I reserve the right to GO NUTS and think for myself!

Every time I'm on vaca I get these really great ideas for a blog and then when I go to write I can't remember a damn one.

We spent most of the time with my Mom and I feel safe in writing this because the woman has no idea about the Internet, let alone how to work it it....she drives me NUTS. Well, lots of ppl drive me nuts, seriously. My hubby always wants to know why I talk to or hang out with ppl who drive me nuts and (other than my family cuz I got no choice) I really have no idea. And then I decided the other day it was because I wouldn't have anything to bitch about or talk about or gossip about if it wasn't for some ppl in my life that drive me nuts. Maybe I should be thankful for these ppl that drive me NUTS because somehow they make me feel so SANE. ;)

My Mom and I had this long discussion about 'friends.'. She insists she doesn't have friends because they are always trying to 'change' her..make her believe what they believe, make her see how what they do is better or right..that they can't simple be her friend and agree to disagree on the subject and while I was listening to her (God, she was getting on my nerves.) I was thinking 'what a crock of shit'. She doesn't have friends because she befriends ppl who are as looney as she is OR they aren't looney and soon decides that she is. She's forever one of those ppl that if they don't have enough drama then they have to make some. And for her to say she's an 'agree to disagree' person drives me NUTS too. She spends her time trying to convince me that everyone should home school their kids and blah blah blah. She has an opinion about everything I do but in all fairness she is usually pretty good about keeping her trap shut. Honestly, I think she was spending more time trying to convince herself that what she was doing was right than she was trying to convince me to do it. I wanna know what happened to everyone having their own opinion and that being ok. I'm just a stubborn enough kinda person that the more someone tries to shove something on me the less likely it becomes that I'll do it EVEN if I realize that it might be 'better' for me. I just refused to be bullied about a damn thing. And that makes me think of breastfeeding along with the homeschooling issue (what happened to doing what the fuck I wanna do?). What am I --a retard? I get that's it better for my baby and better for me and I know about all the damn studies and I honestly don't give a flying fuck about your opinion other than your opinion makes me want to stand on the other side of the argument and yell 'FREEDOM'. Freedom to choose what I wanna do. My children are healthy and happy and a damn site smarter and more well-adjusted than the average kid AND I DIDN'T BREASTFEED--OMG. A whole generation was raised without breastfeeding...a whole shitload of ppl and somehow we got where we are today.I'm free to make that choice for myself and if I wanted literature or articles (like I haven't read all the baby books myself) about it---I'd fucking ask you. And yeah, I might be bitter about the subject..actually I'm not bitter. I want to breastfeed. I openly admit that and admit that I have tried and couldn't do it (not for physical reasons but for sanity reasons and honestly lack of support when I needed it) and all I need is someone thrusting their literature in my face and telling me what I already know. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY -- GOOD FOR YOU..pat yourself on the fucking back and get over it. Or better yet, how 'bout you decide what's best for you and yours and DO IT and leave me and mine to make that decision for ourselves. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I need advice or opinions (and you'll find I rarely do since I'm full of my own ;) then I'll ask..

Despite having said this, I DO WANT to breastfeed my next child but would someone please shoot me if I go parading around and thrusting literature, articles, etc. in your face and trying to (in other words) tell you that what you chose to do, what you are doing is WRONG. It's not wrong to bottle feed or send your kid to public school...And I know these 'well meaning' ppl (because they always are) would tell me that it was 'just there if I wanted to read it' that they thought 'maybe I didn't know' or other such placating things. Well, guess what-- IT'S EVERYWHERE. It's in the newspaper, it's in every Moms magazine you pick up, it's mentioned in new stories often...I mean I GET IT..just because I'm not changing my mind and follow along behind you like cattle doesn't mean I don't get it. It just means maybe, just maybe I think I'm doing what's best for me and my own children. SO THERE! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I think some of this has accumulated and some is from my sister also (sorta another issue). She saw me heating the babies bottles and baby food jars and was like 'we'd never do that at the daycare' and she saw me hold my 11 month old babies bottle and she was like 'at the daycare we'd say she was lazy and why hadn't her Mom taught her to hold her bottle'. SURPRISE! I DON'T RAISE MY KIDS LIKE A DAYCARE. I raise my kids like I want to and I will continue doing that despite pressure from other ppl. I'll make choices for me and my own and you do the same and let's live with that--and agree we're different and enjoy those differences and learn from them.

