Babies of all varieties!

I'm proud of myself..I got our Christmas card pics made today..with the girls in their fancy dresses and hair done and then I got the cards made online and went and picked them up and got 90% of the envelopes addressed and even remembered stamps...usually this whole process takes me like a week..so there, that's why I'm proud.

The neighbor stopped over today with her cute as hell baby teacup Yorkie. He was such a cutie. She came to see if I had a baby carrier..that you carry on your body and I sure did and I just let her have it cuz she's done so much for us. She's watered the yard when we couldn't be home...the other night I didn't answer the phone for 3 hours cuz I had left it in my jacket pocket and I was kinda taking a "social" break for myself and Foy called her and woke her up to come check on me. Really scared the total shit out of me..someone ringing the doorbell @ 10 pm. But it was nice of him to worry. So yeah, I just let her have it.

I am getting very excited for my sisters baby. I completed a couple of little hats for the guy and now I'm gonna work on a cocoon for him. I wonder if I'm not just feeling s little baby hungry....Foy and I have discussed it but we're both unsure we want another and Foy feels we're better off discussing it again in 6 months rather than making a rushed or "wrong" decision now. I have so many mixed emotions about possibly having another..one of them is that I KNOW if we have another I won't regret having it...not matter the sex but if I don't...will I regret not giving it another go. But I also have a lot of negative feelings about another baby...the college takes kids when they are 2 I believe and I really do wanna do something for myself...and then I feel selfish but really having another baby is not really helping the other kids either. That's less time and money that's spent on them...and they are kinda awesome and I would like to be there even MORE for them..which I feel like I can do when S gets a little older. I also want to start contributing monetarily to this family at some point. I feel like a big ol' mooch sometimes even though i know what im doing is needed and contributing and Foy sees that....i just cant help feeling that way a little. I worry my husband might regret not having that boy but honestly, he seems not to care. He says he doesn't..and I believe him. I think as women...(as backwards as it sounds) we want to give our men sons...there is a ....idk what I'm trying to say but I recognize the feeling. I spent a good hour discussing it with Foy this weekend and we have agreed to re-visit the issue next year. I told him too though that this baby-making factory is shutting down soon....meaning we've kinda gotta limited time to get pregnant before I'm proclaiming no more babies. He said,"look how old your Momma is." and he couldn't have said a worse thing. Exactly! I do NOT want to be my mother.

Bummed.

I don't have a reason to feel bummed...things are hunky dorey. I did have some plans tonight that got canceled for one reason or another and I'm kinda bummed about that. I started to go to the movie alone but I was really enjoying my family but now the kids are all in bed and it's just me and Foy and speaking of Foy we've been fighting a lot on his days off. Just arguing about anything and everything. He had the nerve to say something about the house being messy, ggrrrrr. I threw cake at his head for it...cake in a plate (oh, don't get your panties in a wad..it was a paper plate but there was a metal fork involved...ok, it was more over his head). We laughed about it later. I knew the minute he said it I was fixing to launch something at him...happened to be cake...I consider him lucky I wasn't having a glass of water with it.

Anyways, I'm considering the late movie. I went and got us some booze but now I don't think it's the booze I want. I want a club atmosphere. I want loud music, anonymity, the crush of the crowd, the pulse of the music, the smell of pheromones in the air...to some people that all might sound not so good but to me...it sounds and smells familiar. I grew up in that atmosphere...it helped forge me into the person I am now.

So I gotta go and catch this movie...and who knows...maybe I'll go get a drink by myself.." I ain't afraid.."

On the up side, I finally got him to agree that we need new mattresses so those are in the works....he's Internet comparing as we speak and I bet we go get some new ones tomorrow. I want to wait and check out RC Willey. I LOVE RC Willey but he's impatient. He said he wants a better nights sleep NOW, not when we find the time to go to SLC so it looks like it might be John Paras, blech.

