Unschooling Conference and Gender Pronouns

A lot of things happened at the Unschooling Conference I just attended and I may speak about them here at some point but something weighing on my mind at the moment is this:

I was speaking with another Mother in attendance and I used female pronouns to describe her daughter and the friend she brought with her. The Mother told me that their guest actually preferred male pronouns. I was a bit embarrassed and very happy I had been told. I would prefer to have been told by the Mother than by him. I know I can be hard on myself about pronouns but I so much want to be inclusive and accepting of all transgender or gender queer individuals in whatever part of their journey they are on.

I felt this was a defining moment for me that I've been working up to for awhile.

Another story. I was recently visiting a friend. She rarely posts pics of her children so I wasn't entirely sure of their gender or even how many. When we showed up there were two children, one dressed in pink pants and a brown shirt and the other in a MLP dress. The one in pink pants had shorter hair (mostly because they were younger) and the older in the MLP dress had long hair about to their waist. I referred to them both as 'she' to my children and was corrected by the Mother. The older child was a 'he'. I felt so embarrassed because I of all people support boys having any length hair they would like (as well as girls of course) and not having to wear what our society has deemed suitable for their gender. People who identify as boys should be able to wear a dress when and if they want and still be referred to as 'he' if they wish.

So between these two incidents I spent the rest of the conference working very hard to refer to any children whom I did not hear others refer to with the gender pronouns she and he, as 'they' or 'them' or 'their' or 'the child' or 'the person'.

It really is hard to change your wiring. It's finding a new place in my head not to assume someone is a certain gender because they look to me like a certain gender.

An unschooling conference is the best place to work on this since you are more likely to see non-normative dress and hair styles. Many gender neutral things. Lots of colors being worn by all genders. People who are all accepting of their child and have no subscribed limitations on them.

I think this is very healthy for me to question these things and to learn to speak a new way. To learn to think a new way about gender and how fluid it can be is definitely a change I want to make and I hope to forgive myself (and have others forgive me) for any missteps in my own journey.

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.

A journey, the Good, the Bad, and mostly just the Human

Sometimes I think I want to go back and read this blog but...it's like reliving some things I'd rather not so I think maybe I wouldn't. It has the power to hurt me. It's a chronicle of my sins, my angst, my troubles, my sorrows...

It is funny to go back and read a few posts though.

So much has happened since then. Seeing how crazy my Mom is and how much I just brushed under the rug. I have always used this blog as a diary of sorts and that has gotten me in all sorts of trouble and there have definitely been things I shouldn't have said, could have said, should have said maybe but it's frail and faulty and mine.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since...November of 2014. That is approximately 6 months. That's the longest we have went without speaking since I first moved out of the house and she disowned me for daring to wear pants, cut my hair, wear makeup, and live my life. This time we stopped speaking for several reasons.

1) She kicked my brother out of his house because she thought he was gay. She sent him to my Dad's where they abused him emotionally and finally physically when they kicked him out of their trailer and he slept in the back of a truck for 2 nights before my Dad finally dropped him off at my sister's trailer and I picked him up there. He's been living with us for 2 years this Fall. He will be 18 June 3rd.

2) She called CPS on my sister for nothing more than a vague suspicion (not of any wrongdoing on my sister but on her current baby daddy) and tried to get her ex to take her to court and take her kid(s) away. She already had this whole plan in her head about how she was going to raise my sisters son.

Let's let that sink in. Now shake it. I'm done with that crazy train. You don't fuck with anyones kid's and CPS unless you have a REAL, very real reason. The end.

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That was the bad news. That's why there is a break there because this is the good news.

Well, this is other news maybe because I'm not sure it's all good.

Almost two years ago I started a journey...a transition of sorts. It was gradual and when I thought I had arrived I hadn't really and it's still happening. I'm not sure anymore where it's going and in some things I feel like I've come full circle but not in all things. It's a journey of discovery, of renewal..a journey that should have happened long ago. Maybe I wasn't ready or I wasn't mature or whatever the reason may be. I have the feeling many people have made this journey before me and many will after me. It's been healing, sometimes hurtful but always informative, and most often about self-discovery.

I was looking into a counselor which I'm still pretty sure is on the books to help me deal with my parent issues, hopefully help me heal so I can be a better parent, and maybe to help with my marriage. You see, as I have made this journey, my husband has not. I feel very different from the person he married in 2002 and I don't know how to be happy with the person he is. I once read that we don't marry once but constantly change who we are as does our partner and have to re-marry and re-marry them over and over. I feel truth in that. This journey has been about truth mostly. My truth, and the truth of others.