I have to admit I have to bite my tongue ALL THE TIME and even sometimes I am not successful. I mean there are things I feel strongly about that I want to discuss with ppl and breastfeeding is not always on the bottom of the list. Some of my friends feel it's gross or unnatural and despite the fact that I didn't do it I still think it's beautiful and wonderful and perfect BUT I work hard to let them have their own opinions and respect them and not ask them to change for me or to listen to me 'preach' about what I think is right for them. Friendship should be more about acceptance than change.

And I think enjoying the differences and not trying to make ppl just like you can be rewarding if you let it. I am blessed with a diverse group of friends that I really, REALLY enjoy and I love that we're from all different backgrounds, religions, opinions...our walk of life have been different and hopefully they'll continue to be and they'll broaden my horizons and I'll broaden theirs and we can continue to be friends and love and accept our differences. I hope (think) that I have found friends that do not want to change me or make me a cookie cutter of who they are or what they think but respect me because I DO have my own opinions and I will not bow to someone elses version of me that I should be.

And if you don't like me because I had a differing opinion from you OR because I voiced it then maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe you should try to go be friends with someone who you 'think' is just like you and we'll see how that works out...

I love the differences in all my friends...it gives me something to bitch about to my husband..lol. 'Honey, do you know what they are doing, you want believe this...'. I DO NOT agree with all my friends but I hold my tongue and resolve to like them even though they chose to be different than me. :) I actual revel in the differences. I like to ask questions because I was born with an inquiring mind and I wanna know. Maybe I like to hear the differences because I think my way is better BUT I'd never tell you that because I believe in your right to choose (well, except for my sis maybe) and I believe in your right to make mistakes and learn from them (cuz we know I'm right) and I will avoid saying ' I told you so' because I didn't tell you so...I only 'thought' it.

Wow, this is EXACTLY why I don't blog late at night in a 'foreign' country. ;) TEXAS. Because I get CRAZY and start speaking my mind (I think) until I decide maybe I don't even know my own mind and that I should just SHUT UP. So g'nite all.

P.S. I would like to know why when I do spell check that it always wants me to capitalize Internet. Big, whoop-di-do, I suppose Bill Gates thinks his 'invention' deserves a capital ... WELL, from now on, I REFUSE. I reserve the right TO NOT CAPITALIZE if I don't want to so THERE. HA.

Go ahead and say something NICE, I dare ya!

Sometimes we hold our good words or our compliments to ourselves like they are gold or like if we spend them then we are giving something of ourselves instead of just making someone else feel better.
Words have so much power and they are so easy to drop about when we're angry or not feeling well...well, they need to be that easy to come when we having something nice to say too.
We need to quit being so stingy with them and get them out there...they are not costing you anything and could be invaluable to someone else. I mean it's the one gift you can give that will ALWAYS make someone feel good and money doesn't have to leave your pocket...so go ahead, go out there and say something NICE to someone today.

Or sometimes we find it so easy to compliment a stranger or a friend yet we begrudge the ppl closest to us...our family, our kids, our spouse. Maybe because we're embarrassed or it makes us feel vulnerable...BUT we need to get over that. Go ahead and give a little piece of yourself to those you love the most. Tell 'em you love them EVERY DAY and not just on a special occasion. Tell 'em their special, tell 'em why, tell 'em you can't live without 'em, tell 'em they are beautiful, neat, special, HOT, sexy, kind, perfect, angelic, funny...There are a billion things you could tell someone to make their day. Let's lift ppl up and spend less time tearing them down. I consider it one of the best rules to live by 'If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything AT ALL.' :D

ME..Well, I'm FAT and HAPPY! You?

