What happens when Mom needs rescued?

Sometimes I'm sitting in the front seat driving and it feels like all the worries of the world are resting on my shoulders. My mind is going a mile a minute and a million things are piling on me and THEN I hear a little voice say "Mommy" and I look in the rearview and three of the most precious faces I've ever seen are looking at me with a world of trust and love in their eyes and THAT is when my kids rescue me cuz I know looking at those three faces that there isn't ANYTHING in this world I wouldn't do for them and there isn't anything that's not possible and I WILL be ok even if it's only for them and at that moment I know I can handle anything. I feel stronger and like more things are possible than I ever dreamed.

No doom and gloom here!

I'm sitting at Starbucks...I came to knit and listen to the relative quiet but what did I do...wind up on Fb and it shattered my calm somewhat like it often does.

You know I think some people have a lot of crappy days. I'd be really surprised if they had a good day or WAIT, maybe it's not that they didn't have a good day but they don't FB the good day, only the crappy one. Seriously, didn't your Momma tell you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Now I realize that we ALL have bad days and we have the right as friends to listen to someone when they have a bad day, to show empathy, to sympathize but seriously when some people seem to never have a good day it boggles my mind and I get tired of it. My favorite quote on Fb is "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. I try to live by that...obviously I wanna be the former not the latter. I try to spread happiness, not doom and gloom. I want to lift people up, not drag them down in the mire with me. I wanna be half full, not half empty. I want to make people laugh and be a benefit to their life and obviously I want the same of my friends.

Ok, another Fb gripe. Solicitors. Hate it. HATE it.

Carcinoma

So I think I'm ready to say it....I might have skin cancer. The way I see it there is a good possibility.

There really aren't any jokes left when you might have skin cancer. It's really no joking matter.

Before I went to the doc I joked about how I had told Foy that the spot on my arm looked like like cancer and he said, "Uh, how'd you get that?" like cancer was something you "catch" for Christ's sake. Ok, I'll admit it...that is still a funny story but I feel like the jokes on me now.

I hate to be dramatic. I feel a little bit ridiculous that I feel this way but I know I've probably said it before...sometimes you can't explain WHY you feel that way, you just do.

So about how I feel....I feel freaked out. And I don't even know anything for sure yet and won't til the biopsy results come back. Ok, here's the story. The doc said that it looked like carcinoma, a slow growing skin cancer but the biopsy would tell them what type and how much tissue they needed to take.

Honestly, I'm so scared I can't even google it. I can't even google it!! And that's not the usual me. I like to be informed. I like to know the answer before I ask .....but it feels like if I google it...if I find the info then it makes it true. It means it WILL happen...that's kinda how I feel about talking about it and I can't believe I'm being THAT person. I've always ridiculed people who I thought that were being idiots by denying the facts and acting like not talking about them made them not so, DENIAL. I've always thought, whats the point?

I think I've read or heard somewhere when people get news like CANCER they go through the stages of grief like losing someone (I guess if I googled it then I'd know, right?). Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and loss.

Anyways, I have to walk around doing my duck act (it's water rolling off my back) and acting like I'm not a normal human being that's freaked the fuck out. There I said it I'm scared and I'm freaked out. And don't tell me that it might not be so and don't tell me it's gonna be alright. Don't try to justify my feelings away...believe me, if it could be done I would have succeeded myself. Truth is I tried to be "ok" and the REAL truth is...I am NOT ok and more truth, I can't seem to tell anyone I'm not ok.

I had to tell my hubby on the phone cuz he's been gone for a week or so...he's been gone since I found out anyways. I didn't wanna freak out on him cuz he has a job to do. He needs to know I can hold down the fort here right. He needs me to be capable and strong. I told my mother but she has enough on her plate and she's far away...me freaking out is just gonna make her freak out and feel like shit cuz we're so far away. And a friend knows....but I'd feel like a baby freaking out on her...first off, cuz I don't cry in front of people cuz I don't ever know what to do when people put me in that position plus she's had skin cancer, melanoma...so I'd mostly feel like a big baby freaking out to her over a little possible carcinoma.

