She's Engaged, Death and the Weight of Parenthood

Sometimes your kids hit you with so much heavy shit in one day you feel like screaming "Give me a break. Could we deal with one major life occurence at a time instead of all in one day?".

Today Kylie announced that she always wanted to live with me and her Dad because she loved us and never wanted to be away from me. While I was possibly considering the option that we would have a child live with us FOREVER..lol, I went ahead and agreed that she should never move out. Lord knows she'll change her mind about this soon enough and I can think of alot worse things than Kylie being my little girl and living with me forever. Well, then she said she had decided who she was going to marry. I realized that that is why she brought up living with me forever and I was glad I told her she could. Well, this boy is in the frog class in her preschool. I told her she had lots of time to consider lots of other boys and she insisted she wasn't going to change her mind. I asked her why she wanted to marry this boy and she said because he protects her when ppl pretend to be dragons and because he's nice to her. Well, at least she didn't say because he's cute. I can think of alot worse reasons to marry a boy than because he protects you and he's nice....

Later, she suddenly asked if Baby Sophie (the baby I'm pregnant with) was going to die the same time as her. Wow, she's always hitting me with the hard stuff. I said no, probably not. That it was going to be a LONG time before she died, a LONG time before Lexie died and a LONG time before Sophie died and they might not die at the same time but it wasn't something she needed to worry about because it was a LONG LONG time away. We've talked about death before. I wanted her to be ready in case someone close to her in our family or her school or one of our friends died. My in-laws are fairly old and my grandmother, her great-grandmother, is 87 so I wanted her to understand death ..well, as much as a 4-year old can but sometimes I worry that she worries too much about it.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes. You have to know exactly the right moment to talk about these heavy issues. You want to protect them. You want to make sure they never experience death of a loved one but you can't, you can't always protect them no matter how much you try so you try to prepare them for those times when you can't protect them but I worry. Am I saying the right things? Am I explaining stuff in the right way? I don't want to burden her with issues before she's ready but I don't want to wait until it's too late and leave her open and unprepared. The weight of parenthood...

I'M HUMAN

My mom likes to tell this story about when I was younger..maybe 3 or 4. There was this little boy who would come visit with his mom and he would tease me. Mom says he would pull my pigtails and block the tv, among other things. She said she finally told me one time before they visited that if I didn't stand up for myself and retaliate I was going to be in trouble with her. She said sure enough the boy came over and he pulled my pigtail first thing and so she said unlike any child she knew instead of retaliating in a childish way I turned and spatted him on the leg as if I was his mother and I was punishing him for bad behavior. The boys mother started to say something to me and my mother intervened and said she told me to do it and that from now on I was going to retaliate when he teased me and she said I went to my room and cried. I don't think I remember this incident. Sometimes I think I do but then I think I'm probably just remembering the story because she's told it to me before. But I do know why I cried. It's my personality. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate to hurt people. I've always been that way and I may always be that way. Now, when ppl come into my life that cause drama or conflict I resolve it this way--I cut them out of my life. I have more tolerance for those I love. I will endure a fight with them or drama because they are my family but if it's a friend--especially a new friend--then I have only one remedy that always works--I IGNORE. Until you've been ignored by me, you haven't known the true feeling of being ignored. I simply cut you out of my life. No more calls, text, meetings, playdates or contact of any kind. I would never be rude directly to your face or even to other ppl about you but I never will contact you or directly engage you in anyway. I have no patience for explanations or feelings on your part. I'm done. I may never even tell you why. I know this can be heartless of me and maybe even cowardly but it's the way I do things and I've found it works best but having said this, I don't have alot of friends and especially any close ones so maybe this approach isn't working but I'm not changing it anytime soon. It might even be unhealthy. I might be supressing anger or hurt. Maybe I think by denying it--that it isn't there. I'm not sure. I'll save the psycho-analysis for the experts and just stick with the facts. This is how I handle conflict or unpleasant situations and I will continue to do it this way...

