Go ahead and say something NICE, I dare ya!

Sometimes we hold our good words or our compliments to ourselves like they are gold or like if we spend them then we are giving something of ourselves instead of just making someone else feel better.
Words have so much power and they are so easy to drop about when we're angry or not feeling well...well, they need to be that easy to come when we having something nice to say too.
We need to quit being so stingy with them and get them out there...they are not costing you anything and could be invaluable to someone else. I mean it's the one gift you can give that will ALWAYS make someone feel good and money doesn't have to leave your pocket...so go ahead, go out there and say something NICE to someone today.

Or sometimes we find it so easy to compliment a stranger or a friend yet we begrudge the ppl closest to us...our family, our kids, our spouse. Maybe because we're embarrassed or it makes us feel vulnerable...BUT we need to get over that. Go ahead and give a little piece of yourself to those you love the most. Tell 'em you love them EVERY DAY and not just on a special occasion. Tell 'em their special, tell 'em why, tell 'em you can't live without 'em, tell 'em they are beautiful, neat, special, HOT, sexy, kind, perfect, angelic, funny...There are a billion things you could tell someone to make their day. Let's lift ppl up and spend less time tearing them down. I consider it one of the best rules to live by 'If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything AT ALL.' :D

ME..Well, I'm FAT and HAPPY! You?

People go around looking for happiness like it's gonna be found in a department store or a certain house or a job or that dress you been wanting ... happiness is not something found on the outside. It's something within yourself...it's a way of looking at the circumstances around you and finding the best in them...it's realizing all the things that are free that bring you happiness...parks, playgrounds, museums, friends, flowers, sunny skies, pretty days, your kids (not that they are free but you know what I mean)...That reminds me of something I read on one of my friends page ...something along the lines of 'if your better than me then congratulations.' WELL, you may call it conceited but I absolutely refuse to believe that anyone is BETTER than me. People are different than me but they are no better than me. Some ppl may have more money or better acting kids or a bigger house or a better attitude or nicer clothes or a bigger car (I could go on..) BUT NO ONE is better than me. I would never say that..I believe that I am all that I could be and ...while I'm on the subject I'm so SICK of apologizing for my cheerful attitude or acting like I've done something wrong because I'm so positive. You know if your unhappy with my happiness ...well, screw you. Get use to me because I'm not gonna change anytime soon. I spent the large majority of my life being unhappy. Unhappy because I was forced through my upbringing to be someone I wasn't..to dress like someone I wasn't. I was judged solely on things that I couldn't change...the way I had to dress or wear my hair. I spent the large part of my life trying to be the someone else that somebody wanted me to be...to be what other people needed AND only since I met, married my husband and struck out on my own have I found and realized that I LOVE me and I'm not gonna apologize for that. So I'm not being what anyone else needs me to be anymore..I'm being myself. I finally found out what I want, who I am and I'm not putting that away because someone doesn't like it. I genuinely like myself and if you don't like me then..I'm sorry. It took me this long to find myself and NO ONE IS GONNA MAKE ME PUT THAT AWAY AGAIN. Your not gonna make me hide my sunshine..hide the parts of me that make me unique. I lived in that tyranny one time and once you've found your way out..ain't nobody sticking you back in a corner.
We were at Moms Nite In one night and several girls were discussing the workout videos they were using and someone turned to me and ask which one I used and I said..I don't use one. I'm fat and HAPPY. It's like ppl look at me and think I'm wrong because I'm ok with my weight. Or because I don't hate myself or I'm not trying to be your idea of what's perfect. I'm ME...I'm happy with myself and I'm sorry if that bugs you. All I can say is get happy with me. Quit letting someone else tell you how you should look, or how your house should look or your kids or your hair...Don't let them tell you what car you should drive or how much makeup you should wear or what brand..all that matters is if your happy with yourself and then I promise..it sounds SO cliche but it's true..everything else will fall in place.

What have we gained, what have we lost?

If a whole village REALLY did raise a child, it would be so much easier.