But truth is I get tired of being the one who is "ok". The one who doesn't get to have a bad day or need people cuz I'm the other person..I'm "the strong one" ...I'm the one people lean on, not the other way but really I'm tired.

But telling you, blog, all about it really does help plus I broke my silence by telling my good friend Nikki all about it today. We've shared a lot and I've tried to help her and be understanding when she went through things and it felt good to say her like we tell each other all the time "you get me" and I don't feel like I have to excuse myself to her...I can just say "this is how it is."

A Time to Concede, and a Time to Stand.

I made this comment earlier:

"OH, I would only like it if I was the ONLY one running around. I'm sure if everyone told me what they thought it wouldn't be 'the best day ever.' ;) I enjoy people who don't try to change themselves around. It's like religion. I may not mind going to Rated R movies but I respect Roxie for her beliefs in not going. If she won't ask me to change, I won't ask her to change and we can like each other just fine. That's just an example but how I feel about pretty much everything. SOMETIMES your just NOT meant to be friends. You know sometimes you have to have SOMETHING in common to be friends....things are best when you don't force them. I do think you can learn things and broaden your horizons but fundamentally you shouldn't become someone else to make people like you. Its usually gonna end in disaster anyways."

I wanted to expound on the topic. It's not to say that I would not concede if Roxie wanted to go to the movies and I wanted to see a rated R movie. I might concede to see the second on my "wanna see" list that is NOT rated R. Obviously her friendship means more to me than a movie BUT (and poor Roxie, I'm only using her as an example) if she were to say, "I can't be your friend if your not Mormon" then that would would not be a concession I would or should make. There are such large concessions that you could make that would fundamentally change or effect who you ARE at the roots that they should not be tampered with and then there are the concessions we make because we like our friends and we want to be agreeable. Like in a marriage, there has to be some give and take but not concessions in your personality that change your fundamental makeup. And SOMETIMES you can make so many small concessions that you'll realize that you've prostatuted yourself in one small piece at a time and lost your beliefs, lost yourself. "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. You've got to be your own man, not a puppet on a string. Never compromise what's right..." Aaron Tippin.

So I can be agreeable and agree to disagree up to a point and then there is a point where I would have to fundamentally change myself and my beliefs to continue to be your friend and that, would be the breaking point. Sometimes if people are having to make TOO many compromises or concessions to be friends then it might be best if they just part ways. There is only so many times I could "bite my tongue" before it would be bitten off...or grievously injured at least.

I want to be a good friend. I can be a good friend. I have friends to prove it. I think bite your tongue a few times and remain friends to mostly enjoy each others company but bite your tongue til your in danger of serious injury..well, you probably don't have a lot in common.
I would not ask this person to change SO many things about themselves to please me. What kind of friend would that be? Better to part ways and let them continue on in their beliefs unmolested than ask them to change for me because alas, I would NOT change for them.

Walls Don't Make For Close Friends

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh." Tom Bodett

I found this quote when I was looking for one about the person in the room laughing the hardest is the one crying inside....I don't know it exactly...couldn't find it. But this one sorta gets my meaning across.

I'd like to mention my disclaimer before I start. The many faces of me and all that jazz...

People think cuz I storm through life trying to get laughs or being the loudest, dressing the loudest, looking like I'm having the most fun doesn't mean I don't deal like everyone else. I just camoflouge better than the next gal. I do lead a blessed life but I have my own burdens to bear...so just know when I make it look easy and I work harder to push you away might be when I need people the most. I'm self-destructive like that. :/

I really think that motivating myself has something to do with my life. I spend A LOT of time telling myself I'm Superwoman and I'm resilient and I don't need ANYONE and I'm gonna be ok NO MATTER what, that I move through life believing it and never letting my guard down to see otherwise. I'm SO independent that sometimes I push potential friends away without meaning too. I have to look like I don't need anybody so much that people start to believe me...

