Inside my Tiny Brain

Science is on the wrong path.

I mean, do you know what I should be doing right now? Washing clothes. Do you know what I'll be doing next week? Washing clothes. Do you know what I'll be doing the week after that and the week after that...guess? Right! SSOOOOO...I've got a great idea for an invention. I just need someone to get on it right away. Ok? I need someone to invent ONE suit of clothes per person that does not wear out, is one size fits all so my 2 year old and myself can wear the same size ( I know that's a big order), and is universal. I also need a little machine that is portable and tiny that can easily be installed in every bedroom around the world and that my 2 year old can operate that cleans this one suit of clothes every night SO that I may never have to wash the same clothes and do the same things over and over again. Just think what I could do with my extra time....I mean inside this tiny brain of mine could be the cure for cancer, or a great invention that instantly (and cheaply) completely gets rid of our need for oil, or I could have the solution for global warming or heck, if I had the time I could invent this crap myself but instead what am I doing? You guessed. Washing clothes. So one of the greatest minds of our time (probably a SAHM or housewife) is probably at this moment washing something. Clothes, dishes, cars, ......

Open Ended Questions

Do you know what an open-ended question is? Well, I'll be happy to tell you either way. It's a question that has to have an answer other than yes or no. For example, "Can I have marshmallows or cookies for a snack?" This is what my 4 year old daughter asked me today. My, where do you think she learned this wonderful skill? I mean, she didn't ask if she could have a snack when she got home. (Because the answer would have been no. Snack time is 2pm not 8pm.) She learned it from ME. I have found this to be a handy tool with my children. To avoid arguments and upset, I ask an open ended question so I can get the results I want. It leaves out all unwanteds and leaves them with some room for control, which for now, they are happy with. For example I might say, "Do you want to wear the purple bow or the pink one?" That leaves out the possibility (which there is a high probability for) of my 2-year-old screaming to wear the neon green bow that doesn't match at all. I use it for lots of other things as well that are much more important like lunch or what we will wear today. (The 2-year-old will quite possibly pick out sweats and toboggan to wear on the hottest day of the year, otherwise.) Well, it's backfired on me. Now what shall I do?!?

More than my fair share of CRAZY!

I heard a line in a movie recently that went something like this. "A thief always thinks someone is stealing." I'm guessing the point was that whatever you think of others is probably what your doing yourself which gave me cause to worry because I tend to think the worst of people. I mean seriously, the worst. I think almost everyone is a lying, stealing, gossiping fiend. Well, I may be exaggerating a little but seriously, I have a really hard time trusting anyone. I'd like to think that it's because I'm surrounded by "crazies". Seriously this town has more than it's fair share but I really think it may be me ..just a little. I mean is it because I am these things....I use to be these things....I don't think so. I mean, I was never a thief. Ok, ok, I'll admit it. The occasional makeup theft at Wal-Mart in my early teens....oh wait, and diet pills once..but just kid stuff. I mean, I never stole from a PERSON...just Wal-Mart or the grocery store. Do you think I'm a bad person? Because I was thinking I wasn't and now I'm wondering if I'm just being too kind to myself. Doesn't everyone do this kinda stuff as a kid? Maybe not. Well, I know I was a liar sometimes. But only when it mattered. Lol. I know that sounds funny but I hate ppl who lie for no reason..all the time. I mean I hate liars period but seriously if you gonna lie let it be to save your life or your marriage or lie to your kids to save their life(as long as they can't find out you lied) BUT don't just lie to impress people or because you like to live in a constant state of drama and lie about what's happening in your life. And I hate lying to save face. I mean really, if you did it then make sure it's worth confessing about. If they (whomever you are confessing to) don't like your confession, well then they don't like you. Your either confessing because your sorry or maybe just because it's good for the soul but hey, at least your telling the truth and THAT should be worth something, right? Now on to gossip. Well, I'm as liable as the next girl but I figure it's just sharing news up to a point, right? I mean there is a fine line there and if I ever do anything worth gossiping about, well, by all means, gossip away.

