To My Girls:

Most people when they have children start worrying about their children. What if something happens? What if they lose them? What if they get sick? I mean, I worry like any other parent but for some reason ever since I had my first daughter I've had this ...well, I guess all I can call it is a premonition...that I wasn't going to live long enough for my girls to remember me. I've considered this at length. I've tried to decide if that makes me a selfish person, busy considering her own death instead of contemplating the death of others. All I can think about when I think about dying while my children are young is 'will they remember me?', 'what will they remember?','what will my family tell them about me?','what will Foy tell them about me?','will another woman be a mother to my children?','will she love them like I would?','I want them to have another mother, don't I? Even if it can't be me.'

I've always wanted to start a diary to tell them all the things that they may not remember about me. All the things they may not know about themselves as children. Well, since a blog is like a diary, I've considered starting a seperate blog with letters addressed to my children about our days together. About all the things I want to say to them NOW and things I want to say to them when they are grown. Here is the first letter:

Dear Kylie and Lexie,

Today you watched a movie and played with your ponies, your polly pockets and your Barbie Dolls. Today we had cinnamon toast for breakfast (which is one of your favs cuz Mom piles on the sugar) and for lunch we had sandwiches. Kylie, you love peanut butter and jelly, something you got from your Dad cuz I hate jelly. Lexie is like Mom. She prefers meat and cheese with mustard of course. Kylie, when you wake up in the morning, you love to get into bed with me and cuddle. You like a cuddle anytime. You say the sweetest things without any provacation. You are never mean and you have a heart of gold. Lexie, you like to hide your soft center behind a hard exterior, much the way I have always been. You want to be loved and cuddle but you make me work for it. When you get to the soft center, you melt like chocolate and make my heart break. I hope you learn, like I did, to let your softness show to those you love and those that love you. You never know when you may see them for the last time. One of my life lessons that I had to learn the hard way is how brief life is and how quickly it can be cut short. I'm going to keep chippin' away at you. I want to make sure you both know at every turn that one thing will never change. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. My love is unconditional and will endure anything. I will be angry with you sometimes and at the very most you may disappoint me. But I will love you, support you, help you and be there for you every step of the way. Lord knows, I have made lots of mistakes and done lots of stupid things and how hypocritical would I be, to condemn you for the mistakes that you will make. We all make mistakes--just learn from them. And if you could learn from OTHER peoples mistakes, well if we all could, how great would that be.

I love to watch ya'll play pretend.
I love to hear your little voices.
I love Lexie's happy dance. (It looks kinda like the chicken dance and the twist.lol)
I love your kisses and your hugs.
I love the way you love bedtime stories.
I love the way you always look out for one another and when push comes to shove, you stick up for one another.
I love the way you act like I've been gone for years when I just ran to the store.
I love seeing your faces light up.
I love all your faces (your sad ones, your happy ones, your surprised ones).
I love the way you never meet a stranger and believe in the good in everyone.
I love how independent you are.
I love being needed by you.
I love the way you love music (like I do)
I love to hear you sing.

I try to tell you these things every day. I try to tell you how lucky I feel to be your Mom. To have been blessed with you, with this time I've had with you. I try to tell you how wonderful you are, how special ..everyday. I don't want to hold these things into myself or keep them a secret, like you shouldn't know. My love is no secret. I'm not ashamed by it. I feel no need to hide how smart and sweet I think you are. I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want you to know how special you are so you will never devalue yourselves. I know that I can't SPOIL my children by telling them I love them and how wonderful they are. I can't spoil them by loving them too much. There's no such thing.

I love you girls.

Mommy

Lucky Me!

I don't often post about my day to day life but if Christmas isn't the time for that, then I don't know when is.

Well, the baby is doing good. It's a girl. My ultrasound at the doc yesterday showed she's healthy. The placenta's in a good place and so is the umbilical cord. She's on target with her development and my due date is about right on. It's May 5th by the way. I am doing ok also. A few more aches, pains and complaints with this pregnancy than the last two but they says that's normal. I'm getting old. Speaking of getting old my birthday is in a couple of weeks, Jan. 7. I'll be 29....and holding in case you want to know so this will be the last birthday I'll be celebrating...j/j. I'm actually more ok with this one than the last and that's weird but I think I've gotten use to the fact that the big 3-0 is coming my way..and that's ok.

