Asshole Views.

Please tell me other people have as much drama as I do. I. hate. drama. My Mom sent me a FEW texts which I didn't respond to til today. I responded because she said 'You can tell your 'friend' to to shove it up her ass and so can you'. (These are the type of texts I get from my parents..envy me, please. Completely unwarranted as I have not said a WORD TO HER.)WHAT FRIEND? I have no idea what she is talking about. I asked her and she said something else not answering my question so I just wanna say if some well meaning friend has read this blog (The only place I have shared this other than to my cousin and husband.) and tried to communicate with my Mother..this is her message to you. *sigh* This is why I do not engage her because it is futile. She is full of hate and nastiness. She has NEVER in her life said 'I made a mistake. I was wrong. I apologize.' and she never will. I believe that.

Update. I guess I should say I blocked her from my FB so I have no idea what friend she means and what has been said.

If someone reading this blog has tried to speak to her, please don't but please 'fess up to me. I'm super curious which 'friend' of mine would go to such an effort. It's very sweet even if it's misguided.

Wow, it's been a shitty few days..(I hate my Mother and my Father.)

Even as I write the title my little brain says, "Come on, Ginger, aren't you being a little bit overly dramatic? It hasn't been THAT bad.".

My Mom ..how do I say this..gave my brother to my Dad because she can't handle him. I really didn't know the extent of how bad it was until I talked to her. She is the meanest person I know, hands down. I'm sure she said some awful things to him because my whole life she said awful things to me and still today I use them to fuel an inner fire because FUCK HER. My Dad wouldn't come get my brother because he can't leave work..oh wait, no, it's because he's a major ASSHOLE. So he got his brother to come pick him up. Well, my brother just knew that nobody wanted him so he packed up a backpack and escaped out of the window....with a pistol. Oh yeah, no I'm not kidding. Mom found him wandering around and he told her he was going to find some place to live other than with her or Dad since nobody wanted him. My baby brother thinks nobody wants him. OH God, how can anyone let a 16 year old kid feel that way? He's a good kid. If anything he's a saint for putting up with her. He's diabetic. His whole life is structured around shots and eating and my Mom makes it worse by controlling every other part of his life. He can't even go to school. She wouldn't let him go now because it would mean admitting that he's so far behind because she isn't actually homeschooling him. She won't let him go outside because it's too hot and he might go somewhere or do something she doesn't like. His whole life and every friend he has is on the x-box, LITERALLY.She won't let him get a permit or license. She won't even let him have a phone if she decides on a whim he can't have it. She controls his food like a Nazi.

This kid feels this way...is breaking my heart. I vow that my kids WILL NEVER feel this way. They will never feel unwanted. Do your worst kids, make my life a living fucking hell and I will STILL FUCKING BE HERE, til I die. That is my responsiblity, not only that I LOVE YOU.


My Mom can only post on FB about herself. Poor her. Poor poor her. It must be horrible. Boo fucking hoo.  The house is too quiet. She hopes she made the right decision. Her kids are such a disappointment. She shows me EVERY DAY a lesson in how I do not want to be. I won't take to social media to tell my kids they are a disappointment. This I vow. I will TALK to my kids. I will be proud of them no matter what they do..well, most of what they do, I hope.

So my uncle picked him up and then has asking the school for his records. I'm sure my uncle wants to put him in school. Will he live with my uncle? Is he happy there? What about my douchebag dad?

My brother is on Medicaid because my Dad isn't covering him on insurance like he's suppose to. My brothers medications are SOOO expensive. Like 300$ for one vial.

I've been wanting to call my brother the last couple of days but I haven't......Why can't I? Part of the reason has been my Mom. How will she respond when she knows he is here...if he decided to come here? He is better off away from her no matter what. If I ask him to come, how can I afford the medication? Am I capable of taking on a 16 year old? Why did he have the gun? What if he is thinking of harming himself...or others? He is such a good kid. He's my fav sibling by far.