Now on to my second theory. There is another reason I could think these awful things about everyone I meet....the news. I mean seriously, have you read the news lately? (I say, seriously too much...hmmm) It's full of random murder, theft, lying and just plain maliciousness. These average people appear to have just lost their fucking minds. Or maybe they were only pretending to be average, which brings me back to where I was. Anyone could be one of those crazies on the news, right? So when I think the worst of someone, maybe I'm just protecting myself and my children. I only think the worst until you prove otherwise.....but in my book, your guilty until proven innocent. Sorry. <---Not really.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

So I'm reading a new book. I would like to make some comments about it while they are fresh on my mind. I just discovered one of the most disturbing lines from the book....

"When push comes to shove, a mother takes care of her children from the bottom up."
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver


(Sidebar, I love that last name, don't you?)

I guess I find it disturbing because I wonder is it true. The woman was faced with a swarm of red ants in Africa. I'm assuming even though this book is fiction some things are based in fact and these ants actually do swarm through villages in Africa consuming everything in sight. The village fled to the river. She had to chose between her youngest daughter who was 5 or her middle child who was 16 but lame. Her older daughter asked her why and this was her response. Obviously you see, her oldest did survive with help from strangers. My point is......
would I do the same thing? Can I answer this honestly never having been put in this situation? I think I would choose my youngest also. Not because I love her more or anything like that but because she is the most helpless and needs more of my care.

But on re-reading what I wrote, I don't think so. I can't see myself doing that. The age my children are now....4 and 2. I would die trying to save both of them. I would find a way. If willpower or heroics or pure love could save my children I would fight tooth and nail to make that happen. I would kill, fight,gnash my teeth, murder, cajole, bribe, borrow, steal, kill...whatever it took to save BOTH my girls.

So I leave you with the question. What would you do?

Emily Dickinson

I have recently rediscovered Emily Dickinson. I would like to make you a gift of that...


"Because I could not stop for Death-
He kindly stopped for me-
The Carriage held but just Ourselves-
And Immorality.

We slowly drove-He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For his Civility-

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess-in the Ring-
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain-
We passed the Setting Sun-

Or rather-He passed us-
The Dews drew quivering and chill-
For only Gossamer, my Gown-
My Tippet-only Tuille-

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground-
The Roof was scarcely visible-
The Cornice-in the Ground-

Since then-'tis Centuries-and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity-"

Emily Dickinson

I once knew that the places she capitalized were important. Some ppl leave the capitalization out...I think that's wrong. It says alot about what she was trying to say. I'll leave you to your own interpretation if you leave me to mine. That's the great thing about poetry. It can mean whatever you interpret it to mean. You can own it in your very own way...this is one of my favorites also by Emily Dickinson.

"This is my letter to the World
That never wrote to Me-
The simple news that Nature told-
With tender Majesty.

Her message is committed
to hands I cannot see;
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
judge tenderly of Me!"

Emily Dickinson

And last but certainly not least.....

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you-Nobody-too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary-to be- Somebody!
How public-like a Frog-
To tell one's name- the livelong June-
To an admiring Bog!"

Emily Dickinson

So to all you nobodies out there, let's raise a glass and toast the wonderful Emily Dickinson!

Laughter IS the BEST medicine, Woosy Librarian and Porn

Isn't it neat how you think you know someone and then they go and do something completely unexpected and you have to re-evaluate all you knew about them and come up with new parameters? Isn't it even neater when it's someone you 've known for a LONG time? ....like your husband... lol. So that's what I'm getting to...Foy did something completely and utterly unexpected...in the bedroom...in the bed...to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. We've had a ...wide variety by most standards in the bedroom throughout our married life but then in one night...he just blows my mind. I mean, I'm still reeling and it's noon the next day. He completely rocked my world. I think it all started when I laughed at him. I know, I know..I can be a cruel bitch...but it was funny. He was having problems finding "the hole". I know that sounds crude but really how else can you put it and really that's no dis on him because lots of men have trouble finding it..almost all of them really. I mean it's not blatantly obviously there like they are anatomically THERE. It kinda has to be yours to get right to the spot and right to the point. Anyways, I laughed and things got wild. I think he was just trying to show me who was the boss. No f-ing laughing at him in the bedroom. He'd show me. Well, he showed me. I plan to laugh more often.... :0).

