Radical reclamation

If you look at me and you think why does she pick unusual hair styles and bright colors, why did she decide not to shave or why is she wearing those clothes, why did she get tattoos and why does she pick that style of clothing? Why does she live there or drive that or have those bumper stickers? Why does she choose to not stand up when she should or not sit down when everyone else is? Why won't she conform?

 If you look at me know I am a survivor of a home of domestic violence and child abuse and that every decision about my body and my lifestyle is another way I reclaim myself. Every time I am authentic to my wants and needs, and every time I use my voice is another rung on a ladder of freedom. 

Every act is one of radical reclamation. Every day is an effort at self love. Every act that is not coerced or pressured is another way I heal. 

Every time I speak up now is for every time my voice was silenced because I was afraid, because I hurt, because I wanted to be safe, because I was forced to pretend things were ok. 

Until you've walked a mile....

Conversation with my daughter over lunch

Me: What did you talk about in your Unitarian Universalist Middle School Club today?
Her *animated*: We talked about gendering toys and colors and how other things are gendered. Some of my friends told stories about how they were discouraged about buying certain toys because of their gender or about how they weren't allowed to wear a suit because girls had to wear dresses in their school choir.
Me: That's a really good topic. It reminds me of our trip to the agriculture museum yesterday. An older man caught me on the porch while you guys and Dad were playing. He said I had 4 girls and I told him Ezra was a boy. I said maybe the long hair or his nail polish was why he though Ezra was a girl. He said oh, get him around some boys and they will start teasing him and he'll learn to stop doing that. I just walked off but the truth is that Ezra or anyone can wear nail polish or have any length hair they want. Those things don't define your gender. Only you can define your gender. This man lived in an age and time when people's worst fear was their kids would 'catch the gay' . They thought you could catch it from nail polish apparently. I don't care if you kids are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, queer, etc I only want one things for your future and that's your happiness.
Kylie: It's almost like he WANTED Ezra to be bullied for his nail polish.
Me: That's a good way to put it. I agree. That's not kind. No one should ever be bullied, ever. Not for their hair, or nail polish, or clothes or anything.

Me: So today in my Social Justice meeting at church we discussed a few things. One thing was Planned Parenthood. Some of the members got to tour the facility and they said it was very nice.
Her: What is Planned Parenthood?
Me: Oh it's a great place. I went there for STD testing, treatment, pap smears, breast exams, and contraception. If I had needed to they also do abortions. You know I was diagnosed with an STD right after your Dad and I started dating and having sex. We don't know who had it first but we both got treatment from them. They gave me antibiotics for treatment and another bottle to give to my partner to treat his STD. It was a very embarrassing time and I almost just dumped your Dad because telling him we had an STD was not what I wanted to do but that wouldn't have been fair to him. I got tested regularly and he didn't. It's a good thing it got caught. If I had gotten pregnant at that time in my life despite my efforts at birth control I probably would have had an abortion. Honestly, at the stage your Dad and I are right now and because we don't want more kids if I were to get pregnant now I would probably have an abortion.

On the way home in the car.

Her: You know Mama, you have tried to tell me that I'm being stereotypical when I like blond hair or when I don't like country music. You accused me of only wanting those things because of a cultural or society's message and that's not fair. I can like or not like those things because that's how *I* feel.
Me: You are absolutely correct. I apologize. I just know we can internalize messages about blond hair being the best or most beautiful because of our society of systematic racism and I know when I was your age kids that did like country would say they didn't because it was cool to say you didn't at the time. I just want you to be authentic and not feel pressured. I felt pressured about shaving and makeup and it took some self reflection to decide what was not an internalized message of society and what *I* really want.
Her: I get what you are saying about internalized messages. Truthfully I like country music more than I say. I mean I don't like it but it's not super awful.

Loss, even if we impose the loss for protection, hurts

This month the topic at church is 'Loss'. That's almost an overwhelming subject from the get-go. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is loss through the death of a loved one. There are many kinds of loss though.

