Just another rant.

I really hate the term 'mommy wars'. People love to whip that one out any time they feel 'judged', another term I'm not in love with it. I guess because I think judgement is internalized. Too often when someone feels 'judged' it's because they are dealing with guilt or an issue of their own. It really has nothing to do with anyone else 'judging' them. All choices are not equal. I get really sick that we are suppose to go around patting each other on the back for. everything. Where does it end? At one point do we stop patting someone on the back for the choices they made and instead say, "Hey, you could make better choices.".

Travel Blog (I made one.)

I still plan to put my deepest darkest thoughts here but I really wanted to share my Summer fun more universally, without being judged for my ...emotional throwup that happens on this page SOOO


I started a new blog for my Summer fun. Follow me there at www.blazeatrailwithme.blogspot.com.

I will mostly just be sharing my Summer plans/traveling over there but if I have anything highly offensive, controversial or I just need to vent..this will ALWAYS be my go-to place. It's where life gets messy!

First Birthday Boy!

Today my baby boy turns 1.

Remember in my last post how I avoid unpleasant things..well, I've kind of avoided this topic all day. It makes me sad, like my heart will explode with the sadness of it all.

See, I can't even blog about it......

He has the bluest eyes. 

His smile makes the sunshine in heart. 

This is my Kangaroo Care nursing/babywearing necklace. We both love that thing. It's bright cheerful colors make me happy. 

This is our 'official' first birthday diaper. It was made by Kim's Cloth. The softest minky inside and out. He's a rootin' tootin' cutie in it. 

This is one of my all time fav pics of us. I feel it expresses our feelings best. There is a connection, a deep unexplainable connection. Sometimes we press our foreheads together and it calms us both. I feel all my worry go away and he instantly calms as well. 

I think this displays one of my fav wraps in an awesome way. Earthy Rainbow by Girasol is definitely a legacy wrap for Ezra. I'm thinking we might have it converted to a MT though. My sign is Earth and this wrap speaks to me. 

Flowers need sunshine!

Sometimes I think my husband isn't happy unless I feel like him.

He's the uptight one. He worries about EVERYTHING. So he made it his life goal to get us out of debt. I mean he scrambled, worked, planned and finally we are pretty much debt free except for our car and house (plus usual utilities). NOW he's stressed because we're not saving enough money. That's just his personality. He can't function without stress. I should also add he's on meds for stomach ulcers that are precancerous. Actually they are in his esophagus and are from stomach acid BUT details aside they are stress related. He's always been this way. I couldn't function like he does. My heart would give out. I would break into.

I on the other hand am a free spirit. I don't worry about things I can't control. I'm a pay the minimum kind of girl....and it might even be late sometimes because I was busy living life. Oh fine, yes I procrastinate and I avoid things that are unpleasant. BUT I was single and paying my own bills before I met him. I was married and paying my own bills until he got the job he has and we decided I would quit. I CAN be responsible. My responsibility is just more happy go lucky than his.

The kids are upsetting us. I am working really hard on my gentle parenting. I am working on 'freeing my kids'. I am trying to come from less of an authoritarian stance and trying to get them to agree with me on things. It really comes down to ONE issue and that's cleaning up after themselves. One of my friends thinks she has solved the issue by getting rid of ALL of her kids toys. All of them. She just took them away except for like 1 or 2. I have my doubts. First off, my kids barely ever watch tv and I like that. Secondly, they DO play with toys...that's usually how they wind up all over my house. EVERYWHERE. If I could just find some potion or words or way to make them pick up after themselves..... :(

Foy makes me feel like a failure. We just spent over 30 minutes of him telling me that the kids don't mind, the house is a wreck (apparently it's so bad he'll have take a vaca to help me organize it), we can't and never will afford a larger house, we can't save money because I spend too much, blah blah blah.....and now he can be happy because I feel punched, repeatedly punched. I feel just as sad, downtrodden and worried as he does. I feel just as negative.

I'm the positive one. I see the sunny side always..in every situation. It's my charm.
I don't function well in this dark and gloomy state. I'm susceptible to depression.

I need positive things to look forward to. I need sunshine and light and a devil may care attitude.

Fuck. I think I just need a drink. God, that sounds good. 

Sex with A-holes (never a good idea)

Oh. My. God.

My head is going to explode.

I just read some thread from some chick I barely know (just on the interwebs) about how she's 7 weeks pregnant by some douche who has already admitted he doesn't want to be in the baby's life AND he has another girl pregnant at the same time AND this chick has a baby that turns one this month whose Father she does not get along with and she has constant court battles with. Ok, what really blew my mind was an entire conversation about how he didn't wear a condom. What.the.fuck. Uh, #1 Dude don't wear a condom you say, "GET THE FUCK OFF ME OR PUT A CONDOM ON.". It's really that simple. #2 Why is birth control only his responsibility? Get on some yourself. You are bringing new life into the world and all you got is, "He sucks for not wearing a jacket.". #3 Why are you having sex with big fat douche bags who don't want to care for the children they put in your belly. I can guarantee you he didn't suddenly become an a-hole, he was one when you had sex with him. Don't have sex with assholes.

This makes me wanna go talk to my girls right now. Men are...look, there Dad is a good guy but I know way too many men who run out. Birth control is the responsibility of both parties. That baby will grow in your belly. YOU will deal with the consequences when he is already in the rear view. Have sex with men (on birth control) that you would WANT to make a baby with to begin with.

I really can't believe people can be so idiotic and ignorant but this should not surprise me.

My 1st Grader Quit School

I don't think I've written (pardon my amnesia if I have) about our new homeschool/unschool adventure.