I've tried to decide who I am in the bedroom. Sometimes I think I like to be IN CONTROL and other times I think I like a man who knows what's his, what he wants and TAKES it. I don't necessarily think that who you are in life makes what you are in bed. Sometimes it's opposite. I've seen that happen. It's always the kick ass powerhouse business woman who wants to be spanked like a bad girl when she gets in bed and the whoosy librarian who likes to tie you up and make you her bitch. Maybe this isn't so...come to think of it...maybe I've just watched too much porn. Great.
I think mostly I like a man who knows what he wants and takes it. But if I have to dominate then so be it. I can do that too. Well, enough for one day.

A Relationship with God

I'm in a bad mood to be bloggin'. I just had a fight with Foy. What's bad is that if you asked me I really couldn't tell you exactly what is was about. Not because I don't want you to know but because I just don't know myself. Sad.

Well, alot has happened since my last blog. I had a visit from my MIL and I visited Yellowstone. I booked a plane ticket for my brother who is flying solo at 11 to come and see me on July 15th for 3 weeks. I'm really excited about it. Just thinking about it puts me in a better mood. He's a good kid who my mom is probably messin' him all up but I guess I got out of there with my sanity and most of my morals intact so hopefully he'll managed to keep grounded in the tornado my mom calls life.

I know you wouldn't believe it to read it but I do have some religious ( I hate using that word because in some ways it has bad connotations) beliefs that I try to adhere to in my own little ways. I believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are all one. I believe in speaking in tongues. I believe that it can happen and does happen for real. I believe in studying the King James Version (KJV) of the bible. I don't need my bible dumbed down for me or interpreted for me. I think you can be religious and have a relationship with God without attending church. I do think church is good for your soul though. It's good to spend some time mediating and thinking on God and his gifts. You should find a day each week if you don't attend church on Sunday. I see alot of hypocrisy when I attend church so it's left a bad taste in mouth. Made me bitter I guess you could say. It's made it hard for me to find and attend a church. Another thing that makes it difficult is that I have the beliefs of a Pentecostal without the beliefs that I'm going to hell if I wear pants or put makeup on or cut my hair. I agree with most of what they say and preach other than that. I love their singing. It's so joyful and loud. Raise your voices to heaven and be heard. Rejoice. Worship him loudly with your music. Move. Feel the joy in your clapping and your body moving. Your relationship with God should be one of joy I believe. Be happy in your love and your worship. I don't mourn my religion as the Catholics are famous for. There is a time and a place for reverence and a time and a place for joy. I believe in doing all. I think you should pray to yourself. I hate when the minister at church prays into the microphone when it's time for prayer. Prayer is personal and private. It's a conversation with you and God. I don't need or want to hear it. I think you should talk to God like a friend or like a father. I mean after all isn't he your father? I hate when they moan and say oh, lord. Talk to him ..tell him all about..he will hear your faintest cry..he will answer by and by..keep a little prayer wheel turning...

Sorry the words to a song came back to me but it says perfectly what I was trying to say. There are two sermons that stick out to me. One was that God is the father of the fatherless. Now I am nor ever have been fatherless but that sermon spoke to me because it said just talk to God. You don't have use fancy words or moan or do it where everyone can hear. Just say a prayer. Talk to him like he was your best friend or your Dad. The second sermon that stuck with me was a taped sermon that my Grandma use to listen to and had for years. It's a woman preacher. She says much along the same lines as the first sermon. Something about the fruit of your lips. She says the words don't even have to come out just move your lips and say your prayer. God hears you. And he answers prayers.

Well, as always, this wasn't what I intended to write my blog about but it was on the top of my mind because I did attend church today. No, seriously, I did.