So I had a bad day...

So yesterday was a bad day. YES, I have bad days too. Not like a fight or upsetting day...just a bad one. A down in the dumps day. You know those where you feel low inside and maybe you can't even pin point WHAT exactly is making you feel that way. Well, it started out ok and then...I just started feeling bummed. BUT I'm one of those ppl that refuse to let things get me down. I feel myself headed down this path and I start scrambling to fight out of it. I decided to buy some new upbeat music (Music saves me so much!) and get a shower, put on some comfy clothes and do some UNNECESSARY shopping, the best kind. At first it seemed the day was just destined to SUCK. It seemed everything was going wrong. I couldn't get my ipod to download the music so I tried 'homesharing' (long story) on the other computer and had to re-load Itunes which takes forever and then I thought we didn't have any CD's (cuz I was just gonna burn a CD) BUT then I discovered some BUT they were the wrong kind. And this is just my MUSIC issues. Aaaaahhhh...The baby's diaper leaked pee. I was going to get the girls soccer uniforms and spent about 30-45 minutes looking for the damn address. Kylie and Lexie wanted to eat at McD because her school was doing a fundraiser there AND I was at Walmart and drove ALL the way across town to feel like a dumbass because of course, it was the McD with the playground. I really just wanted to go home but we needed to eat so I thought I'd get takeout from Chopstix (new restaurant in town) but the girls decided to eat there AND there my day finally went right. It was delicious and I THOUGHT fairly inexpensive. The rest of my night went fairly well. It was nice that for ONCE my day wasn't going bad or worse because of the kids acting up because the kids were being perfect. It was just ME. It did take longer to turn my day around than it normally does. I don't normally LET myself have a bad day...I start working to turn it around and it happens pretty fast but yesterday..well, it just wouldn't get better...

I was calling Foy to tell him about how I felt cuz I needed to tell someone. And I was trying to be completely honest with WHY I felt that way...I needed to know why I felt BAD. So I decided to pinpoint the exact moment I felt bad and I discovered that my problem WAS ...(drum roll please) that I have ALOT of friends but no BEST FRIEND. Most of the time I don't find this to bother me but some days...like yesterday...I start feeling like there's gotta be a reason, right. I mean I know I got faults like everyone else but I try. There have been moments in my life after all where I have had 'best' friends or really good ones at least but something always happens and maybe that's my fault. Maybe I have a problem with intimacy or letting ppl close to me or maybe I'm annoying or just one of those ppl that ppl want to be friends with BUT they can't handle too much of. IDK what it is and like I said, it mostly doesn't bother me but yesterday two of my mutual friends (who are best friends) were planning to do things together like always and I felt left out. I felt unloved. And I know that I'm not their best friend and I have no right pushing myself in where I'm not wanted...BECAUSE no matter WHAT I will not be that person.

I think that these feelings I have..I remember them and that's why I always work hard to include everyone (well, almost everyone) when I do something. I've pretty much felt this way my whole life and I never want other ppl to feel this way. I never want someone to feel left out or unwanted because I've been there and that's no way to feel. I've always been the odd one out and I've gotten use to doing things on my own and being ok with it. I've always read alot which is an activity that you do ALONE and I'm not sure if I picked the activity or it picked me because I've always been a loner. I've always been comfortable in my own head and skin. Even when I was in my teens I could go to a restaurant or a movie or a fair or the beach or anywhere else by myself and be perfectly fine. I thought that's why I didn't have a best friend because ultimately I don't NEED one. I can be with myself, by myself and still have a good time. Actually I NEED this sometimes. I actually need to go have coffee or go eat or go to a movie alone and some ppl never get that about me. I need the silence. I need the time inside my head when it's ok NOT to say anything. BUT just because I'm a loner at heart and I've got this upbeat tough outlook doesn't mean that I'm always ok with it or that I'm always ok alone. I mean anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm very social too. I love a big crowd with lots of ppl and tons of talk and I like to invite ppl to do things with me and attend functions or activities where there is socializing. I guess I'm both and most days 99% of them--I'm ok with that but just some days ..yesterday..was a hard day. I wanted a best friend to do things with ALL the time but TODAY I'm ok again. Just a bad day ..that to did pass.

I also want to point out that in a way I DO have a best friend. My husband. I share everything with him and when I was down--who did I call but him. He's there for me BUT he works so he can't always come when I need him or be here to do everything with me. BUT he is my best friend...just not a GIRL best friend so he gets things but not EVERYTHING about me. And that's ok too. ;)

P.S. This occured to me after I had already posted but maybe I don't have a best friend because in order to do that--one of you has to be the 'follower'. One of you has to give a little of yourself up to make it work. I'm never willing to give on ANY point. I'm willing to agree that we'll disagree but if your looking for me to agree with everything you say or like everything you like or be just like you in order for it to work then that's not me. I'm not that person. I was born with a brain, with a free will...I have a car, kids, home and the freedom to do what I want, when I want and THAT I will not give up for any friendship. Maybe I'm too much of a freethinker to have a best friend...or maybe no one likes that I'm so independent. My husband has always accepted that in me. He's accepted the fact that I'm with him because I WANT to be but not because I NEED to be. Anyways, just another thought on the subject...