The first to occur to myself was the loss of my Mother. You could say that it is a self-imposed loss so less relevant but I would disagree.

 Deciding to cut off my relationship with my Mother to protect myself after years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I mourn the loss of that relationship much like someone would mourn the death of a loved one. She is alive but our relationship has ended. With the realization of how truly awful my upbringing was and with the subsequent healing journey I've been going through I have also mourned my childhood. I have mourned the childhood I did not have. I have mourned the ways that I had to change because of her. I have mourned the stunted emotional development. I have mourned what could have been and tried to find a path of what is now. I have felt denial. I have denied that it THAT bad. I have tried to see the good and make it so large that the bad didn't exist. I (This one is a bit funny.) have even tried to deny I was her child. I remember in my childhood and even as a teenager thinking that I was going to suddenly be sat down for a solemn talk and told that I was adopted from a lovely family. It was a fantasy of mine. I am angry. I am still angry often. I don't know if I'm even past this stage. I'm past my initial anger I guess. I don't know who I'd bargain with. I may have tried to strike a bargain with myself in the past that something I did would make this relationship ok. If I just ignored this much or avoided the phone this much or just came to her house for this long that everything would be fine and she'd be normal and it would all be ok. I'm absolutely certain I have depressive episodes. I don't know that I'm never not depressed by the whole situation. I do not believe whatever stages may be lingering that I have yet met acceptance. It seems to accept this means to forgive or deny or somehow undermine what has been the most life changing relationship of my life. I cannot deny the damage and I cannot accept her or it. I'm pretty certain I need therapy.

I just wanted to address loss and the many ways and things we can feel a feeling of loss about. I mourn a relationship that I chose to end. I mourn a loss of a childhood that I never really had.

Relationship over Power, Relationship over that satisfying feeling of being RIGHT

Today this woman told me this story about how her daughter won't ever lock up her bike. They are reminding her all the time. Asking her if she locked it up all the time. She lies to them. They remind her. They punish her. They need her to lock her bike up. I ask why. She says because there has been thefts in the neighborhood. She says this is an ongoing battle with her child for years now. I say well her bike hasn't been stolen in all those years despite not locking it up, has anything been stolen? Oh yea, her bike was stolen. Someone jumped her gate, opened her garage and stole it out of the garage. Hmm mmm. But that wasn't because your bike wasn't locked up...it was because someone wanted to steal a bike. If someone really wants to steal a bike then a bike will be stolen.

So she found her daughters bike unlocked when it was suppose to be locked at school so she stole it. She stole her daughters bike and rode it home to teach her daughter a lesson. Her daughter came home devastated, upset, and crying because she thought her bike had been stolen. When she found out it hadn't she was very angry with her Mother. I would say understandably so. So did her daughter learn that her bike will get stolen or did she learn not to trust her Mother? She learned her Mother was capable of these things, not her neighbor. She learned her Mother will hurt her to teach her a lesson. Has she learned the lesson she was suppose to? Doubtful. She has learned mistrust in the person she should trust the most.

No matter how much I tried to logic this woman she would not get it so I wrote some FB responses and I will share them here. What she did to her daughter was not kind or respectful? It will not have the effect she wants it to have, but she could not keep from defending her actions while admitting what she is doing in her parenting is not working.

Some thoughts I had related but not directly.

"It can be so frustrating talking to people who parent drastically different. 

Power struggles do not make a peaceful home. Be the grownup, be the adult, and opt out of the power struggle. No one wins. There is crying so one person can feel superior to another. There is no contest. You hold the purse strings, you are stronger, you are bigger, you are smarter...you don't need to prove any of those things. Treat them with gentleness, respect, love, and kindness because they are deserving of it. There is so much more to be gained from modeling the appropriate behavior than fighting a battle for dominance. 

Stop seeing your home as a hierarchy and see your relationship as a partnership.

Your job is not to make bad things happen to them so they can know bad things happen. That's going to happen anyways. Your job is to love them and care for them and protect them. Those bad things are inevitable. Consequences are inevitable. Be their shelter from the storm, not the storm.