Today I half jokingly posted I was leaning toward anarchism. I really meant more the libertarian side but whatever. It's not like I rushed down to the office to change my political afiliation or started burning things in the street. It was a post, whatever. She starts commenting on it how sad SHE is and SHE is disappointed and that I AM THE ONE brainwashed. THEN she makes a FB post about how she doesn't know how she went so wrong as a Mother to have such disappointing children. I took a screen shot but I'm too lazy to post it right now. The woman is unfucking believable.

I know you remember my Dad and I aren't speaking and haven't for over a year now. Actually at about a year I got a 'fuck you' on a text from him. Yeah, he's a stand up fucking Dad. It's a wonder my siblings and I aren't more fucked up than we already are.

My Mother hasn't had a job in YEARS. She got a divorce from a husband who supported her and now she is letting another man pay her bills. She hates this man. She lies to him and asks me to lie to him as well. She uses lies and persuasion (I don't know if she's having sex.) to get him  to give her money. Other than the money she gets from him and him paying her bills she lives off the child support from her kids. If she doesn't get child support she threatens to give the kids back. Actually this might be part of what happened. Why can't she work, you say? NO FUCKING REASON. She's a lazy bitch. What does she do all day? FARMVILLE. That's it. For hours and hours and hours. She has never done one thing (other than finding a man to give her money) to improve her situation.

I went traveling in the RV with her this Summer, how did she help me? NOT A FUCKING THING. EVER. She never once unhooked a hose, hooked anything up, or cooked a meal. She never watched my kids for me, washed clothes for me, or helped me one single way. ACTUALLY she made more of a mess. It was like having another kid...AND I gave her my bed so I slept on the table/bed which was not as comfortable. I could not WAIT for her to leave. I kept hoping she was going to leave early..even on the trip back to Texas I kept encouraging her to go ahead of me and telling her I knew she missed her bed...JUST so I could have my bed and sanity back.

I AM DONE. The real only reason I had a relationship with her was for my siblings. With Cash gone (and I wouldn't doubt Caden soon) then I have no reason to even pretend to care. I will not answer her phone calls. I will not talk to her but I what I will fucking do is call my brother and offer him my love and support because FUCK HER.

I don't talk to my husband. I mean, I've probably said 10 sentences about this whole affair to him. He did encourage me to call my brother. I do not talk to friends. I do not talk to my sister. I bottle all this anxiety and worry and heartache and I package it with a smile and a 'things could be worse' attitude. I go about my fucking day and I take care of my kids and I pack my stuff and I get ready to leave my home of the last 8 years. But you want to know what, this sucks.

You want to know why I'm fiercely fucking independent. You want to know why, because the best lesson my Mother ever taught me was to rely on NOBODY. Everybody will let you down.

The only adult in my life who has never EVER let me down is my Grandmother. That's it.

Just another rant.

I really hate the term 'mommy wars'. People love to whip that one out any time they feel 'judged', another term I'm not in love with it. I guess because I think judgement is internalized. Too often when someone feels 'judged' it's because they are dealing with guilt or an issue of their own. It really has nothing to do with anyone else 'judging' them. All choices are not equal. I get really sick that we are suppose to go around patting each other on the back for. everything. Where does it end? At one point do we stop patting someone on the back for the choices they made and instead say, "Hey, you could make better choices.".

Travel Blog (I made one.)

I still plan to put my deepest darkest thoughts here but I really wanted to share my Summer fun more universally, without being judged for my ...emotional throwup that happens on this page SOOO


I started a new blog for my Summer fun. Follow me there at www.blazeatrailwithme.blogspot.com.

I will mostly just be sharing my Summer plans/traveling over there but if I have anything highly offensive, controversial or I just need to vent..this will ALWAYS be my go-to place. It's where life gets messy!

First Birthday Boy!

Today my baby boy turns 1.

Remember in my last post how I avoid unpleasant things..well, I've kind of avoided this topic all day. It makes me sad, like my heart will explode with the sadness of it all.

See, I can't even blog about it......

He has the bluest eyes. 

His smile makes the sunshine in heart. 

This is my Kangaroo Care nursing/babywearing necklace. We both love that thing. It's bright cheerful colors make me happy. 