Making Love to a Horse

Men like to blame the ladies lack of response in bed to her issues and not his. Maybe he just sucks that bad. I am usually always honest in that department..I mean I usually try to pull the punches with the hubs...you know like, " Better next time, honey. It did FEEL good..just not quite there." Ok, or sometimes I might be like, "Fucking A, this sucks. Next time it's MY turn." Being married to me..isn't always a cake walk..I'm first to admit it. Not that this is often..I mean that the 'elusive big O' doesn't come...but your lying if you say it's there EVERY time for you. I probably have more than the average gal but it's called elusive for a REASON. Point is, if I'm quiet that's usually NOT a good sign. But you have to make me yell and sometimes I think about horses when we're having sex....ok, let me explain that, lol. I think women are like good horse flesh and if you 'ride' her right...guide her, touch all the right places, learn where, how and when..press with your knee to go that way, stroke her here to do that...then you will illicit the response you want. But you have to pay attention. If I freak out and gyrate every time you touch my neck in a certain spot..well, that should be noted. If I turn off when you...I suddenly can't think of ANYTHING that turns me off...this is crazy...but you get what I'm saying. I've always responded to certain things certain ways and if a guy takes notes and pays attention...well, it should be easier the next time.

What happens when Mom needs rescued?

Sometimes I'm sitting in the front seat driving and it feels like all the worries of the world are resting on my shoulders. My mind is going a mile a minute and a million things are piling on me and THEN I hear a little voice say "Mommy" and I look in the rearview and three of the most precious faces I've ever seen are looking at me with a world of trust and love in their eyes and THAT is when my kids rescue me cuz I know looking at those three faces that there isn't ANYTHING in this world I wouldn't do for them and there isn't anything that's not possible and I WILL be ok even if it's only for them and at that moment I know I can handle anything. I feel stronger and like more things are possible than I ever dreamed.

No doom and gloom here!

I'm sitting at Starbucks...I came to knit and listen to the relative quiet but what did I do...wind up on Fb and it shattered my calm somewhat like it often does.

You know I think some people have a lot of crappy days. I'd be really surprised if they had a good day or WAIT, maybe it's not that they didn't have a good day but they don't FB the good day, only the crappy one. Seriously, didn't your Momma tell you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Now I realize that we ALL have bad days and we have the right as friends to listen to someone when they have a bad day, to show empathy, to sympathize but seriously when some people seem to never have a good day it boggles my mind and I get tired of it. My favorite quote on Fb is "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. I try to live by that...obviously I wanna be the former not the latter. I try to spread happiness, not doom and gloom. I want to lift people up, not drag them down in the mire with me. I wanna be half full, not half empty. I want to make people laugh and be a benefit to their life and obviously I want the same of my friends.

Ok, another Fb gripe. Solicitors. Hate it. HATE it.

Carcinoma

So I think I'm ready to say it....I might have skin cancer. The way I see it there is a good possibility.

There really aren't any jokes left when you might have skin cancer. It's really no joking matter.

Before I went to the doc I joked about how I had told Foy that the spot on my arm looked like like cancer and he said, "Uh, how'd you get that?" like cancer was something you "catch" for Christ's sake. Ok, I'll admit it...that is still a funny story but I feel like the jokes on me now.

I hate to be dramatic. I feel a little bit ridiculous that I feel this way but I know I've probably said it before...sometimes you can't explain WHY you feel that way, you just do.

So about how I feel....I feel freaked out. And I don't even know anything for sure yet and won't til the biopsy results come back. Ok, here's the story. The doc said that it looked like carcinoma, a slow growing skin cancer but the biopsy would tell them what type and how much tissue they needed to take.

Honestly, I'm so scared I can't even google it. I can't even google it!! And that's not the usual me. I like to be informed. I like to know the answer before I ask .....but it feels like if I google it...if I find the info then it makes it true. It means it WILL happen...that's kinda how I feel about talking about it and I can't believe I'm being THAT person. I've always ridiculed people who I thought that were being idiots by denying the facts and acting like not talking about them made them not so, DENIAL. I've always thought, whats the point?

