if Wally isn't sold out.

My brother is in and we've been pretty busy but I like it that way. Gotta keep him busy. Water park is planned for week after next and then San Diego not long after that. Just living the fairytale as Gingerella...How absolutely terrific my life is hits me all the time.

Another day of traveling that went almost as well. We didn't leave the hotel til 830 which was an hour later than I planned on leaving but things worked out fine. We made it to our goal destination and with this new travel plan (that worked so well) we only have 3.5 hours of travel tomorrow. Yay! Next time we try this (as long as there isn't a new little Wallace) I might be ready to attempt it in 2 days again.

I'm excited to see family but tight on finances so more subdued than usual. We'll be taking advantage of lots of FREE stuff this trip. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make though for our San Diego trip. We've already booked and paid for the hotel and if I can watch my dollars we should have plenty to spend. So much to look forward to this Summer. Though I am mostly happiest wherever I am and if we had NO plans I'd be making the most of that too...

I AM pretty excited my bro is coming back with me though. He's old enough that I trust him to stay with the girls...especially after they go to bed for a couple of hours. Yay for free babysitting! I can't believe he turned 14 this year. Where has the time gone?

Well, I've taken off for Texas and had such a great first day of traveling. Because of the GPS in my car I decided to play it loose this time and see how far I could get...though I did settle on a goal eventually of farther than I usually go and I made my goal in record time and the kids were good for the most part. I mean, I had a couple of times I screamed at the older two for fighting but overall a good day making great time. Even the hotel went great because we are platinum members of Best Western I got a free room upgrade and the front desk and other patrons had been very nice, polite and accomadating in my limited interaction with them. And THEN the front desk called to say they had some complaints about "screaming children". We'd only been at the hotel like an hour...from like 630-730 and the kids were getting in bed when they called. What I'm trying to say is...yeah maybe my kids after a long, hard day in the car let off a little steam before retiring at a decent time. I mean it's not like they were screaming for hours or even in the middle of the night. What kind of a-hole complains about a couple of loud noises? It just put a damper on a great day...so thanks to whoever the a-hole was for crappin' up my day! :(

So I've been spending a lot of time weighing the important question of wether to have another child or not. It's never a question I've taken lightly...bringing another child into the world and specifically into my life deserves all of my grave attention. Of course this decision probably predominantly effects me but secondarily of course my husband so he gets some say so in the matter as well. But when I asked him (one of the times because I've been bringing it up a lot lately) he said, "I don't really care or feel strongly one way or the other...it effects you more than me.". Though, reader, I just pretty much confessed the same thing it was confusing to hear it actually come out of his mouth. Mainly because I've been putting a lot of thought and time into this decision and ultimately together it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make.

I am getting older. 32 in January. The girls are moving on to new phases, new things, new chapters...I want to be the best Mother I can be and when I try to put my feelings aside (Do **I** want another baby or not?) and just think of them...what would benefit them and be completely honest...I don't think it's beneficial to them to have another sibling. Sometimes I look at my little family and feel so complete. Actually I almost always feel that way. Complete.

I want to spend my time coaching, cultivating, watering, encouraging and being the best Mom I can be to the flowers already in my garden. I want to expand all my energies on to helping them, cultivating them...to be the best women they can be. Having another child is honestly less money and less time to go around...less one on one time. I love my children so dearly and I LOVE spending time with them.

It could be that I never ache for time away from them because I have such an amazing, supportive husband. I never have to be happy my children are gone because he allows me (or I demand) that time when I need it and he's always been wonderful to comply. He thinks men should take an active, involved role in taking care of their children. I think a lot of his willingness to help comes from the fact that in the first 18 months or so of K's life...because of our job schedules you would have probably said he was the predominant care giver. He's always been so amazing and such a wonderful father.

I don't know...I still haven't made the final decision on having more children though this blog may sound like I have. I do feel I'm getting to the age where my biological clock is ticking rather loudly...but I don't want to rush a decision or make one for the wrong reasons.

I have a healthy marriage, a supportive family, I'm a SAHM so I CAN devote my full attention to my offspring...and much like people who are crazy never questioning they are crazy...probably the fact that I can voice the concerns I have means I am aware of them and can make wise choices should I decide to have another child. I would make sure I had the time, energy, attentiveness that I needed to give each child..

Do you or don't you?

Why is it the shower or while I'm driving down the road or when I'm talking to someone else that I ge these blog ideas and feel like they would be exactly what I needed to say? Never when I'm sitting down at the iPad to write.

I don't know if I've mentioned it but I belong to a playgroup...mostly that I enjoy. But (without naming names) this chick was recently "kicked out" cuz some of the members used words like "stalker", "aggressive", "addict"...in conjunction with her. Her son was called "abusive" and some members even said they felt uncomfortable attending playgroup with her and her child there. Now, this person wasn't a fav of mine but I was honest with her about our particular issues and felt we had closed the deal as aquantinces and she got where I was coming from. She wasn't keeping me from playgroup nor did I feel "threatened" by her. BUT for the safety of the group...the owner and mods decided to tell her she wasn't welcome to attend anymore because of the sheer volume and seriousness of complaints. Two letters went out...one being signed with the mods names (including mine). Well understandably the chick was upset and unfriended me, the owner and another mod. Now I'm all good to go up to here....but THEN some of the VERY people that had been THE most outspoken in their complaints about her remain on her FB friends list.

I get called things....that insinuate that I'm a bad friend, that I'm two faced...and honestly now I feel a little bit bad cuz now this chick (who remember I had no REAL issues with) thinks I'm a total b**** when the "friends" on her friends list are really the problem.

I try to be honest with myself....and that means you blog and I think I AM a good friend. As long as I'm there and I choose to be your friend I can be the best one....when I don't want to be your friend or have a problem then I am honest about that too. Even though people may not like that about me...its what makes me NOT two faced. I lose face with myself as long as I proceed in a game of pretend and maybe even worse...I lose face with other people.

Now these so-called "friends" of hers...and for that matter mine have me wondering. If you'll use words like "stalker" and "aggressive" about her and then pretend to be her friend to her face...won't you do the same thing to me? Now those are definitely not the kind of friends I want or need.

And this is not to be confused....can I have aquantances? Yes. Can I be civil to people that I don't just love? Yes. After all I am an ADULT. But I think people have a right to know where they stand. And also that's not saying I love EVERY. LITTLE. THING. about my friends. I mean yeah...even the ones I like annoy me occasionally. It would be highly irregular if they didn't but airing an annoyance doesn't mean I use words like "stalker" and "threatened" in conjunction with someone and still invite them to my parties.

I guess you could say I walk on the right or I walk on the left....but I hate those who are trying to straddle the fence.