People go around looking for happiness like it's gonna be found in a department store or a certain house or a job or that dress you been wanting ... happiness is not something found on the outside. It's something within yourself...it's a way of looking at the circumstances around you and finding the best in them...it's realizing all the things that are free that bring you happiness...parks, playgrounds, museums, friends, flowers, sunny skies, pretty days, your kids (not that they are free but you know what I mean)...That reminds me of something I read on one of my friends page ...something along the lines of 'if your better than me then congratulations.' WELL, you may call it conceited but I absolutely refuse to believe that anyone is BETTER than me. People are different than me but they are no better than me. Some ppl may have more money or better acting kids or a bigger house or a better attitude or nicer clothes or a bigger car (I could go on..) BUT NO ONE is better than me. I would never say that..I believe that I am all that I could be and ...while I'm on the subject I'm so SICK of apologizing for my cheerful attitude or acting like I've done something wrong because I'm so positive. You know if your unhappy with my happiness ...well, screw you. Get use to me because I'm not gonna change anytime soon. I spent the large majority of my life being unhappy. Unhappy because I was forced through my upbringing to be someone I wasn't..to dress like someone I wasn't. I was judged solely on things that I couldn't change...the way I had to dress or wear my hair. I spent the large part of my life trying to be the someone else that somebody wanted me to be...to be what other people needed AND only since I met, married my husband and struck out on my own have I found and realized that I LOVE me and I'm not gonna apologize for that. So I'm not being what anyone else needs me to be anymore..I'm being myself. I finally found out what I want, who I am and I'm not putting that away because someone doesn't like it. I genuinely like myself and if you don't like me then..I'm sorry. It took me this long to find myself and NO ONE IS GONNA MAKE ME PUT THAT AWAY AGAIN. Your not gonna make me hide my sunshine..hide the parts of me that make me unique. I lived in that tyranny one time and once you've found your way out..ain't nobody sticking you back in a corner.
We were at Moms Nite In one night and several girls were discussing the workout videos they were using and someone turned to me and ask which one I used and I said..I don't use one. I'm fat and HAPPY. It's like ppl look at me and think I'm wrong because I'm ok with my weight. Or because I don't hate myself or I'm not trying to be your idea of what's perfect. I'm ME...I'm happy with myself and I'm sorry if that bugs you. All I can say is get happy with me. Quit letting someone else tell you how you should look, or how your house should look or your kids or your hair...Don't let them tell you what car you should drive or how much makeup you should wear or what brand..all that matters is if your happy with yourself and then I promise..it sounds SO cliche but it's true..everything else will fall in place.

What have we gained, what have we lost?

If a whole village REALLY did raise a child, it would be so much easier.

I'm mostly accustomed to my modern comforts...electricity, plumbling, indoor toilets...but sometimes I feel that in the modernization we might have lost something. I hope we didn't lose ourselves. Before blogs, social networking, texting...ppl hand wrote a letter and when we research our ancesters today we look for pieces of paper that we can hold in our hand and smell and feel the weight of...what will our children look for? What will they find?

Childhood: Seize it!

Kylie has failed two hearing test at school and we have an appt. with an audiologist on Tuesday.

Sometimes I think I may be the meanest person in the world and other times I feel like a tiny bit of putty or a rubber ball being kicked around or like a leaf being blown by the wind...I feel delicate and soft and like I will break. I mostly feel this way when it comes to my children.