I don't see how I can cover a whole journey of this magnitude in just a few blogs so this will be spotty and probably a bit ugly to read but it's really not for anyone but me. It's my journaling...my outlet as always.

pompous ass, here

Today I received an email from a girl I went out to dinner with recently. I felt the dinner had went well and counted her among my friends. In the email she basically said I was a pompous ass and pointed out my white middle class privilege. I'm hurt, feeling defensive, and embarrassed because I had no idea she felt this way. I think I am hurt more by what feels like a feeling of false friendship that I've been enjoying. I'm probably somewhat hurt because I feel she might be right. 530 am is a shitty time to wake up and then not be able to sleep feeling shitty about yourself.

Today we are leaving to go camping for a few days and I was excited and happy and now I just feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I want to crawl in a hole and lick my wounds. I won't because my kids deserve better but I can say reading this before I am off to meet new people is going to cause me to be introverted to an extreme extent. Why would anyone want to be my friend?
I feel like so much of my bravado is faked. If I fake it enough it will one day be real, right? I'm unable to fake right now though.
Also, I procrastinated like always and Foy better not say a word. I can't handle any more criticism right now. I will just crumble. :'(

Need?

My Mother loves to say that I can go to my friends if I 'need' something when she gets mad..which flabbergasts me because when she says that it's almost like she's assuming she has EVER cared for my needs. Let's be clear. My Mother has not babysat my kids, washed my clothes, paid a bill, or cared for me and my needs or the needs of my children in my memory. I'm sure (I think.) at some point MAYBE she cared for one of my needs as a child or even as a teenager. I guess she bought my clothes and cooked my food. Let it be known that for every thing she ever did for me she let me know that because she did these things I was under her rule. That I owed her because she did these things. They were lorded over me and held up as evidence that somehow I OWED HER SOMETHING.I owed her at the least obedience. You know, my house, my rules. She never did anything out of love or respect.

This is why I cannot let people do things for me. This is why I can't take things from others. This is why I have a hard time accepting gifts. You have no idea what it was like growing up with this woman. To feel like every bit you ate or every piece of clothes you wore were bitterly given to you OR given to you as a means to control you.

As far as my friends, I think they can attest that I do not ask them to fill any needs for me. That I have not and never will.....if only because my Mother scarred me in this way. In the way that I find it impossible to accept the help of others.

Asshole Views.

Please tell me other people have as much drama as I do. I. hate. drama. My Mom sent me a FEW texts which I didn't respond to til today. I responded because she said 'You can tell your 'friend' to to shove it up her ass and so can you'. (These are the type of texts I get from my parents..envy me, please. Completely unwarranted as I have not said a WORD TO HER.)WHAT FRIEND? I have no idea what she is talking about. I asked her and she said something else not answering my question so I just wanna say if some well meaning friend has read this blog (The only place I have shared this other than to my cousin and husband.) and tried to communicate with my Mother..this is her message to you. *sigh* This is why I do not engage her because it is futile. She is full of hate and nastiness. She has NEVER in her life said 'I made a mistake. I was wrong. I apologize.' and she never will. I believe that.

Update. I guess I should say I blocked her from my FB so I have no idea what friend she means and what has been said.

If someone reading this blog has tried to speak to her, please don't but please 'fess up to me. I'm super curious which 'friend' of mine would go to such an effort. It's very sweet even if it's misguided.

Wow, it's been a shitty few days..(I hate my Mother and my Father.)

Even as I write the title my little brain says, "Come on, Ginger, aren't you being a little bit overly dramatic? It hasn't been THAT bad.".

My Mom ..how do I say this..gave my brother to my Dad because she can't handle him. I really didn't know the extent of how bad it was until I talked to her. She is the meanest person I know, hands down. I'm sure she said some awful things to him because my whole life she said awful things to me and still today I use them to fuel an inner fire because FUCK HER. My Dad wouldn't come get my brother because he can't leave work..oh wait, no, it's because he's a major ASSHOLE. So he got his brother to come pick him up. Well, my brother just knew that nobody wanted him so he packed up a backpack and escaped out of the window....with a pistol. Oh yeah, no I'm not kidding. Mom found him wandering around and he told her he was going to find some place to live other than with her or Dad since nobody wanted him. My baby brother thinks nobody wants him. OH God, how can anyone let a 16 year old kid feel that way? He's a good kid. If anything he's a saint for putting up with her. He's diabetic. His whole life is structured around shots and eating and my Mom makes it worse by controlling every other part of his life. He can't even go to school. She wouldn't let him go now because it would mean admitting that he's so far behind because she isn't actually homeschooling him. She won't let him go outside because it's too hot and he might go somewhere or do something she doesn't like. His whole life and every friend he has is on the x-box, LITERALLY.She won't let him get a permit or license. She won't even let him have a phone if she decides on a whim he can't have it. She controls his food like a Nazi.