I think I've read or heard somewhere when people get news like CANCER they go through the stages of grief like losing someone (I guess if I googled it then I'd know, right?). Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and loss.

Anyways, I have to walk around doing my duck act (it's water rolling off my back) and acting like I'm not a normal human being that's freaked the fuck out. There I said it I'm scared and I'm freaked out. And don't tell me that it might not be so and don't tell me it's gonna be alright. Don't try to justify my feelings away...believe me, if it could be done I would have succeeded myself. Truth is I tried to be "ok" and the REAL truth is...I am NOT ok and more truth, I can't seem to tell anyone I'm not ok.

I had to tell my hubby on the phone cuz he's been gone for a week or so...he's been gone since I found out anyways. I didn't wanna freak out on him cuz he has a job to do. He needs to know I can hold down the fort here right. He needs me to be capable and strong. I told my mother but she has enough on her plate and she's far away...me freaking out is just gonna make her freak out and feel like shit cuz we're so far away. And a friend knows....but I'd feel like a baby freaking out on her...first off, cuz I don't cry in front of people cuz I don't ever know what to do when people put me in that position plus she's had skin cancer, melanoma...so I'd mostly feel like a big baby freaking out to her over a little possible carcinoma.

But truth is I get tired of being the one who is "ok". The one who doesn't get to have a bad day or need people cuz I'm the other person..I'm "the strong one" ...I'm the one people lean on, not the other way but really I'm tired.

But telling you, blog, all about it really does help plus I broke my silence by telling my good friend Nikki all about it today. We've shared a lot and I've tried to help her and be understanding when she went through things and it felt good to say her like we tell each other all the time "you get me" and I don't feel like I have to excuse myself to her...I can just say "this is how it is."

A Time to Concede, and a Time to Stand.

I made this comment earlier:

"OH, I would only like it if I was the ONLY one running around. I'm sure if everyone told me what they thought it wouldn't be 'the best day ever.' ;) I enjoy people who don't try to change themselves around. It's like religion. I may not mind going to Rated R movies but I respect Roxie for her beliefs in not going. If she won't ask me to change, I won't ask her to change and we can like each other just fine. That's just an example but how I feel about pretty much everything. SOMETIMES your just NOT meant to be friends. You know sometimes you have to have SOMETHING in common to be friends....things are best when you don't force them. I do think you can learn things and broaden your horizons but fundamentally you shouldn't become someone else to make people like you. Its usually gonna end in disaster anyways."

I wanted to expound on the topic. It's not to say that I would not concede if Roxie wanted to go to the movies and I wanted to see a rated R movie. I might concede to see the second on my "wanna see" list that is NOT rated R. Obviously her friendship means more to me than a movie BUT (and poor Roxie, I'm only using her as an example) if she were to say, "I can't be your friend if your not Mormon" then that would would not be a concession I would or should make. There are such large concessions that you could make that would fundamentally change or effect who you ARE at the roots that they should not be tampered with and then there are the concessions we make because we like our friends and we want to be agreeable. Like in a marriage, there has to be some give and take but not concessions in your personality that change your fundamental makeup. And SOMETIMES you can make so many small concessions that you'll realize that you've prostatuted yourself in one small piece at a time and lost your beliefs, lost yourself. "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. You've got to be your own man, not a puppet on a string. Never compromise what's right..." Aaron Tippin.

So I can be agreeable and agree to disagree up to a point and then there is a point where I would have to fundamentally change myself and my beliefs to continue to be your friend and that, would be the breaking point. Sometimes if people are having to make TOO many compromises or concessions to be friends then it might be best if they just part ways. There is only so many times I could "bite my tongue" before it would be bitten off...or grievously injured at least.

I want to be a good friend. I can be a good friend. I have friends to prove it. I think bite your tongue a few times and remain friends to mostly enjoy each others company but bite your tongue til your in danger of serious injury..well, you probably don't have a lot in common.
I would not ask this person to change SO many things about themselves to please me. What kind of friend would that be? Better to part ways and let them continue on in their beliefs unmolested than ask them to change for me because alas, I would NOT change for them.