I really write it that way so it looks like I'm not committed to unschooling and so people won't question me. People always ask lots of questions when you say unschool. I don't like questions.

I also say it because it's less scary for me. I haven't really gotten around to looking for a curriculum since my 1st grader decided to quit school a couple months ago. Lazy parenting FTW.

It was becoming such a dramatic ordeal to send her to school. She didn't want to get up. She didn't want to get dressed. She didn't want to go to school. I was certain that her stomach pains and random vomiting (that seemed worse on Sunday night) had something to do with anxiety about school. Sure enough once we decided she wasn't going anymore the stomach pains have disappeared and no more anxiety vomiting. It just happened one morning. I was going to drop her off and she burst into tears. She didn't want to go. I said SCREW IT, we're done. Let's go home. You don't have to do this. I don't have to do this. We are a 'letter of intent to homeschool' only state  PLUS our compulsory attendance law says she doesn't have to attend til the school year where she is 7 when school starts....which wasn't 1st grade. I went ahead and filed the letter though just to cover my ass with the school district, her school and I told them she was checking out. We went by her class and told her friends and teacher GOODBYE. Lexie never hesitated, never cried, and has never once regretted her decision.

I won't lie. I was scared and still am. I was fearful of having THREE kids home all day (my 3rd grader still goes to public school). They were gonna drive me nuts right? This was gonna be HARD but I would be ok. Never could be farther from the truth. My Lexie is a different child. She is easier to talk to, happier, more talkative, and bright.

I not only feared that. I fear she isn't doing what she should..she isn't learning enough. What if she's behind? What if she can't go to college? What if she never learns to read any better than she does now? *cue panic*

We're just going one day at a time. We go to the library. We talk. We go to the park. We do LOTS of crafts because that's her favorite. We just have fun. I hope we figure it out....or she figures it out...or I do ...or something.

For the Mamas with regrets....I keep fighting to inform.

Sometimes as an advocate for bodily integrity I get discouraged. I feel like I'm helping no one and instead being called an 'extremeist' or 'militant' when I just want to help save other Mama's from the regret that SOO many Mamas have. I have regrets, luckily not circumcision regrets but other ones. In just the short time that I've been advocating for this painful, scarring, needless practice to end I have had  at 3 women come to me speaking of their regret. I had three women who said they didn't know. THEY are the reason I advocate so loudly. I had one friend who I believe is experiencing a form of PTSD because she had to help hold down her nephew so he could be cut. They nicked the head of his penis and took too much of his foreskin as well. His penis will probably curve and his erections may be painful later on in life.

I almost cry writing this. WHY? We aren't cutting the genitals of girls for cleanliness and trust me, vaginas have more folds and nook and crannies than a penis. We aren't cutting out breast buds of girls who have a history of breast cancer in their family as a preventative measure. We aren't telling girls their vaginas have to match their Mothers. WTF? I don't want to look at my Mothers vagina, thank you...nor do I want mine to match hers. We treat girls who have UTIs with antibiotics yet we amputate part of boys' penises to prevent this. WTF? Antibiotics, not amputation!

Sex as nature intended it is the way to go. Here are some articles on the functions of the foreskin. It is absolutely not a useless piece of skin. Remember you are not circumcising a baby but the man that he will become. http://www.noharmm.org/advantage.htm and http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/functions-of-foreskin-purposes-of.html and http://www.circumstitions.com/Functions.html .

I guess no matter what part of circumcision that gets through to you....no matter what studies I read about how many UTIs he might get in his first year (he's had none), infections (he's had none) or his increased risk of HIV (I expect him to use safe sex practices and not rely on his foreskin or lack thereof to do the job) it always gets back to a few basic common sense things.

1. It can be removed later but never replaced. (Restoration aside, that's another conversation. Though even in this case it will never be the same.) PERMANENT. You are making permanent body modifications to an infant who cannot consent. It is not life saving or even needed.

2. Foreskin is not a birth defect. Say it slow and say it a few times..Every baby boy (unless he has a birth defect) is born with one. That's a plan. A purpose. A reason. Who am I to say I know better than Mother Nature or God or evolution? What other body parts do we routinely remove that aren't a birth defect? NONE.

3. Europe (just to take one country) keeps their babies foreskin attached and have no idea what our issue is with it. They think we're nutso doing things to the genitals of our brand new babies! And I agree! They have whole, intact natural penises and no problem with it.

That's really all I need to know about circumcision. Those 3 facts alone. I've heard the 'look like Daddy' reason and as I mentioned before, I don't compare vaginas with my Mother...I refuse to think my son wants to compare penises with his Father. Plus I'm having sex with my husband's penis, not my sons...creepy that I would want their genitalia to match. If you don't think your son has enough gumption to rinse under his foreskin WHEN HE RETRACTS IT (you never retract a boy, they will retract when they are ready) then you are seriously underestimating him. I'm not really sure what kind of job a man who can't rinse under his foreskin will have.

I want my son to experience sex as nature intended it as well as his future partner. I wouldn't want to rob him (or his partner) of that. If he wishes to do it later he will be able to (see point 1 again). Here is a link about Sex as Nature Intended It.

When I started researching circumcision it helped me to put together some things about my own sex life. In recent years I have resorted to lube. I honestly felt like it was a malfunction on my part but come to find out it's because my Mother In Law had my husbands foreskin removed! Her decision is effecting MY sex life. BUMMER. He should come equipped with his own lube to help with mine not to mention he should have a ridge that fits perfects with my woman parts...but his parts of been surgically adjusted. I will not have sex as nature intended it.

This practice is barbaric and disgusting. I want it to be made illegal.