Christmas is in a few days and it's my FAVORITE time of the year. So much holiday cheer and love in the air. I got the kids Christmas out of the way early and all the kinfolks a couple of weekends ago so no holiday bustling for last minute shopping for me. I might pick up a couple of odds and ends this weekend after we get paid on Friday but that's about it. I'm done. I think we might celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve because my husband is off. The kids are young enough they won't realize Santa visited them a night earlier than everyone else. I'm afraid Foy might have to go to work on Christmas and it's very important that he be there. After all, his hard work is what bought these presents for the kids and he wants to share in the joy of giving also.

At holiday times is when I reflect on how incredibly fortunate I am. I have two healthy children and one on the way. I have a hardworking loving trustworthy husband to share my life with. I have a home, a car, and plenty of food on my table. My mother is alive and full of life and joy. I have two brothers and a sister all healthy and happy. I have a new brother-in-law this year and the best part, a new nephew. My Grandmother is well and at 87 that is something to be thankful for. My family is doing well despite the economy and who cares about money anyways, we're all healthy and that's something money can't always buy. I have them and they have me and we're just damned lucky. I have everything I could ever want for the holidays and you can't give a gift that's better than what I already have.

Tag!

~Tag~
5 things I was doing 10 years ago.....
1. Staying at my Grandmas for Christmas Vaca from college cuz my Mom wasn't speaking to me.
2. Working at Temple Inland for Christmas Vaca ..in the office
3. Dating Roger. My old boyfriend.
4. Going to SFASU...well, on Vaca from SFA.
5. Trying to keep my head above water and my feet on the ground.

5 things on my To-Do list today....
1. get Christmas tree and finish decorating for Christmas
2. Take Kylie to preschool at 1 and pick her up at 330
3. Go to the grocery store
4. Go to mall and buy tobaggon and gloves for kids...it's snowing!
5. Keep my head above water and my feet on the ground....always!

5 snacks I enjoy....
1. Keebler Mint Cookies
2. Cool Ranch Doritos
3. Oreo pudding
4. Chips and ranch dip
5. ANYTHING CHOCOLATE!

5 things I'd do if I were a Millionaire....
1. Build a house in Texas.
2. Buy my hubby that dream vehicle he always wanted..it changes so who knows!
3. Pay off my bills, including my car.
4. Put away for the kids college education
5. Invest WISELY what is left, with some in savings.


5 places I've lived....
1. Rosevine, Texas until I was 16. Isn't that a lovely name?
2. Bronson, Texas until I was 18.
3. Nacogdoches, Texas to go to college (until I flunked out) for 1 year
4. Lufkin, Texas to work at Red Lobster and go to community college. (around 3 years)
5. Huntington, Texas where we owned our first house after marriage. (around 3 years)
6. Rock Springs, Wyoming where Foy worked and I got to quit my job. (a year and half)
7. Bossier City, Louisiana for almost a year because I wanted to move back south.
8. Rock Springs, Wyoming where we are now cuz my hubby likes it and the money is good. ( a little over a year.)

5 jobs I've had....
1. Dorothy's Diner, cook, 18
2. Temple Inland, receptionist/data clerk, when I was taking time off from college,18-19
3. Casa Ole, server,19
4. Red Lobster, server/trainer/manager, before I quit. 19-25
5. Mommy and pregnant-the best job YET! 24-NOW!


5 people I tag....
1. Nancy
2. Amber
3. Aimee
4. Kim
5. Erica

Rules:
Each player answers the question themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person that tagged you know when you’ve answered the questions on your blog.

Blissed Out!

For those of you that don't know, Myspace has a place where you can update your current status and mood. I find my cursor pausing on "calm" more than anything. I think this says something significant about me. I'm usually calm. I tend not to worry or get overly excited. I'm very chilled out with my kids, friends, my hubs, and family. I tend not to let things freak me out or make me crazy. I just cruise along. You'd probably think I was on some kind of mood altering drug sometimes if you knew me well or you might just think that I happen to be one of the most blissed out people you know and the latter would be correct. Simple things make me happy. A good healthy dinner that I made for my whole family that tasted very good, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, a hug from my kids, a backrub from my hubby, a comment on my myspace, a day trip for lunch to SLC...it's the simple things in life that make me happy. I don't need the big things because I find bliss in the small ones and THAT is where it's AT!