This is our 'official' first birthday diaper. It was made by Kim's Cloth. The softest minky inside and out. He's a rootin' tootin' cutie in it. 

This is one of my all time fav pics of us. I feel it expresses our feelings best. There is a connection, a deep unexplainable connection. Sometimes we press our foreheads together and it calms us both. I feel all my worry go away and he instantly calms as well. 

I think this displays one of my fav wraps in an awesome way. Earthy Rainbow by Girasol is definitely a legacy wrap for Ezra. I'm thinking we might have it converted to a MT though. My sign is Earth and this wrap speaks to me. 

Flowers need sunshine!

Sometimes I think my husband isn't happy unless I feel like him.

He's the uptight one. He worries about EVERYTHING. So he made it his life goal to get us out of debt. I mean he scrambled, worked, planned and finally we are pretty much debt free except for our car and house (plus usual utilities). NOW he's stressed because we're not saving enough money. That's just his personality. He can't function without stress. I should also add he's on meds for stomach ulcers that are precancerous. Actually they are in his esophagus and are from stomach acid BUT details aside they are stress related. He's always been this way. I couldn't function like he does. My heart would give out. I would break into.

I on the other hand am a free spirit. I don't worry about things I can't control. I'm a pay the minimum kind of girl....and it might even be late sometimes because I was busy living life. Oh fine, yes I procrastinate and I avoid things that are unpleasant. BUT I was single and paying my own bills before I met him. I was married and paying my own bills until he got the job he has and we decided I would quit. I CAN be responsible. My responsibility is just more happy go lucky than his.

The kids are upsetting us. I am working really hard on my gentle parenting. I am working on 'freeing my kids'. I am trying to come from less of an authoritarian stance and trying to get them to agree with me on things. It really comes down to ONE issue and that's cleaning up after themselves. One of my friends thinks she has solved the issue by getting rid of ALL of her kids toys. All of them. She just took them away except for like 1 or 2. I have my doubts. First off, my kids barely ever watch tv and I like that. Secondly, they DO play with toys...that's usually how they wind up all over my house. EVERYWHERE. If I could just find some potion or words or way to make them pick up after themselves..... :(

Foy makes me feel like a failure. We just spent over 30 minutes of him telling me that the kids don't mind, the house is a wreck (apparently it's so bad he'll have take a vaca to help me organize it), we can't and never will afford a larger house, we can't save money because I spend too much, blah blah blah.....and now he can be happy because I feel punched, repeatedly punched. I feel just as sad, downtrodden and worried as he does. I feel just as negative.

I'm the positive one. I see the sunny side always..in every situation. It's my charm.
I don't function well in this dark and gloomy state. I'm susceptible to depression.

I need positive things to look forward to. I need sunshine and light and a devil may care attitude.

Fuck. I think I just need a drink. God, that sounds good. 

Sex with A-holes (never a good idea)

Oh. My. God.

My head is going to explode.

I just read some thread from some chick I barely know (just on the interwebs) about how she's 7 weeks pregnant by some douche who has already admitted he doesn't want to be in the baby's life AND he has another girl pregnant at the same time AND this chick has a baby that turns one this month whose Father she does not get along with and she has constant court battles with. Ok, what really blew my mind was an entire conversation about how he didn't wear a condom. What.the.fuck. Uh, #1 Dude don't wear a condom you say, "GET THE FUCK OFF ME OR PUT A CONDOM ON.". It's really that simple. #2 Why is birth control only his responsibility? Get on some yourself. You are bringing new life into the world and all you got is, "He sucks for not wearing a jacket.". #3 Why are you having sex with big fat douche bags who don't want to care for the children they put in your belly. I can guarantee you he didn't suddenly become an a-hole, he was one when you had sex with him. Don't have sex with assholes.

This makes me wanna go talk to my girls right now. Men are...look, there Dad is a good guy but I know way too many men who run out. Birth control is the responsibility of both parties. That baby will grow in your belly. YOU will deal with the consequences when he is already in the rear view. Have sex with men (on birth control) that you would WANT to make a baby with to begin with.

I really can't believe people can be so idiotic and ignorant but this should not surprise me.