I'm mostly accustomed to my modern comforts...electricity, plumbling, indoor toilets...but sometimes I feel that in the modernization we might have lost something. I hope we didn't lose ourselves. Before blogs, social networking, texting...ppl hand wrote a letter and when we research our ancesters today we look for pieces of paper that we can hold in our hand and smell and feel the weight of...what will our children look for? What will they find?

Childhood: Seize it!

Kylie has failed two hearing test at school and we have an appt. with an audiologist on Tuesday.

Sometimes I think I may be the meanest person in the world and other times I feel like a tiny bit of putty or a rubber ball being kicked around or like a leaf being blown by the wind...I feel delicate and soft and like I will break. I mostly feel this way when it comes to my children.

It started me thinking (the phone call from the nurse) about diseases and cancers that effect children....how very VERY awful is that. One of the most beautiful gifts we've ever been given and how must that feel as a parent. When something is WRONG with my child I want it to be something I can fix..something I can medicate, give her my lung, heck I'd give her my heart but what about those times when you cant DO anything. That's got to be the God awfulest feeling in the whole wide world. I can imagine at times like that is when I would hold solid to my belief in God because what else could you do...as I write this I say a prayer for all the children out there...for the lost, the lonely, the ones going to bed on an empty tummy or with a need of any kind...NO CHILD should have anything but the happiest childhood full of wonderful memories. Childhood (as I am fond of saying) is for laughter and light and fun and hugs and candy...childhood is fleeting and we must seize it and make the most of it..for them.

To War or Not to War

Oh gosh, it's been so long. We're all doing well here and that should dispense with the nicesties. <--ok, sometimes I make up my own words. The girls are getting big and they are beautiful as always. HEY, we might even have another one one of these days...

You know I may have posted about this before...I guess I should label my post better but I would just like to post on the fact that I am FREAKIN' Amazing Mom but I'm so much MORE than that. I'm a good wife, lover, friend, Mom, sister, daughter, grandaughter,...I am endless possibilities. You know I was recently reading a book and it spoke about how when a woman dies it is sadder than when a man does and when questioned why this man thought so he said something that I thought was meaningful and beautiful...When a woman dies, with her dies endless possibilities. Her man, a man, protects and provides for his family but she can always find another one of these but with her dies more than that. I don't know if he meant it as such but I also like to think that a woman is full of eggs and she alone can nurture with her body those eggs and the children that they will make...I mean from woman comes all HUMANITY. The man might provide the sperm but he cannot carry, bear or even care for those children like a woman can...like a real woman can. Because in pointing this out I must point out those that do not conform to this description..women who are crappy mothers because there are those out there too. NOT as many women fail at being great Moms as men fail at being great Fathers but I think they are notable because I find them the most disgusting and degrading of all. We, women, are made to nurture..do you know I was thinking the other day that's why women aren't made for war. I was watching "Hurt Locker" and it's about the war and it shows men...men doing things that I don't know, as women, if we COULD do because we're not meant to. We are made for nurturing and caring and I would like to point out that that does not mean we CAN'T fight but we will fight only when backed into a corner mostly, we will fight when protecting our homes or our children. We don't fight because we like it or we have blood lust ...we fight to save what we nurture. That's why I was thinking that if there were (God forbid!) war IN this country that directly threatened my home or children then I would be more willing, eager even, to pick up my 'sword and shield' so to speak and protect me and my own. And I also might add that women are usually ferocious fighters when backed into a corner. We're notable for our voracity and tenacity. You think having an arguement with a woman is difficult, you should see what will happen if you threaten her or most of all her children. We will die to protect them. We will kill to protect them ...and no one NO ONE should ever doubt this.

P.S. I would like to point out that when speaking of women in general I know that we are all not the same ...I was mostly speaking of myself and my feelings.

P.S. 2 In speaking of fighting I mean fighting like war, to the death...not the argument you have with your spouse or the neighbor next door. I meant picking up your gun or your knife with the intent to kill another human being..