Having said this, I do not like to tease or hurt ppl. I've endured too much of both so I know what it feels like and I would never intentionally hurt someone unless I was defending myself. I use to almost physically be incapable of hurting someone either emotionally or physically but in my old age, I developed a hard skin and for ppl who want to impose theirselves on me and mine or make my life difficult if the only way to get rid of ppl like that is to be plain and hurt them then I will. I have a soft heart and because of that I've learned to protect it with a steel plate.

I have many faults. I think maybe I'm too self-absorbed. I'm brutal when it comes to making sure me and my family get what we need. I'm probably too image-oriented. I worry about "keeping up with the Jones'" like the song says. I can be snobby but that's mostly just to hide my insecurities. People think I'm being standoffish but I'm just really protecting my soft heart.

There are lots of good things about me as well. I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and I'll help you out in a heartbeat. I love kids of all ages. I give good sound advice and I won't judge you on your past mistakes. Luckily, I've made so many mistakes that it makes me capable of forgiving anyone their past. I'm honest to a T. I don't lie even to make you feel better, so some ppl like this about me and some don't. Most ppl don't want brutal honesty even if they say they do. I'm a safe haven in a storm when your ready for good, sound advice. I have a level head and hardly make a move without thinking it through before-hand. I have a spontaneous side. I love to have fun, dance and sing. I'm not too harsh with my children cuz childhoods were made for laughter and good clean fun. I'm slow to anger. I don't share my drama, which can be seen as good or bad. It's part of the part where ppl think I'm standoffish but it's because I guess you'd rather not see me air my dirty laundry but if you asked me a direct question, I would air what I thought was relevant. I have done things in my past that I am ashamed of but I am not ashamed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is : I'M HUMAN.

To My Girls:

Most people when they have children start worrying about their children. What if something happens? What if they lose them? What if they get sick? I mean, I worry like any other parent but for some reason ever since I had my first daughter I've had this ...well, I guess all I can call it is a premonition...that I wasn't going to live long enough for my girls to remember me. I've considered this at length. I've tried to decide if that makes me a selfish person, busy considering her own death instead of contemplating the death of others. All I can think about when I think about dying while my children are young is 'will they remember me?', 'what will they remember?','what will my family tell them about me?','what will Foy tell them about me?','will another woman be a mother to my children?','will she love them like I would?','I want them to have another mother, don't I? Even if it can't be me.'

I've always wanted to start a diary to tell them all the things that they may not remember about me. All the things they may not know about themselves as children. Well, since a blog is like a diary, I've considered starting a seperate blog with letters addressed to my children about our days together. About all the things I want to say to them NOW and things I want to say to them when they are grown. Here is the first letter:

Dear Kylie and Lexie,

Today you watched a movie and played with your ponies, your polly pockets and your Barbie Dolls. Today we had cinnamon toast for breakfast (which is one of your favs cuz Mom piles on the sugar) and for lunch we had sandwiches. Kylie, you love peanut butter and jelly, something you got from your Dad cuz I hate jelly. Lexie is like Mom. She prefers meat and cheese with mustard of course. Kylie, when you wake up in the morning, you love to get into bed with me and cuddle. You like a cuddle anytime. You say the sweetest things without any provacation. You are never mean and you have a heart of gold. Lexie, you like to hide your soft center behind a hard exterior, much the way I have always been. You want to be loved and cuddle but you make me work for it. When you get to the soft center, you melt like chocolate and make my heart break. I hope you learn, like I did, to let your softness show to those you love and those that love you. You never know when you may see them for the last time. One of my life lessons that I had to learn the hard way is how brief life is and how quickly it can be cut short. I'm going to keep chippin' away at you. I want to make sure you both know at every turn that one thing will never change. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. My love is unconditional and will endure anything. I will be angry with you sometimes and at the very most you may disappoint me. But I will love you, support you, help you and be there for you every step of the way. Lord knows, I have made lots of mistakes and done lots of stupid things and how hypocritical would I be, to condemn you for the mistakes that you will make. We all make mistakes--just learn from them. And if you could learn from OTHER peoples mistakes, well if we all could, how great would that be.