Value your relationship with your child more than any perceived lesson that you need to teach them. 

Your actions should be like any other action with another person. Is it hurting them? It is kind? Have empathy. Always."

Maybe It's the Cult of "Love Yourself and Tolerate No Bullshit"

I think I've decided the cult my Mother may be talking about. It started with intactivism and it spread. I am more open, more loving, and more accepting in many ways that she would not understand. She didn't believe in helping others. She believed the worst in others. She always had such a small and mean spirited way of seeing things. I don't do that anymore. In some ways I have closed other doors though. I do not tolerate violence, especially toward children. I will not listen to you talk about it. I will not watch you put it into action. I will not have people in my life who promote or take part in it.

So I am less accepting in ways she would like as a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive person and I a more accepting in ways she does not like meaning the LGBTQAI+ community and races among other things.

A Mother's Love

My MIL came to visit and when she did she told me she saw my Mother in Walmart. My body betrayed me in that moment and I felt a little thrill that I was going to get news. What I knew in that moment is no matter how much I can assure myself that the best thing is not having contact with her, that I will continue to miss and mourn her, and that I will be sad. 

She told me that my Mom told her I was in a cult. This isn't the first time I heard this since she also told my cousin this at my Grandma's birthday party that I purposefully missed because of her. A fucking cult. I kid you not. I really don't know what part of my life she feels is cultish. I feel like she may think being an intactivist was joining a cult which is hilarious but I really think she's scared by the changes she saw in me after that. I've been on a life changing journey of acceptance of myself and others, of love of myself and others...Yes, I have changed. I stopped hitting my kids. I've mostly stopped yelling. I decided I was an atheist. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist Church. 

I feel like I'm closer to being the person I was always meant to be. I feel like this awakening would have happened sooner if she hadn't been such a destructive force in my life. 

What happened was that I woke up and realized that she was abusive and that remaining in a relationship with her was toxic. I learned to love myself and to take care of myself and to decide that is not what is best for me and my children. 

What I find really funny is that started spreading these rumors about me and trying to take my sister's kids only after my sister confronted her about our abusive childhoods and why she would kick our brother out of the house. When confronted and asked to account for herself she turned to slander against me and Erica. She's an evil person..

and she's my Mother. It's so very complicated. 

I cried. Great big crushing tears, body shaking, ugly crying on Foy's shoulder. I didn't mean to. I went to tell him and his Mom had already told him. I just started crying. The truth is I wish I could cry more. Some part of me wants to fall into a giant hole of depression but I won't because I have these kids and I have UU and I have purpose.

 I am loved by someone. I am worthy of respect. I am deserving of all the good things. 

When the one person who is suppose to love you doesn't then telling yourself these things is so important. 

Ramblings of those who didn't sleep well.

UU has this thing called 'covenant groups'. It's like small groups of friends who meet once a month outside of church to support each other and talk about things going on with them or just to talk. I've been really looking forward to joining one since they sound a lot like my favorite 'sunday school' activity which is just a group of people who get together and talk about things. I'm having a lot of nerves about it though. I don't like committing especially if I don't feel fully informed and the groups give out very little info. They only tell you the days, times, and places they meet. They only list the groups and you pick them on ONLY that criteria. I want a group I will like!

I missed the social justice meeting this week because they had like an introduction to UU class after church that I've been meaning to take. I wanted to attend the justice meeting since I had attended a SA Feminist Unite get together and met the leader of the local chapter of NOW (National Organization for Women). I should get an email of the minutes though. It's hard to add any constructive talk afterwards though.

I was giving someone parenting advice on a thread (how to deal with young children and tantrums) and someone asked if I had interference from my relatives or husband and those sorts of questions always throw me off. I do not. I ask my husband why and he said because they are scared of me but even complete strangers do not look at me and think there is a woman wanting advice. I only wish I could point to a quality or characteristic that makes me NOT be a victim of this so then maybe others can fake it.