It's been awhile since I blogged. Too busy living life to write about it. Life is taking up all my time. I've been going through something...not sure what it is but with 30 looming around the corner...I've been distracted, moody, up and down,...riding the roller coaster of life. I mean my marriage is in better shape than ever. My kids are happy. It's just something within myself. Something I've been trying to keep to myself. I'm not unhappy just feeling restless. I've been spending some time with the 'what ifs' of life and I'm finding that the life I have now is the best one I could have had. I've contacted and spoke to old acquaintances, boyfriends, friends, lovers...Just spending some time in the past which isn't like me. I'm usually one to always look to the future. I guess turning 30 has made me turn backwards. I've been considering a tattoo...spending time reliving the 'glory days' of old..I guess turning 30 is doing a number on me which I totally expected. Sometimes it seems this phase of my life (whatever it is) has passed and other times it feels like I'm dead center in the middle of it. Maybe I need a change..not a big one if a little one would do. I don't know anymore..I just don't know..

VENT

Oh my god, I have so got to VENT. I don't seem to have alot of places to vent these days. I can't do it on my myspace or my facebook because usually the ppl I'm venting about are ON THERE. So I'm gonna vent here...where to start..

I contacted my old bf from h.s. on facebook a month or two ago. I know, probably a bad idea but I figured I could totally handle it. Well, I did totally handle it..well, for the most part. In the first couple of emails I might have wrote stuff that I wouldn't have my hubby read (which is my way of deciding if what I'm writing is 'BAD' or not. I ask myself, "Would I let Foy read this?") but I soon calmed down and realized that it was just gonna be friendly stuff and it was nice to get back in touch. Well, I gave him my phone number a couple of weeks ago (probably another bad idea) and he never called so today I just dropped a line ..literally one line..to say,"you said I would hear from you and I haven't." I figured I'd get like..I don't know..he's been busy, he lost the number ..whatever and instead I get an email FROM HIS ACCOUNT from HIS AUNT saying that if I truly care about Roger that I will not try to talk to him. Talking about the past makes him sad and it's not good for him. Man, I'm gonna go paste it from my facebook. You gotta see this..


Ginger, This is Jennifer, Roger's aunt and you need to stop emailing him. You hurt him deeply and it is not a good idea for you to keep communicating with him. There are reasons I will not discuss with you, but he should not talk to you because it makes him sad to think about the past. Please, if you care for him at all, leave him alone.

Thanks, Jennifer

So I guess you should know some things before I go on explaining. I did hurt Roger badly. I mean, really badly, but before I go into my explanation I would like to say that I emailed his Grandmother (who acts as his mother) at the same time that I emailed him and apologized to her for what I had done to Roger and told her that I hoped he would talk to me. She said and I quote "that's ancient history". So I figured if she felt that away and then Roger responded in the nicest way to my emails that we were safe to talk and going to get over our past. I cheated on Roger. I know that seems...common but.. I usually don't tell this story cuz it makes me sound horrible and...slutty..which I was. lol. Hey, I'm trying to laugh about it. The story might tell a little too much about my vicious nature, which I can be, or it might just make me look bad. It is ancient history and it's some of the dirtiest parts of my ancient history.

The Story:

You have to understand how much Roger loved me. Oh, he had his problems. He dealt drugs, did more than he dealt and lived a pretty 'high' life in the lowest kind of way. He traveled and hung with assorted character, most of them bad. In saying this, understand that I am not a drug person. I have always been willing to confess to my vices and drugs aren't one of them. Oh, I've done a few here and there but not much and it's just not my thing. Roger knew this about me and actually liked it about me. He loved me. We were connected at the hip. We did everything together. We made love constantly, like rabbits, actually that's what I remember the most. Ha. I was unhappy for different reasons and we had both hurt each other in our relationship. Actually he'd done most of the hurting me. He cheated on me with this girl and broke up with me and then wanted me back. He took someone else to Junior prom cuz my parents forbade me to date him so we were dating in secret. BUT we were together and had tentative plans to live together, be married, have children..But somewhere along the way, those plans weren't for me. I met other guys, saw other guys and slept with other guys behind his back. It finally culminated in him catching this guy in my apartment..naked..hiding in the closet. (like I said, this story doesn't make me look good). His name was Jake and after he ran out of the apartment, naked ..leaving me with a furious Roger..it was so over. It wasn't even really on ..I was just screwing him for fun. Roger hit me. And the funny thing is, and you have to be in a situation like this to get it, I thought he was gonna rape me. This is a man who I had had sex with MANY times but if he had forced himself on me at that moment..it would have been rape. I was yelling for him to get out of the apartment and he hit me..several times. The only one that left a mark was when he back-handed me across the face and blacked me eye and broke blood vessels in it. He got between me and the door and blocked my path to get out. Then he moved away from the door to go to the kitchen and get a knife and I thought he was gonna kill me. I thought I was gonna die there. I ran outside, wrapped in a sheet and I was gonna call the cops. He walked out of the apartment with blood streaming down his wrists where he had slit them and I told him 'good, I hope you kill yourself'. This is the kind of violent ending we had to the longest relationship I've ever had besides me marriage. I tried to get him back after that. He treated me badly, saw other girls and made my life a living hell that I probably deserved...THEN I met my husband and things changed, just like that. I was over Roger and I was ready to move on. Or maybe not over Roger but ready to forget that chapter of my life. Roger showed up at my doorstep after I told him that I loved Foy and begged me to marry him and leave town ..right then. I told him no, and that's the last time I saw him. Is that any way to leave a relationship, a friendship? We had/have a past and I want to talk to him. I want to put old things to rest and be his friend cuz I know he could use one. He was always a lost little puppy. We shared things with each other. Stuff that we probably never shared with anyone else, not to mention 5 years of our life together. If he doesn't want to speak to me, then I understand but his overbearing Aunt shouldn't speak for him....

This is what I wrote back to the email above:

Jennifer,I requested to be Roger's friend and assumed when he accepted my request that he was not adverse to the idea of speaking to me. He wrote me back several emails which seemed to confirm this AND I spoke with Ginger and she said (and I quote) that our past was "ancient history". I am confused as to why I would write Roger and get an email from his Aunt when he assured me that these emails were private. I have to assume that he doesn't know your checking his email and that if HE doesn't want to hear from me..I will hear as much from him. You may control Roger as much as you like but don't tell me what I NEED to do and for that matter what I don't need to do.

I know more than anyone ..because I was there, how much I hurt him and for that matter I know what went on in our relationship since obviously I was there and you weren't. Sometimes maybe talking through the past and healing might be the only way to recover. I think we should let Rog put on his big boy pants and make those decisions for himself.

I will not ask your reasons for writing this email and I don't care. The only person I care about and care what his reasons are is Rog. Maybe if he's thinking about the past in a sad way then he needs some help remembering the good things from someone who WAS there for some good times. I do care about him that's why I requested his friendship and wrote him emails. I'm not trying to sabotage his future, make him have any relapses or anything of that kind...I honestly wondered if this was the best thing for me and after speaking to Roger I realized it was. If it's not the best thing for him, I need to hear that from him, Jennifer.

I apologize if this email sounds a bit angry...because I am. When I wrote the previous email I was writing to one person and got a reply from another and that seems a gross lack of privacy for Roger not to mention myself.

THANKS, Ginger

I guess I should also explain because of the devastating effects that our relationship ending had on Roger, he was seeing a psychiatrist and married a girl who he got pregnant soon after because he was on the rebound. She (if possible) did more drugs than him and they divorced with him getting custody of their daughter. Talking to his Grandmother (who never really knew what was going on with Rog anyways) he's doing fine and going to church. From the emails it seems he might have straightened up but you never know. MOST ppl didn't know what Roger's life was like most of the time but me. Other ppl were in and out of his life so much or he hid so much that others never really knew him. I probably knew him better than anyone else...and for that reason, I want to be his friend. He needs one with his Aunt and his Grandmother constantly trying to run his life and tell him what to do.

Oh, and I should explain that is Grandmother's name is GINGER. lol. We have the same name.

So ..I've vented and I feel much better. I think. Judge me as you will. But remember that he without sin should cast the first stone.