Don't believe everything you see/read! They LIE!

You know what I'm tired of...people letting their fav tv stars, the media, the internet or anyone/anything else tell them what to buy, how to look or who to vote for. I mean look how many psycho tv stars and rock stars are out there. I mean it's ok to let these people entertain you but to let them sway your vote..well, you'd be an idiot to let them sway your vote. Get your own opinions people and remember everyone has an agenda so make sure your getting ALL of the correct information before you make a decision. The media is suppose to be so unbiased and I felt like all I was getting through the whole election campaign was some tv anchor or tv stations water-downed ideas of who I was suppose to vote for.

And while we're on the subject (well, I am), I hate when I click on myspace home page and there is some ad that's suppose to tell Heidi Klum's BIG secret to staying thin. I mean, wtf. I know the big secret. She's genetically predisposed to goddess like proportions and she has a whole team of stylist, hairdressers and fitness experts to make sure she keeps in shape. Not to mention how she probably starves herself and never quits dieting because after all her entire lifestyle depends on how good she looks. I mean if we all had this kind of support system we'd all be thin too. Or maybe all we need is to have just the right magazine editor to do all the right air brushing. I mean, PULEASE! Spare me these articles and put something that I'm genuinely interested in or that's TRUE at least.

What looks like CRAZY on an ordinary day....

Well, I just finished reading another book. I think it's called "The story of Edgar Sawtelle." It's the latest on Oprah's Book Club list. I will not be adding it to my "must read" list even though it was a very good book...up until the end. I hate sad, bad endings. I guess no matter how much I like to think of myself as a realistic person that knows that sometimes life doesn't always have a happy ending I really need happy endings in my books. Maybe BECAUSE life is so unpredictable and senseless I need that upbeat ending so I have hope. Hope is important. Without hope, pessimism would overtake me and I'm afraid I would be even harder to live with.

I also read another book which I will not be adding to my "must reads" even though I liked it a lot better. There were a couple of lines in it that rang true to me and made me pause. When a line in a book can make me pause I like to make note of it.

"Joyce is that kind of a gal. Inertia is death. Forward motion is everything." What Looks Like Crazy on an ordinary day...By Pearl Cleage.

I like to think that describes me as well. I'm always looking for the way to move forward.

I also liked this line from the same book.
"And we danced too wild, and we sang too long, and we hugged too hard, and kissed too sweet, and threw back our heads and howled, just as loud as we wanted to howl, because by now we were all old enough to know that what looks like crazy on an ordinary day looks a lot like love if you catch it in the moonlight."

That was the last line of the book. Now THAT'S the way to end a book or a life or a story or a party. It's just a GREAT ending.

Who NEEDS "face time"?!?

Well,I'm in Texas and my MIL finally got internet access so once again I am connected via the world wide web. Ahh, that feels good. I like being connected. Nothing like feeling connected to the world by sitting down in front of my computer screen in the privacy of my own home. I don't know what all this hoopla about "face time" is about. I like staying connected through phone, texts, email, mail, computers, blogs and websites. It's like getting info real time almost without even being there. Ah, the marvel of modern technology.

Well, I'm still pregnant and still pretty much miserable and well, like Forest Gump so eloquently put it "that's all I gotta say about that."

I've had some really good ideas for blogs since I've been on vacation but like most good things, they were fleeting. I should have wrote them down while I had the chance.

One thing I did want to mention--completely randomly--is that "skin on skin" has to be one of the sexiest phrases I've ever heard. I just love that song (I know it's kinda "old" now) "I need you" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. And when she wants to lie beside him "skin on skin" ..that's hot. I think it's worth mentioning how his needs are about what he would do without her, how his life would not be as full or meaningful and her needs are about what she wants to do with him. I guess there are two sides to needing someone. Needing them to keep you straight and just needing them to be there for you and with you. It rings true as a love song. Need is a powerful thing and to say you need someone, well, that means something. At least to me it does. A need is simply something or in this case someone you can't live without. We all have wants but our needs are slim if you think about it. And if you can find someone in life that will fit in your need category..well, you better hold on because NEED is a powerful thing.