Do you have a NEED?

I was on Facebook today (SURPRISE!) and one of the girls I went to h.s. with (I hesitate in calling her a friend.) had made a status update about a baseball game that her son was playing that was in overtime and she said to pray about it. SERIOUSLY, I'm gonna pray about that. SERIOUSLY, she wants to bother God with a BASEBALL GAME. I'm sure he wouldn't be bothered but can you say, get your priorities straight?! My mind is boggled. I am BOGGLED at this behavior. I mean she cares so much for this elementary aged boys baseball game that she's asking for my prayers on the subject. I just don't know....I don't know...People are out there dying of cancer, children are being sent to bed hungry, being abused, our country is going down the drain and she wants MY PRAYERS FOR HER SONS BASEBALL GAME. I'm speechless.

I miss going to church. I need to find one.

When I was at church on Easter Sunday the pastor (as always) asked you to raise your hand if you had any unspoken needs (after the spoken needs) before prayer and I always evaluate myself here and ... I never raise my hand. Some of the ppl raising their hand, well I know their unspoken need and some I don't but I figure if we're going to pray about it then it should be serious. I don't have illness in the family, none of us are near poverty or involved in drugs or other 'bad for you' activities...I always figure that someone elses need must be greater than mine..like the lady two rows over whose son is killing himself with alcoholism or the lady across the aisle whose daughter-in-laws are having an argument that is tearing their family apart or the lady over there whose son is dying of luekemia. These ppl HAVE NEEDS. I may have some wants but I don't have any needs...not like that, Thank God. I mean I could always use a blessing, Lord knows I've been blessed.

I reserve the right to GO NUTS and think for myself!

Every time I'm on vaca I get these really great ideas for a blog and then when I go to write I can't remember a damn one.

We spent most of the time with my Mom and I feel safe in writing this because the woman has no idea about the Internet, let alone how to work it it....she drives me NUTS. Well, lots of ppl drive me nuts, seriously. My hubby always wants to know why I talk to or hang out with ppl who drive me nuts and (other than my family cuz I got no choice) I really have no idea. And then I decided the other day it was because I wouldn't have anything to bitch about or talk about or gossip about if it wasn't for some ppl in my life that drive me nuts. Maybe I should be thankful for these ppl that drive me NUTS because somehow they make me feel so SANE. ;)

My Mom and I had this long discussion about 'friends.'. She insists she doesn't have friends because they are always trying to 'change' her..make her believe what they believe, make her see how what they do is better or right..that they can't simple be her friend and agree to disagree on the subject and while I was listening to her (God, she was getting on my nerves.) I was thinking 'what a crock of shit'. She doesn't have friends because she befriends ppl who are as looney as she is OR they aren't looney and soon decides that she is. She's forever one of those ppl that if they don't have enough drama then they have to make some. And for her to say she's an 'agree to disagree' person drives me NUTS too. She spends her time trying to convince me that everyone should home school their kids and blah blah blah. She has an opinion about everything I do but in all fairness she is usually pretty good about keeping her trap shut. Honestly, I think she was spending more time trying to convince herself that what she was doing was right than she was trying to convince me to do it. I wanna know what happened to everyone having their own opinion and that being ok. I'm just a stubborn enough kinda person that the more someone tries to shove something on me the less likely it becomes that I'll do it EVEN if I realize that it might be 'better' for me. I just refused to be bullied about a damn thing. And that makes me think of breastfeeding along with the homeschooling issue (what happened to doing what the fuck I wanna do?). What am I --a retard? I get that's it better for my baby and better for me and I know about all the damn studies and I honestly don't give a flying fuck about your opinion other than your opinion makes me want to stand on the other side of the argument and yell 'FREEDOM'. Freedom to choose what I wanna do. My children are healthy and happy and a damn site smarter and more well-adjusted than the average kid AND I DIDN'T BREASTFEED--OMG. A whole generation was raised without breastfeeding...a whole shitload of ppl and somehow we got where we are today.I'm free to make that choice for myself and if I wanted literature or articles (like I haven't read all the baby books myself) about it---I'd fucking ask you. And yeah, I might be bitter about the subject..actually I'm not bitter. I want to breastfeed. I openly admit that and admit that I have tried and couldn't do it (not for physical reasons but for sanity reasons and honestly lack of support when I needed it) and all I need is someone thrusting their literature in my face and telling me what I already know. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY -- GOOD FOR YOU..pat yourself on the fucking back and get over it. Or better yet, how 'bout you decide what's best for you and yours and DO IT and leave me and mine to make that decision for ourselves. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I need advice or opinions (and you'll find I rarely do since I'm full of my own ;) then I'll ask..