It started me thinking (the phone call from the nurse) about diseases and cancers that effect children....how very VERY awful is that. One of the most beautiful gifts we've ever been given and how must that feel as a parent. When something is WRONG with my child I want it to be something I can fix..something I can medicate, give her my lung, heck I'd give her my heart but what about those times when you cant DO anything. That's got to be the God awfulest feeling in the whole wide world. I can imagine at times like that is when I would hold solid to my belief in God because what else could you do...as I write this I say a prayer for all the children out there...for the lost, the lonely, the ones going to bed on an empty tummy or with a need of any kind...NO CHILD should have anything but the happiest childhood full of wonderful memories. Childhood (as I am fond of saying) is for laughter and light and fun and hugs and candy...childhood is fleeting and we must seize it and make the most of it..for them.

To War or Not to War

Oh gosh, it's been so long. We're all doing well here and that should dispense with the nicesties. <--ok, sometimes I make up my own words. The girls are getting big and they are beautiful as always. HEY, we might even have another one one of these days...

You know I may have posted about this before...I guess I should label my post better but I would just like to post on the fact that I am FREAKIN' Amazing Mom but I'm so much MORE than that. I'm a good wife, lover, friend, Mom, sister, daughter, grandaughter,...I am endless possibilities. You know I was recently reading a book and it spoke about how when a woman dies it is sadder than when a man does and when questioned why this man thought so he said something that I thought was meaningful and beautiful...When a woman dies, with her dies endless possibilities. Her man, a man, protects and provides for his family but she can always find another one of these but with her dies more than that. I don't know if he meant it as such but I also like to think that a woman is full of eggs and she alone can nurture with her body those eggs and the children that they will make...I mean from woman comes all HUMANITY. The man might provide the sperm but he cannot carry, bear or even care for those children like a woman can...like a real woman can. Because in pointing this out I must point out those that do not conform to this description..women who are crappy mothers because there are those out there too. NOT as many women fail at being great Moms as men fail at being great Fathers but I think they are notable because I find them the most disgusting and degrading of all. We, women, are made to nurture..do you know I was thinking the other day that's why women aren't made for war. I was watching "Hurt Locker" and it's about the war and it shows men...men doing things that I don't know, as women, if we COULD do because we're not meant to. We are made for nurturing and caring and I would like to point out that that does not mean we CAN'T fight but we will fight only when backed into a corner mostly, we will fight when protecting our homes or our children. We don't fight because we like it or we have blood lust ...we fight to save what we nurture. That's why I was thinking that if there were (God forbid!) war IN this country that directly threatened my home or children then I would be more willing, eager even, to pick up my 'sword and shield' so to speak and protect me and my own. And I also might add that women are usually ferocious fighters when backed into a corner. We're notable for our voracity and tenacity. You think having an arguement with a woman is difficult, you should see what will happen if you threaten her or most of all her children. We will die to protect them. We will kill to protect them ...and no one NO ONE should ever doubt this.

P.S. I would like to point out that when speaking of women in general I know that we are all not the same ...I was mostly speaking of myself and my feelings.

P.S. 2 In speaking of fighting I mean fighting like war, to the death...not the argument you have with your spouse or the neighbor next door. I meant picking up your gun or your knife with the intent to kill another human being..

It's been awhile since I blogged. Too busy living life to write about it. Life is taking up all my time. I've been going through something...not sure what it is but with 30 looming around the corner...I've been distracted, moody, up and down,...riding the roller coaster of life. I mean my marriage is in better shape than ever. My kids are happy. It's just something within myself. Something I've been trying to keep to myself. I'm not unhappy just feeling restless. I've been spending some time with the 'what ifs' of life and I'm finding that the life I have now is the best one I could have had. I've contacted and spoke to old acquaintances, boyfriends, friends, lovers...Just spending some time in the past which isn't like me. I'm usually one to always look to the future. I guess turning 30 has made me turn backwards. I've been considering a tattoo...spending time reliving the 'glory days' of old..I guess turning 30 is doing a number on me which I totally expected. Sometimes it seems this phase of my life (whatever it is) has passed and other times it feels like I'm dead center in the middle of it. Maybe I need a change..not a big one if a little one would do. I don't know anymore..I just don't know..