I love to watch ya'll play pretend.
I love to hear your little voices.
I love Lexie's happy dance. (It looks kinda like the chicken dance and the twist.lol)
I love your kisses and your hugs.
I love the way you love bedtime stories.
I love the way you always look out for one another and when push comes to shove, you stick up for one another.
I love the way you act like I've been gone for years when I just ran to the store.
I love seeing your faces light up.
I love all your faces (your sad ones, your happy ones, your surprised ones).
I love the way you never meet a stranger and believe in the good in everyone.
I love how independent you are.
I love being needed by you.
I love the way you love music (like I do)
I love to hear you sing.

I try to tell you these things every day. I try to tell you how lucky I feel to be your Mom. To have been blessed with you, with this time I've had with you. I try to tell you how wonderful you are, how special ..everyday. I don't want to hold these things into myself or keep them a secret, like you shouldn't know. My love is no secret. I'm not ashamed by it. I feel no need to hide how smart and sweet I think you are. I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want you to know how special you are so you will never devalue yourselves. I know that I can't SPOIL my children by telling them I love them and how wonderful they are. I can't spoil them by loving them too much. There's no such thing.

I love you girls.

Mommy

Lucky Me!

I don't often post about my day to day life but if Christmas isn't the time for that, then I don't know when is.

Well, the baby is doing good. It's a girl. My ultrasound at the doc yesterday showed she's healthy. The placenta's in a good place and so is the umbilical cord. She's on target with her development and my due date is about right on. It's May 5th by the way. I am doing ok also. A few more aches, pains and complaints with this pregnancy than the last two but they says that's normal. I'm getting old. Speaking of getting old my birthday is in a couple of weeks, Jan. 7. I'll be 29....and holding in case you want to know so this will be the last birthday I'll be celebrating...j/j. I'm actually more ok with this one than the last and that's weird but I think I've gotten use to the fact that the big 3-0 is coming my way..and that's ok.

Christmas is in a few days and it's my FAVORITE time of the year. So much holiday cheer and love in the air. I got the kids Christmas out of the way early and all the kinfolks a couple of weekends ago so no holiday bustling for last minute shopping for me. I might pick up a couple of odds and ends this weekend after we get paid on Friday but that's about it. I'm done. I think we might celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve because my husband is off. The kids are young enough they won't realize Santa visited them a night earlier than everyone else. I'm afraid Foy might have to go to work on Christmas and it's very important that he be there. After all, his hard work is what bought these presents for the kids and he wants to share in the joy of giving also.

At holiday times is when I reflect on how incredibly fortunate I am. I have two healthy children and one on the way. I have a hardworking loving trustworthy husband to share my life with. I have a home, a car, and plenty of food on my table. My mother is alive and full of life and joy. I have two brothers and a sister all healthy and happy. I have a new brother-in-law this year and the best part, a new nephew. My Grandmother is well and at 87 that is something to be thankful for. My family is doing well despite the economy and who cares about money anyways, we're all healthy and that's something money can't always buy. I have them and they have me and we're just damned lucky. I have everything I could ever want for the holidays and you can't give a gift that's better than what I already have.

Tag!

~Tag~
5 things I was doing 10 years ago.....
1. Staying at my Grandmas for Christmas Vaca from college cuz my Mom wasn't speaking to me.
2. Working at Temple Inland for Christmas Vaca ..in the office
3. Dating Roger. My old boyfriend.
4. Going to SFASU...well, on Vaca from SFA.
5. Trying to keep my head above water and my feet on the ground.