This kid feels this way...is breaking my heart. I vow that my kids WILL NEVER feel this way. They will never feel unwanted. Do your worst kids, make my life a living fucking hell and I will STILL FUCKING BE HERE, til I die. That is my responsiblity, not only that I LOVE YOU.


My Mom can only post on FB about herself. Poor her. Poor poor her. It must be horrible. Boo fucking hoo.  The house is too quiet. She hopes she made the right decision. Her kids are such a disappointment. She shows me EVERY DAY a lesson in how I do not want to be. I won't take to social media to tell my kids they are a disappointment. This I vow. I will TALK to my kids. I will be proud of them no matter what they do..well, most of what they do, I hope.

So my uncle picked him up and then has asking the school for his records. I'm sure my uncle wants to put him in school. Will he live with my uncle? Is he happy there? What about my douchebag dad?

My brother is on Medicaid because my Dad isn't covering him on insurance like he's suppose to. My brothers medications are SOOO expensive. Like 300$ for one vial.

I've been wanting to call my brother the last couple of days but I haven't......Why can't I? Part of the reason has been my Mom. How will she respond when she knows he is here...if he decided to come here? He is better off away from her no matter what. If I ask him to come, how can I afford the medication? Am I capable of taking on a 16 year old? Why did he have the gun? What if he is thinking of harming himself...or others? He is such a good kid. He's my fav sibling by far.

Today I half jokingly posted I was leaning toward anarchism. I really meant more the libertarian side but whatever. It's not like I rushed down to the office to change my political afiliation or started burning things in the street. It was a post, whatever. She starts commenting on it how sad SHE is and SHE is disappointed and that I AM THE ONE brainwashed. THEN she makes a FB post about how she doesn't know how she went so wrong as a Mother to have such disappointing children. I took a screen shot but I'm too lazy to post it right now. The woman is unfucking believable.

I know you remember my Dad and I aren't speaking and haven't for over a year now. Actually at about a year I got a 'fuck you' on a text from him. Yeah, he's a stand up fucking Dad. It's a wonder my siblings and I aren't more fucked up than we already are.

My Mother hasn't had a job in YEARS. She got a divorce from a husband who supported her and now she is letting another man pay her bills. She hates this man. She lies to him and asks me to lie to him as well. She uses lies and persuasion (I don't know if she's having sex.) to get him  to give her money. Other than the money she gets from him and him paying her bills she lives off the child support from her kids. If she doesn't get child support she threatens to give the kids back. Actually this might be part of what happened. Why can't she work, you say? NO FUCKING REASON. She's a lazy bitch. What does she do all day? FARMVILLE. That's it. For hours and hours and hours. She has never done one thing (other than finding a man to give her money) to improve her situation.

I went traveling in the RV with her this Summer, how did she help me? NOT A FUCKING THING. EVER. She never once unhooked a hose, hooked anything up, or cooked a meal. She never watched my kids for me, washed clothes for me, or helped me one single way. ACTUALLY she made more of a mess. It was like having another kid...AND I gave her my bed so I slept on the table/bed which was not as comfortable. I could not WAIT for her to leave. I kept hoping she was going to leave early..even on the trip back to Texas I kept encouraging her to go ahead of me and telling her I knew she missed her bed...JUST so I could have my bed and sanity back.

I AM DONE. The real only reason I had a relationship with her was for my siblings. With Cash gone (and I wouldn't doubt Caden soon) then I have no reason to even pretend to care. I will not answer her phone calls. I will not talk to her but I what I will fucking do is call my brother and offer him my love and support because FUCK HER.

I don't talk to my husband. I mean, I've probably said 10 sentences about this whole affair to him. He did encourage me to call my brother. I do not talk to friends. I do not talk to my sister. I bottle all this anxiety and worry and heartache and I package it with a smile and a 'things could be worse' attitude. I go about my fucking day and I take care of my kids and I pack my stuff and I get ready to leave my home of the last 8 years. But you want to know what, this sucks.

You want to know why I'm fiercely fucking independent. You want to know why, because the best lesson my Mother ever taught me was to rely on NOBODY. Everybody will let you down.

The only adult in my life who has never EVER let me down is my Grandmother. That's it.