I told one of my friends recently that she seemed "approachable yet untouchable" and maybe I was talking about myself a little. I'm so friendly but so many times when it comes to real intimacy I shy away, push away. But I guess that's cuz I've spent so much of my life taking care of myself and those around me...I've had to trim the fat, lose those people that I couldn't carry cuz I can only carry so much. I had to worry about what I could change and forget about what I couldn't . Life has hardened me. I had to build a wall to protect myself and unfortunately it usual succeeds in alienating me from people more than I intend.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. *chanting my mantra* I'm just trying to delve into my own psyche. Explain something to you and work it out for myself I guess. I AM happy...I just regret that lack of intimate friends sometimes. Though I will say that the playgroup I belong to has a great group of women that I love getting to know more and more. :)

Ok, I Hate to Admit it But maybe I'm NOT Superwoman

This Superwoman routine is getting old...another busy day planned around here. 2 Halloween parties, playgroup party AND Girl Scouts. I feel like I'm on a juggling act lately and I'm working extra hard to keep all these balls in the air but somethings gotta give and soon. I'm stressed and I rarely stress. I usually think of myself us a duck letting water roll off me when things happen...well, nothings happened other than I feel tension, stress and it's not good for me. I don't work well under these conditions. I'm best when I'm cool, calm, collected and rolling with the punches. (Hhmmm, wonder how many more idioms I can fit in this blog? ;)

Anyways, I just wanted to unburden myself to you blog. I need to lay a few balls down and get focused...rather than dropping some by accident I would like it to be a decision. I will wait til after Halloween though. Maybe the holiday is why I feel so stressed. But after Halloween there will be Thanksgiving to worry about....gee, another worry. Sigh...

Spend more time picking your baby daddy or live to regret it.

So on a Fb gripe again...so you can stop reading if you want but here goes....

There's this chick...I don't know her but apparently she got pregnant and had a baby with a man she was never married to and no longer is with.

Her status update: AND THE DADDY OF YEAR AWARD GOES TO: (STEVE LEWIS JR!) me:" Hey Steve can you run 2 wal-mart & the baby some milk, he's out" steve: "Hey do you know its my birthday?" Me: "Hey the baby is out of milk, can you please go & get some?" steve: "It's my birthday & I'm about 2 go out of town." WOW!! Where do they do that @? What kinda DAD is that? NOOOO WHAT WAS I THINKING! I didnt make a good choice but-SEE YOU IN COURT!

You know she did this...she made this bad choice. She made this bed and dammit the least she could do is lie in it and shut the fuck up about it.

In her comments she says: Yea you right! And thanks, he is my angel!! Its a shame that I take care of him by myself (me, my fam, and friends) He only has my family and thats enough,but Im just saying....GROW UP and step up to the plate. And if you can give Jasper County all your durn money cause you in and out of jail EVERY WEEK why cant you give your baby some or just go buy for him. We would appreciate it!

Obviously her "angel" is her baby. SO I'm assuming this man didn't suddenly start spending a shit load of time in jail...unless he's had some weird personality flip he's always been this way and if nothing else (I'm assuming they at least had a relationship though) she CHOSE to have unprotected sex with an a-hole and have his baby.

This is her fault. I will not give a shit that she made bad choices. I will not feel sorry for her. Who needs to grow up? Who is airing their grievances on Fb? That's childish. She's just trying to start stuff since I'm sure there is some drama there. And this is the same chick who's always "preaching" in her status every Sunday. Sounds like she needs to turn to her own soul, her own problems...worry about yourself before you throw stones at others.

She is one of the main reasons I hate "organized" religion. FULL of hypocrites..preaching to you one minute and sinning the next. They always think the message is to someone else...too busy pointing the finger and not enough time looking in the mirror and pointing the finger there. I have a whole bunch of "friends" on Fb who do that. I hate hypocrites. I'd rather you say you hate God and actually live by that than say you are this or do that and I see totally different. I am not the final judge. I won't be sitting in judgment of anyone on Judgment Day and I say "Live and let live" mostly but I can't respect someone who I witness not being or doing what they say they believe. If you believe in something strongly enough to proclaim it then you should TRY (and I'm not talking half-ass trying) to show it, live it, be it.

Anyways, back to this chick. Maybe she should have spent more time with her legs closed finding out if this man was a potential father or husband like I did...or well at least I used contraception until I was married to a man I believed to be a great potential husband and father. And he's been a great both.