Despite having said this, I DO WANT to breastfeed my next child but would someone please shoot me if I go parading around and thrusting literature, articles, etc. in your face and trying to (in other words) tell you that what you chose to do, what you are doing is WRONG. It's not wrong to bottle feed or send your kid to public school...And I know these 'well meaning' ppl (because they always are) would tell me that it was 'just there if I wanted to read it' that they thought 'maybe I didn't know' or other such placating things. Well, guess what-- IT'S EVERYWHERE. It's in the newspaper, it's in every Moms magazine you pick up, it's mentioned in new stories often...I mean I GET IT..just because I'm not changing my mind and follow along behind you like cattle doesn't mean I don't get it. It just means maybe, just maybe I think I'm doing what's best for me and my own children. SO THERE! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I think some of this has accumulated and some is from my sister also (sorta another issue). She saw me heating the babies bottles and baby food jars and was like 'we'd never do that at the daycare' and she saw me hold my 11 month old babies bottle and she was like 'at the daycare we'd say she was lazy and why hadn't her Mom taught her to hold her bottle'. SURPRISE! I DON'T RAISE MY KIDS LIKE A DAYCARE. I raise my kids like I want to and I will continue doing that despite pressure from other ppl. I'll make choices for me and my own and you do the same and let's live with that--and agree we're different and enjoy those differences and learn from them.

I have to admit I have to bite my tongue ALL THE TIME and even sometimes I am not successful. I mean there are things I feel strongly about that I want to discuss with ppl and breastfeeding is not always on the bottom of the list. Some of my friends feel it's gross or unnatural and despite the fact that I didn't do it I still think it's beautiful and wonderful and perfect BUT I work hard to let them have their own opinions and respect them and not ask them to change for me or to listen to me 'preach' about what I think is right for them. Friendship should be more about acceptance than change.

And I think enjoying the differences and not trying to make ppl just like you can be rewarding if you let it. I am blessed with a diverse group of friends that I really, REALLY enjoy and I love that we're from all different backgrounds, religions, opinions...our walk of life have been different and hopefully they'll continue to be and they'll broaden my horizons and I'll broaden theirs and we can continue to be friends and love and accept our differences. I hope (think) that I have found friends that do not want to change me or make me a cookie cutter of who they are or what they think but respect me because I DO have my own opinions and I will not bow to someone elses version of me that I should be.

And if you don't like me because I had a differing opinion from you OR because I voiced it then maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe you should try to go be friends with someone who you 'think' is just like you and we'll see how that works out...

I love the differences in all my friends...it gives me something to bitch about to my husband..lol. 'Honey, do you know what they are doing, you want believe this...'. I DO NOT agree with all my friends but I hold my tongue and resolve to like them even though they chose to be different than me. :) I actual revel in the differences. I like to ask questions because I was born with an inquiring mind and I wanna know. Maybe I like to hear the differences because I think my way is better BUT I'd never tell you that because I believe in your right to choose (well, except for my sis maybe) and I believe in your right to make mistakes and learn from them (cuz we know I'm right) and I will avoid saying ' I told you so' because I didn't tell you so...I only 'thought' it.

Wow, this is EXACTLY why I don't blog late at night in a 'foreign' country. ;) TEXAS. Because I get CRAZY and start speaking my mind (I think) until I decide maybe I don't even know my own mind and that I should just SHUT UP. So g'nite all.

P.S. I would like to know why when I do spell check that it always wants me to capitalize Internet. Big, whoop-di-do, I suppose Bill Gates thinks his 'invention' deserves a capital ... WELL, from now on, I REFUSE. I reserve the right TO NOT CAPITALIZE if I don't want to so THERE. HA.

Go ahead and say something NICE, I dare ya!

Sometimes we hold our good words or our compliments to ourselves like they are gold or like if we spend them then we are giving something of ourselves instead of just making someone else feel better.
Words have so much power and they are so easy to drop about when we're angry or not feeling well...well, they need to be that easy to come when we having something nice to say too.
We need to quit being so stingy with them and get them out there...they are not costing you anything and could be invaluable to someone else. I mean it's the one gift you can give that will ALWAYS make someone feel good and money doesn't have to leave your pocket...so go ahead, go out there and say something NICE to someone today.