5 things on my To-Do list today....
1. get Christmas tree and finish decorating for Christmas
2. Take Kylie to preschool at 1 and pick her up at 330
3. Go to the grocery store
4. Go to mall and buy tobaggon and gloves for kids...it's snowing!
5. Keep my head above water and my feet on the ground....always!

5 snacks I enjoy....
1. Keebler Mint Cookies
2. Cool Ranch Doritos
3. Oreo pudding
4. Chips and ranch dip
5. ANYTHING CHOCOLATE!

5 things I'd do if I were a Millionaire....
1. Build a house in Texas.
2. Buy my hubby that dream vehicle he always wanted..it changes so who knows!
3. Pay off my bills, including my car.
4. Put away for the kids college education
5. Invest WISELY what is left, with some in savings.


5 places I've lived....
1. Rosevine, Texas until I was 16. Isn't that a lovely name?
2. Bronson, Texas until I was 18.
3. Nacogdoches, Texas to go to college (until I flunked out) for 1 year
4. Lufkin, Texas to work at Red Lobster and go to community college. (around 3 years)
5. Huntington, Texas where we owned our first house after marriage. (around 3 years)
6. Rock Springs, Wyoming where Foy worked and I got to quit my job. (a year and half)
7. Bossier City, Louisiana for almost a year because I wanted to move back south.
8. Rock Springs, Wyoming where we are now cuz my hubby likes it and the money is good. ( a little over a year.)

5 jobs I've had....
1. Dorothy's Diner, cook, 18
2. Temple Inland, receptionist/data clerk, when I was taking time off from college,18-19
3. Casa Ole, server,19
4. Red Lobster, server/trainer/manager, before I quit. 19-25
5. Mommy and pregnant-the best job YET! 24-NOW!


5 people I tag....
1. Nancy
2. Amber
3. Aimee
4. Kim
5. Erica

Rules:
Each player answers the question themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person that tagged you know when you’ve answered the questions on your blog.

Blissed Out!

For those of you that don't know, Myspace has a place where you can update your current status and mood. I find my cursor pausing on "calm" more than anything. I think this says something significant about me. I'm usually calm. I tend not to worry or get overly excited. I'm very chilled out with my kids, friends, my hubs, and family. I tend not to let things freak me out or make me crazy. I just cruise along. You'd probably think I was on some kind of mood altering drug sometimes if you knew me well or you might just think that I happen to be one of the most blissed out people you know and the latter would be correct. Simple things make me happy. A good healthy dinner that I made for my whole family that tasted very good, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, a hug from my kids, a backrub from my hubby, a comment on my myspace, a day trip for lunch to SLC...it's the simple things in life that make me happy. I don't need the big things because I find bliss in the small ones and THAT is where it's AT!

Don't believe everything you see/read! They LIE!

You know what I'm tired of...people letting their fav tv stars, the media, the internet or anyone/anything else tell them what to buy, how to look or who to vote for. I mean look how many psycho tv stars and rock stars are out there. I mean it's ok to let these people entertain you but to let them sway your vote..well, you'd be an idiot to let them sway your vote. Get your own opinions people and remember everyone has an agenda so make sure your getting ALL of the correct information before you make a decision. The media is suppose to be so unbiased and I felt like all I was getting through the whole election campaign was some tv anchor or tv stations water-downed ideas of who I was suppose to vote for.

And while we're on the subject (well, I am), I hate when I click on myspace home page and there is some ad that's suppose to tell Heidi Klum's BIG secret to staying thin. I mean, wtf. I know the big secret. She's genetically predisposed to goddess like proportions and she has a whole team of stylist, hairdressers and fitness experts to make sure she keeps in shape. Not to mention how she probably starves herself and never quits dieting because after all her entire lifestyle depends on how good she looks. I mean if we all had this kind of support system we'd all be thin too. Or maybe all we need is to have just the right magazine editor to do all the right air brushing. I mean, PULEASE! Spare me these articles and put something that I'm genuinely interested in or that's TRUE at least.