Or sometimes we find it so easy to compliment a stranger or a friend yet we begrudge the ppl closest to us...our family, our kids, our spouse. Maybe because we're embarrassed or it makes us feel vulnerable...BUT we need to get over that. Go ahead and give a little piece of yourself to those you love the most. Tell 'em you love them EVERY DAY and not just on a special occasion. Tell 'em their special, tell 'em why, tell 'em you can't live without 'em, tell 'em they are beautiful, neat, special, HOT, sexy, kind, perfect, angelic, funny...There are a billion things you could tell someone to make their day. Let's lift ppl up and spend less time tearing them down. I consider it one of the best rules to live by 'If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything AT ALL.' :D

ME..Well, I'm FAT and HAPPY! You?

People go around looking for happiness like it's gonna be found in a department store or a certain house or a job or that dress you been wanting ... happiness is not something found on the outside. It's something within yourself...it's a way of looking at the circumstances around you and finding the best in them...it's realizing all the things that are free that bring you happiness...parks, playgrounds, museums, friends, flowers, sunny skies, pretty days, your kids (not that they are free but you know what I mean)...That reminds me of something I read on one of my friends page ...something along the lines of 'if your better than me then congratulations.' WELL, you may call it conceited but I absolutely refuse to believe that anyone is BETTER than me. People are different than me but they are no better than me. Some ppl may have more money or better acting kids or a bigger house or a better attitude or nicer clothes or a bigger car (I could go on..) BUT NO ONE is better than me. I would never say that..I believe that I am all that I could be and ...while I'm on the subject I'm so SICK of apologizing for my cheerful attitude or acting like I've done something wrong because I'm so positive. You know if your unhappy with my happiness ...well, screw you. Get use to me because I'm not gonna change anytime soon. I spent the large majority of my life being unhappy. Unhappy because I was forced through my upbringing to be someone I wasn't..to dress like someone I wasn't. I was judged solely on things that I couldn't change...the way I had to dress or wear my hair. I spent the large part of my life trying to be the someone else that somebody wanted me to be...to be what other people needed AND only since I met, married my husband and struck out on my own have I found and realized that I LOVE me and I'm not gonna apologize for that. So I'm not being what anyone else needs me to be anymore..I'm being myself. I finally found out what I want, who I am and I'm not putting that away because someone doesn't like it. I genuinely like myself and if you don't like me then..I'm sorry. It took me this long to find myself and NO ONE IS GONNA MAKE ME PUT THAT AWAY AGAIN. Your not gonna make me hide my sunshine..hide the parts of me that make me unique. I lived in that tyranny one time and once you've found your way out..ain't nobody sticking you back in a corner.
We were at Moms Nite In one night and several girls were discussing the workout videos they were using and someone turned to me and ask which one I used and I said..I don't use one. I'm fat and HAPPY. It's like ppl look at me and think I'm wrong because I'm ok with my weight. Or because I don't hate myself or I'm not trying to be your idea of what's perfect. I'm ME...I'm happy with myself and I'm sorry if that bugs you. All I can say is get happy with me. Quit letting someone else tell you how you should look, or how your house should look or your kids or your hair...Don't let them tell you what car you should drive or how much makeup you should wear or what brand..all that matters is if your happy with yourself and then I promise..it sounds SO cliche but it's true..everything else will fall in place.

What have we gained, what have we lost?

If a whole village REALLY did raise a child, it would be so much easier.

I'm mostly accustomed to my modern comforts...electricity, plumbling, indoor toilets...but sometimes I feel that in the modernization we might have lost something. I hope we didn't lose ourselves. Before blogs, social networking, texting...ppl hand wrote a letter and when we research our ancesters today we look for pieces of paper that we can hold in our hand and smell and feel the weight of...what will our children look for? What will they find?

Childhood: Seize it!

Kylie has failed two hearing test at school and we have an appt. with an audiologist on Tuesday.

Sometimes I think I may be the meanest person in the world and other times I feel like a tiny bit of putty or a rubber ball being kicked around or like a leaf being blown by the wind...I feel delicate and soft and like I will break. I mostly feel this way when it comes to my children.

It started me thinking (the phone call from the nurse) about diseases and cancers that effect children....how very VERY awful is that. One of the most beautiful gifts we've ever been given and how must that feel as a parent. When something is WRONG with my child I want it to be something I can fix..something I can medicate, give her my lung, heck I'd give her my heart but what about those times when you cant DO anything. That's got to be the God awfulest feeling in the whole wide world. I can imagine at times like that is when I would hold solid to my belief in God because what else could you do...as I write this I say a prayer for all the children out there...for the lost, the lonely, the ones going to bed on an empty tummy or with a need of any kind...NO CHILD should have anything but the happiest childhood full of wonderful memories. Childhood (as I am fond of saying) is for laughter and light and fun and hugs and candy...childhood is fleeting and we must seize it and make the most of it..for them.